Mother's Day 2016

This Mother's Day I would like to share one of my favourite quotes.  This is something we all need to remember.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Yesterday I got to spend the majority of my day surrounded by a room full of beautiful and corageous women.  What we all had in common was that we have lost at least one child.  Although it was raining the day was perfect and we were all able to come together and connect.

Many of you may not be aware but the Sunday before Mother's Day is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  A special day to allow all bereaved Mothers to be recognised and celebrated for what they are, Mothers.

I was lucky enough to be asked to speak at our High Tea yesterday and after the positive reaction I received yesterday I felt that I needed to share what I said with all of you as well.  Enjoy!

The Group No One Wants to Belong To

I grew up in Arizona and in my Senior year of high school we lived in Yuma, the winter lettuce capital of America. As you can imagine it was a very agricultural focused town.

Of all the groups and organisations I had been or wanted to be a part of up to this point there was no group I wanted into more than the FFA. This was the Future Farmers of America program that runs in both middle and high schools throughout the US. Now you may wonder why I wanted to be part of this group. Was it the hot guys? No, although there were those and they made cowboy boots look good. Was it the extra-curricular activities or the friends I would make? Nope. The life lessons I could learn? No. It was the navy blue corduroy jacket I would get.

That's right when you become part of the FFA you receive the blue jacket with your name embroidered on the front. I wanted, no needed, one of those jackets.

I am happy and proud to share that I got the blue jacket. I still have it. I cannot bear to part with it as it represents such an amazing time in my life and one that did provide me with more than just a very cool jacket.

Just over two years ago I became a member of another group.

Since I joined I have made amazing friends, met some incredibly strong women and grown within myself. I have also become more compassionate and gained a second family. Not only that, but by being a member of this group I have had the opportunity to help others.

Sounds like an amazing group doesn't it? I am sure that if this group advertised all of these benefits of membership at least a few of you would consider joining. Who wouldn't?! Nobody. None of us would if we knew the full magnitude of this group.

In order to be in this group your baby has to die. This is the group of bereaved parents, and more specifically bereaved mothers.

Hi, my name is Kirsten and I am a bereaved Mum.

My first born daughter, Annabelle Grace, came into this world silently on April 4, 2014 at 4.38pm weighing 202 grams. She was only twenty weeks old. Her death shocked myself, my husband and our family to the core. It was not expected. She was alive and moving on the Friday and at the scan on Wednesday there was no heartbeat. I will never ever forget that moment for the rest of my life.

I am a member of the group no wants to be a member of. The group that none of us even knew existed until we were thrust into it with the force of being hit by a bus. That is thing with this group, we don't get to choose if we want to be part of it or not. It is chosen for us and then becomes part of lives until we take our last breath.

Being part of this group means that I am a different type of Mother. I am the mother who experienced the unimaginable and lives with a sliver of her heart forever missing. I am the Mother that for as long as I am alive will miss my daughter every day and know that things just aren't quite how they were supposed to be. I am the Mother who knows that although you see three children, I actually have four. I am the Mother who smiles when you hear my story and tells you 'its fine' and comforts you. I am the Mother that others don't know exists or choose to ignore.

If there is only one thing I have learned by being in this group, it is that we are all mothers. Regardless of whether the outside world can see children or not, we are mothers. We have created and carried life within us.

I firmly believe that our children chose us specifically because they knew how strong and amazing we are and that we would ensure they would never be forgotten.

I didn't receive a cool jacket when I became part of this group, but I have received so much more.

The greatest thing Annabelle gave me was the gift of being her Mum, a bereaved Mum. Through my grief I am able to love and live. There is no greater strength and nothing I am more proud to do.

You're Invited

For anyone local or close to Brisbane.  

This is a beautiful event and definitely one worth attending.

The Importance of Sharing

I have been attending an amazing support group since losing Annabelle. Now I know that support groups are not for everyone, and attending one can be like going on a blind date. However if you find the right one it can be like true love. This is certainly the case for me!

I have not only had amazing support throughout my journey but have made some incredible friends who I cannot imagine my life without.

Recently our group had the opportunity to share our stories with student midwives. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was when I heard about this.

Any chance I get to speak about Annabelle and share my story just makes me so happy. Probably nearly as happy as I was last week thinking about the copious amounts of chocolate I was going to consume on Easter Sunday.

I knew this night would be special, and I knew I would definitely have plenty to share, however what took me by surprise was how moving it was. Speaking to these lovely women brought out so much raw emotion. I have not cried over Annabelle that way in a long time. Nor had I really remembered her entire birth with such vivid images. It was truly beautiful. Being able to have these impassioned releases is incredibly important as I have just realised. Even nearly two years later. It is part of the journey and part of my healing.

I came home that night knowing that I needed to continue to blog and share my story with whoever wanted to listen. This isn't just because it is so important to educate women and to give other bereaved parents hope and support but because I need this just as much.

In just under a week, the 4^th of April will once again appear and it will have been two years since I gave birth to my precious first born daughter who will forever be still. There has been so much that has happened in that time frame, the biggest being our rainbow Piper. I cannot imagine life without her and I am so thankful for her, but of course there will always be part of me that wonders about Annabelle and what life would or could have been. For this reason if nothing else I need to continue to share my feelings and her story.

I am going to continue sharing stories that I hope will be enjoyed and bring you comfort, support or even just a brief moment of laughter. I also would love to be able to share and speak about topics that may be of interest to all of you out there who are reading this. Please leave a comment and let me know if there is something in particular you would like me to share my insight on.

I look forward to another year of sharing and another year of growing stronger through my grief.

Thank You

Let me be the first to say that I am not a blogger.  Nope.  Not in the least.  I do not update this blog at least three times a week as a good blogger should.  Heck, I haven't posted anything for seven months! I am a horrible blogger!  However, I can see that even with my inactivity my blog is still being viewed and seen worldwide.

Thank You

Thank you to those who keep coming back to see if my slack-ass has written anything new.  Thank you to those who have just found me.  Thank you to those who share this blog with their friends and family.

I got to be a part of something very special tonight that has shown me once again how very important it is for me to keep sharing my story.  I guess you could say my passion has been re-ignighted.

Keep your eyes on this space.  New things are coming and I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you.

Four Months

Hello to each and every one of you who have come across this blog post.  Whether you have been with me since the beginning of my journey, or have just stumbled across me today thank you for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts.  I haven't been the best blogger of late but I have a very cute excuse for that....

Piper, Annabelle's little sister, is four months old tomorrow.  Four Months!  I honestly do not know where the time has gone, but here we are.  A third of the first year of her life has passed.  During these past sixteen weeks so many things have happened.  Many of these I expected and have been the same as they were for my boys; sleepless nights, the first smile, the first giggle, baby spew and baby poo.  There have however been some things I didn't expect.

One of these starts off with a little old lady on a cold winter morning.  (Exactly how all stories start off right?!) Piper would have been about six weeks old and myself, Dear Hubby and Masters 6 and 3 were all at our local car boot sale.  The first day of winter hadn't happened yet but it was definitely cool, especially for us here who are used to more sunshine and warmth.  Miss P was dressed in layers of course including a singlet and full suit with feet and hands covered.  She was also wrapped up in a blanket in the pram.

Fast forward about half an hour and Miss P has decided she no longer deems the pram an acceptable means of transportation and demands to be carried in the arms of one of her adult slaves.  Enter stage right, Daddio.  Dear Husband picks her up and has her semi wrapped in her blanket nestled in his arms surrounded by his lovely polar fleece jacket.  Enter stage left, above mentioned little old lady who kindly says 'Isn't she cold?  Look at her little head.  She really should have a beanie on.'  At the time both myself and hubby smile and converse with said woman and explain how she had only recently been in the warmth and comfort of now empty pram and that she was just fine.

Before losing Annabelle that would be the end of the story and you would all be left with a very anti-climatic blog and wondering why I had bothered to write about that at all.  However, since the loss of my first daughter, this story is not yet over.

Now after we all moved away from the over caring elderly stranger, hubby looked at me and said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about her.  She is just trying to be helpful.  Piper is fine but her head is cold so maybe a beanie would be a good idea to add to the nappy bag.' I agreed and realised that after having two boys both born in summer, having a winter baby involved a lot more clothes and an immense amount of laundry.  I continued browsing the car boot sale and tried to shake the comments off.

Two hours later and we arrived home with some bargain finds. This is where I lose the plot.  I look at my hubby (who by the way knew something was bothering me even when I failed to notice myself), and tell him I need to be alone.  I go into my room shut the door and proceed to cry.  Why?  Because of that little old lady!  Her comment had struck a nerve and I couldn't get past it.  How dare she comment on how I dressed Piper or insist that she must be cold!  Didn't she know I wouldn't have brought her out if I had thought any harm could come to her from the weather?  She should keep her stupid beanie opinions to herself.  I am happy to say that after some reassurance from hubby and some time alone my psychotic self left and things seemed to be fine.

It wasn't until over a month later while driving the car to somewhere, (probably to get groceries or collect a child from school), I realised why that comment had set me off as it did.  It wasn't that the comment was information I didn't need (as so much is when you are a parent to a newborn), no it was that at the core her simply mentioning that I could have been placing my child in harm's way immediately made my mind go past GO without collecting two hundred dollars and straight into the thought of DEATH. Why would you say that? Don't you know I have had a baby die.  I would never ever do anything to my child that would cause them to die.  Yup, no beanie when it is cold outside immediately felt like Piper might die from my negligence.  Something tells me if I googled 'death by no beanie', Google would actually laugh at me.

After having this epiphany I then realised how silly I had been.  However, in the moment my anger and sadness was real.  All of it triggered by an innocent comment from a stranger.  Of course she didn't know about Annabelle and of course she was not even hinting at the fact that I was a bad parent or that I in fact would do anything to bring death upon Piper.  It is feelings like these that just hit you out of the blue after a loss.  One moment everything is great and then BANG! a comment about a beanie from an old lady at a market and your entire day is ruined.

In these moments it is made crystal clear that grief is a journey and death and the loss of a child is something you never ever 'get over'. You learn to live and cope but you never forget.  Since then I now try to take every comment (especially those from elderly beanie loving ladies) with a grain of salt and remind myself as often as I can that I am an awesome Mother and Piper is loved and cared for regardless of what items of clothing she may or may not have on.

Happy Four Months Piper and thank you Annabelle for looking down on your little sister and keeping her head warm when your Mother may have failed to pack the necessary head garment.

A Rainbow

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as Rainbow Babies.

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

Our rainbow arrived safely on April 17 at 11.02pm. Piper Leigh was a healthy 7lbs 11oz and 52cm long. She is a much loved and adored little girl and is a little sister for Annabelle as well as her two big brothers.

I have been wanting to write this blog post since the 17^th of April but finding the time with a newborn is challenging plus the added emotion connected to this part of Annabelle's story made the task more difficult than I expected.

Up until now, this blog has primarily been about my journey after losing Annabelle. It has been a way for me to not only heal but to use my grief for good; hopefully help and maybe even inspire others. With each post I found a way to connect to the little girl who was taken away from me too early.

Now I have another daughter. I always felt that once my rainbow baby arrived that would be the end of the story; I would have come full circle. In some ways it is, but I now feel very strongly that it is only the end to one book, not the entire story. Like Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga, my journey of life after stillbirth will be made up of several books. It isn't just one long story that ends with a happy ending. No, the grief for Annabelle will never go away and so because of that, the story will never end.

I can say that with the arrival of Piper there are many areas where it does feel as if the story could end. She has definitely helped heal our entire family. You can not only see this but it can be felt. The atmosphere in our home changed with Piper's arrival. Anxiety levels decreased and a feeling of completion crossed the threshold.

However, the arrival of a rainbow baby brings with it a new set of challenges. I personally think I underestimated exactly how emotional having Piper would be. At times my feelings have caught me off guard and I am not one who likes those sorts of surprises. I am not sure if it is because Piper is a girl, but the strongest feeling I had in the first few days after her birth was that I had been given a second chance. Not just a second chance to have another baby, but a second chance at a daughter; at having the little girl I had longed for.

With this second chance came pressure. The worst part was the pressure was internal. I didn't want to stuff up this second chance or do anything wrong. I couldn't possibly make a mistake as then I wouldn't be doing justice to Piper or her big sister. To honour Annabelle I had to be the best mother and do everything perfect for her little sister. If I failed in any way then in my mind I somehow wasn't doing justice for Annabelle. As I write this now I can see how crazy this sounds, but I have to tell you these feelings were so incredibly strong. How strong you ask? To the point where I cried because I had to put Piper down in her bassinet for all of two minutes so I could go to the toilet. Yup, that crazy!

As a rational person and a mother who has had newborns twice before, I knew I was being irrational. You clearly cannot hold your children 24 hours a day nor do you want to. I was of course not doing anything wrong by Piper or by Annabelle. In fact I was doing the right thing, but in that moment I felt guilty. That sums it up – GUILT. There has been guilt.

How was it that I was able to carry Piper to term and I couldn't for Annabelle? I know the answer to this question, and I know it has nothing to do with me but as a Mother we cannot help but blame ourselves. I felt guilty in those first few days after Piper came home for a multitude of reasons.

I felt like a cake of emotions. My cake had a layer of immense pressure, topped by one of guilt and then covered in a thick ganache of sadness. Yes I was sad. I wondered if Annabelle would have looked like Piper? Would they have shared any of the same characteristics? Would they have had similar mannerisms? I wont ever know and that is heartbreaking.

Now take this cake and add it to the emotional roller coaster you get to go on after giving birth and you can clearly see why the first two weeks of Piper's life I spent using a lot of tissues.

I am very happy to say that although there were a lot of tears, there was also immense pride and joy. If we hadn't of lost Annabelle, Piper wouldn't be with us today. I also believe that Annabelle played a part in making sure her little sister arrived safely.

Piper's safe arrival was also due to an incredible team at the hospital. I cannot thank or praise all of the staff that the Maternal Fetal Health Unit at GCUH. They go above and beyond for each of their patients and I feel honoured to have been one of them.

Stillbirth is part of my story and that will never change, but with the arrival of my rainbow it now hurts just a fraction less than it did before. I know that there will continue to be days where tears flow for Annabelle and that is okay. I am allowed to have those emotions and feel them. Piper may drive me crazy at times such as when she felt that she wanted to have a party at 3am in her cot and I am allowed to feel annoyed by this. I do not have to feel guilty. I am a wonderful mother and I love all four of my children. My emotions do not negate anything that has happened nor do they reflect negatively on Annabelle's story.

Annabelle my love for you hasn't changed and I know that you will be your sister's guardian angel from above.

Welcome to the world Piper Leigh – your story has just begun and I look forward to reading each chapter.

One Year

One Year.  Twelve Months.  52 Weeks. 365 Days.  Here I am.  I am a survivor.

In those first few days and weeks after Annabelle's birth I really didn't know how I would survive and make it month and after month without her.  Life had changed and I felt lost and empty.

There are times when things still feel somewhat empty.  A piece of our family puzzle is missing and always will be, but we always remember her.  To quote the most recent movie I have seen at the theatre, The Book of Life - 'If you always remember them they are never forgotten.'

Just as we are all different, so is how we cope with our grief and loss.  For myself and our family it felt right to make a place with our family photos for Annabelle's photos and keepsakes.  Our boys each have a shelf and she does as well.  When we talk about her we always use her name.  That may not work for everyone but it works for us.

To be honest we don't speak of her everyday.  We currently have a six year old and a three year old that keep us really busy plus our rainbow baby who is due in less than three weeks.  Life gets crazy and with the two boys most conversation in our house revolves around superheroes, bums and bodily functions.  I do however think of Annabelle everyday; somedays more than others.

I wasn't sure what the one year anniversary would be.  To be quite honest I wasn't sure how to refer to today.  Is it her Birthday?  Her Angelversary?  An anniversary?  I am now set on the fact that April 4 will always be her birthday.  Although born sleeping, she was still born and I gave birth to her.  Those memories are still very vivid, so yes, today is Annabelle's birthday.

It is my daughter's birthday and instead of being manic rushing around my house making last minute preparations for a big party, I am sitting here in my pyjamas blogging.  It has taken me until about ten minutes ago to decide exactly what sort of cake I was going to make.  You see I promised her when I held her for those five precious hours that I would make her a very pink cake each year on her birthday.

Today I will bake my daughter's cake and this afternoon we will take it down to where most of her ashes are scattered and remember.  We are also going to do a belly photo shoot at the same.  In some ways expecting Annabelle's little brother or sister in just a few weeks feels as if we have come full circle.  It is bitter sweet.  I cannot wait to meet this little person but I am still sad that I will never know who Annabelle would have been or what colour eyes she would have had.  All the dreams you have for your children start at conception and losing those is very hard.

I am happy to say that one year on most days for me are good ones.  Losing Annabelle is and will probably always be the worst day of my life.  The loss of a child no matter how old is not how the world is supposed to work and a sliver of your heart goes with them.  It changes you.  That is a fact.  However, losing my daughter has also blessed my life in  many ways.  I have met some amazing women and I am now happy to call them my friends.  I appreciate life more than I did before and hubby and I are closer.  I have this blog and I have been able to share my journey with the world and heal at the same time.

It has been one year since I held Annabelle for the first and last time.  One year since I met my daughter and had to say goodbye all within the space of five hours.  One year since I became a mother to three.  Yes, a lot has happened in one year.  I am now a bereaved mother and can recommend a funeral home if someone needs one.  Not things I want to be or have knowledge of but I do.  This is my new normal.  My new life.

The next year is full to bring lots of emotions.  We will have a new baby, our fourth child.  Life will get even more hectic and I will live another year of my life without Annabelle.  I like to think that each year will get just a bit easier but only time will tell.  For now I am focused on the positives and the one thing that will never change - I am a MOTHER; Annabelle's Mum.

Happy Birthday Annabelle Grace.  Mummy, Daddy, Tanner & Archer love you and always will. xx

An Announcement

I have been quiet on the blog. I know this. It has been hard as I have had something I have wanted to blog about now for weeks but it wasn't the right time. Everything else I thought about writing didn't seem to compare to what I really wanted to share.

Luckily the time has come and I can now share some news with all of you. For those who do not follow the Annabelle's Grace Facebook page, I put up a little announcement about 3 weeks ago.

Yes, we are expecting again! Our Rainbow Baby.  

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies". The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. This is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

It is an extremely exciting and anxious time. Each scan brings with it excitement and nerves. Nerves because I will never forget the scan with Annabelle where they told me there was no heartbeat. I quietly hold my breath now while the sonographer goes to get the first image from inside my belly. As soon as I see the heart beating I exhale and everything in that moment is perfect and right in the world.

As I write this I have just recently had a scan and I am happy to report all is as it should be.  We have one healthy baby and are nearly 17 weeks along.

The decision was made for me that I would be seen every 4 weeks for a scan to check on baby's progress. For me I am happy with this as I want to do everything I can to make sure this baby grows and is healthy and arrives alive.

So far the most common question I am asked is 'will you find out the sex?' followed by a close second of 'how are you feeling?'. Both questions are normal and fine but I hear them so much!

To answer them, I don't know about finding out. We have always found out with our other three and there was no question to whether we would or not, we just did. This time around I feel much differently. I feel that if I find out its a girl I will be worried the whole time that her fate will be the same as Annabelle's. (Yes I know how dumb that sounds but I am just being honest). I also feel that if they say it is a boy my heart will drop and there will be disappointment for some time as that means Annabelle was my only little girl and I was somehow robbed of this. (Again dumb but true.) Of course these feelings wouldn't last long and hubby and I truly are happy with whatever bundle of joy we get. However, because of these feelings I currently do not want to know. I feel that finding out at the birth will prevent these negative thoughts. Be aware I may change my mind – I am not exactly the most patient person. ;)

For the second question, I feel pregnant but fine. Nothing different from last time or frankly from the boys. I get tired and eat heaps. Sometimes I feel sick other times full of energy. I have hormones which means I can cry at the lamest commercial on TV or just lose my cool at the worst or weirdest time. That is pregnancy and I am pregnant so that is me. But, really I am fine.

I look forward to sharing this next part of my journey with all of you. I would say it is definitely a different experience this time around as I know so much more and fear is definitely present but in saying that I am excited and cannot wait for this bundle of joy to arrive. I know Annabelle is watching from above and doing what she can to take care of her little brother or sister.

Until my next update may your day be full of hope, sunshine and happiness.

Grieving and Conceiving

I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle. When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12 weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been something wrong' reason.

I have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but couldn't do much beyond that.

It wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did before. My empathy has increased.

Losing a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to deliver them their child.

As a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we knew we would be mothers.

When your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their 40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and no reason why we couldn't have babies.

Through my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just the dumb virus that stuffed things up!

I knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself. I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to the moon.

I now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss or just desperately wanting to start that family. 

With my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey. 

B. R.

K. M.

M. G.

M. B.

If I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand them and above all else, just be there.

As women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing, strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as 'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view ourselves.  

Busy

I'm back!! I know it has been well over a month since I last posted. Last time I wrote I promised how I wouldn't leave you all again. Whoops! Sorry about that! I swear I had every intention to write weekly but time has escaped me!

Life has been BUSY. I remember after I had first had Annabelle I craved busyness and activity. The more stuff I had to focus on the less I thought about her and all the sadness that went with it. While I wanted life to be hectic at this time I quickly learned that a) being busy didn't really fix anything and b) no one lets you be busy at the beginning of your grief as they all give you space and time. Due to this I did the only thing I could at the time; I jumped on my grief train and started my ride.

It has now been six months since Annabelle was born and I started my journey. While I am still on the train it has changed significantly in the past month. The train is now full with much more life and happiness. Currently I am happy in this spot. Yes, things are crazy hectic but in a good way. I think of my little girl every day but am also looking forward to the future and what is has to hold for myself and my family.

I am aware that this happiness will be woven with moments of sadness, fear, anxiety and many other emotions but currently the happy is all I am focusing on. I have some things coming up that I am looking forward to sharing with you over the next few weeks. For now I will leave you all with a bit of happiness just in case maybe at this moment you could use some. CLICK FOR HAPPY

The Glad Game

When I was younger one of my favourite movies to watch was Disney's Pollyanna. My Mom reminded me of this the other day when she mentioned the 'Glad Game'. This was a game that Pollyanna used to play.

Recently I have been having a bit of a rough time. I have been more negative than usual and missing my little girl a lot too. I know these lows are all part of the grieving process, but sometimes you need something to snap you out of it. It isn’t' healthy to be unhappy and angry 24/7 and it really doesn't accomplish anything.

With this in mind, I thought about my own Glad Game. Below is a list of things that I am glad about. Being positive or glad about things in no way means that I am not sad or that I am trying to mask my sadness or despair. I am not trying to diminish those feelings. I am very much a person who allows myself to feel how I am feeling and I try not to chastise myself too much about any particular feeling. In saying this though, I am also a person who can quickly get herself into a downward spiral. That spiral can then turn cyclonic and bring others into it and I don't want to to do that. So without further delay, please see my Glad Game below.

- I am glad that Annabelle is not in pain, nor was she ever in any pain.

- I am glad that my gorgeous boys and hubby continue to speak of their sister/daughter

- I am glad when anyone speaks of Annabelle using her name.

- I am glad that I had such amazing medical care.

- I am glad that it isn't raining today.

- I am glad that my words from this blog are touching so many lives.

- I am glad that I have amazing friends who know the exact right thing to say at the right time.

- I am glad that I live in a country where I have access to great resources and medical care.

- I am glad that I got to hold my baby and I have pictures of her.

- I am glad that I can still have another baby.

- I am glad that I have an amazing supportive husband who is there for me and our family.

- I am glad that spring is just around the corner and with it new beginnings.

I could probably keep this list going but I think that is enough for now. It is funny how once you start thinking about positive things and writing them down they start to flow. I suggest to each of you who read this to try your own Glad Game. I have no doubt that you will find that even after only ten minutes you will find yourself in a better and happier place then you were previously.

I believe we all need to be reminded from time to time that life is not all bad and it is not something out to get us. It can certainly feel that way but by really focusing on the positive and the things you are glad about you might just find that you are able to see the rainbow first instead of the rain.

Nits

After five years, head lice finally snuck their way into our home a little over two weeks ago. It was Friday and a gorgeous day. I had plans. A bit of grocery shopping and then some cleaning and a bit of special one on one time with my little guy.

On the walk up to school with Tanner, who is in Prep, he starts ferociously scratching his head and tells me he thinks he has nits. I being ever optimistic tell him he probably just has some dry skin as this winter has been particularly dry for us. However, being the responsible parent I am I went ahead and checked his head, and there was not one but two little critters right there – taunting me. It was if they were waving a little insect leg at me saying 'Ha ha! forget your plans – we're here and it wont be easy to make us leave'.

So much for my peaceful day. No school meant I had both boys which was fine, but it did turn my shopping trip into utter chaos. Why did I choose this week to physically go to the grocery store, when for the past five weeks I had done it online? Why?! Then of course when we got home it was time to treat everyone's heads and then start the laundry. Now, I complain about laundry on a regular basis and have been known on occasion to see the benefit in being a nudist. However, laundry after the detection of head lice is just insane. I had so much if you had looked in the laundry room you would have just thought it was a room that's only purpose was to hold heaps of stuff.  There was no washing machine to be seen through the mountainous piles of washing.  I believe all up that weekend I did something like 15 loads.

I am happy to report though that the lice have gone and so far so good. I also have an extremely clean house and nearly every piece of linen we own has been washed, dried and put away.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have chosen to blog about this. Really, who wants to hear about my first world problem of nits? Well, a funny thing happened during that crazy Friday. It was the first time since having Annabelle that I was happy she had died. Okay, that sounds horrible. How do I explain it?

I was so happy she would never ever get nits. I was happy I wasn't having to worry about her hair too and having to treat her. It was the first time that an event had occurred since her birth where my first thought wasn't sadness but actually one of happiness.

Don't get me wrong, if someone came to me today and told me I could have her back but she would get Nits I would take her in a heartbeat! When I realised though that I had this happy thought it made me stop and think for just a moment. It was a nice change to have a happy thought first before a sad one. I know there will be more sad moments but for right now I am taking this happiness as it is much nicer to be happy when I think of my little girl then to be sad.

Manual for Grief

I have been quiet on the blog for the last ten days or so and I apologise for that. I hit a bit of a bumpy patch with my journey and just needed time to reflect and curl up in my safe little ball.

My most recent insight into this journey is that my mourning and grief like to take over at the worst times. They come out and grab me and I can't get free. I can't even shove them in a box and pretend they aren't there. No. They are here and I need to deal with them. I am happy to say that I allowed myself to feel, do and grieve as I needed during this time and for that I not only feel better but also stronger. I am back and so very ready to continue to blog and share my story with you.

I actually Googled 'How to handle grief around your due date'. Yes, I actually looked it up. If you're wondering - there was no guide book or step by step. Bummer.

When you have your first baby you realise that there is no manual no matter how much you need one! You can take advice and look up things online but in the end you have to simply learn as you go through the experience of raising that child.

It turns out that grief is very similar. There is no manual for grief. Again, bummer. No two people grieve the same, not even if it is over the same situation.

It is 16 days until my due date for Annabelle. I know that in reality the odds of her arriving on that day were very slim. She may have come a bit early or maybe a few days later. Who knows. In any case this is proving to be more difficult than I had first thought.

I always knew as the due date got closer it would be more emotional, but it has really blindsided me. So many thoughts are rushing around in my head such as 'I would have been massive and waddling around by now', 'I should have been on maternity leave.', 'We would have the baby capsule installed in the car and the boys in their new seats', 'I would have been busy washing all those pink clothes and nesting.'. Ugh! Up until now losing Annabelle has been hard, but as she wasn't technically supposed to be here yet it has been a bit easier. Once the 20^th of August comes and goes I will know that she should have been here. That is when for me it will really feel as if someone is missing from our family. A little someone I wanted so badly. I also know that I need to have the due date come and go as a sort of closure too. As much as I would love to wake with amnesia over her due date I can't.

All I can do now is learn and deal with my grief as I move forward. Actually, it isn't moving forward, or letting go or any other cliché you may hear. What I am doing is learning to continue to live with loss. Live with my grief. Live with this new normal. Life is what keeps going and moving forward. I have to choose to live or I will die too. And frankly I am not ready for that.

So back to that manual. Since there is nothing I can check out from the Library or download off the Internet, I am just going to have to do what feels right for me and see how it works. I am sure as the years go on there will be tweaks and adjustments just as there are with the raising of my two boys.

If anyone else out there has dealt with their due date let me know what you did and what helped or worked for you. If you haven't had the due date yet feel free to take any information you can from me. Maybe I can help you. Maybe not. We are all so different and yet bound together via the loss of our children.

So far my plans to help me deal with this date and the pain and loss associated are to continue to see my counsellor, surround myself with friends and family and probably take the day off of work – just in case. Once this goes that will be it. This is in some ways the final chapter of Annabelle's book. The next major date will be her birthday and that is something I plan to celebrate.

Trying Again

From the moment I had Annabelle I knew that she would not be my last baby. As long as we were able to have another, then we would. I couldn't let this experience be my last in a birth suite. I needed to be able to take home a live baby. Even hubby felt the same; we both knew Annabelle would not be our last.

And so here we are, thirteen weeks after her arrival, trying again. It has a different feel to it as compared to our first three. Somehow there is more pressure associated this time. Pressure not only to conceive but to ensure this baby survives. Sure the odds of another virus attacking my placenta are extremely rare, but what about all those other things I now know about. Oh, Dr Google, how I loathe you.

On one hand knowing the risks and possible outcomes is good. At least, if heaven forbid, someething happened again I would be somewhat prepared and not so blindsided as I was with Annabelle. I feel that some knowledge is power. However, too much of it can be bad. And couple this with an over active brain that comes up with the worst possible scenarios and morbid thoughts and you get crazy me! Not exactly the best combination when you are trying to conceive your rainbow baby but I won't let this stop me.

I have never wanted a baby as bad as I do now which doesn't help with the stress and pressure. I am going to try and relax and let things fall into place. Hopefully we will be blessed sooner rather than later. I know Annabelle will be happy to know we are going to give her a little brother or sister and so I am jumping on this new emotional roller coaster with my eyes open wide.   As per normal some days will be harder than others and I will be right here blogging about them and this next step in my journey.

Life Lessons

As Annabelle's due date approaches I have noticed my emotions rising up to the surface a bit more often. I have been aware this would probably occur and so have not been completely shocked by their arrival. I do however wish they would stay away.

My grief is not gone by any means and it will live with me permanently. I find that most days are good days and the sadness and accompanying thoughts are minute. However, in the past 7 days I have had two very sad, and as I call them, 'off' days. These are the days where any little thing can set me off or start the flow of tears. It doesn't have to be anything sad or baby / pregnancy related either. Yesterday it was if I should buy my child a $10 toy and the week before it was a good friend not being able to catch up with me. Go figure.

To try and keep things in perspective I have a quote that sits firmly implanted in my mind that I like to recite often.

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."

This is from Regina Brett's Life Lessons. I first came across it about a year ago when a co-worker placed it in the staff toilets of all places. This is only one of the fifty mantras she has written down and all of them have helped me in one way or another. I find reading them very calming and uplifting and thought I would share them here with you.

This particular mantra rings true with me and it helps me remember that everything is not as bad as it seems. Yes, losing my child was devastating and maybe I would trade that over something else, but then NO I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade it as that would mean losing Annabelle completely. She is my daughter and she is continuing to teach me things and bless my life in ways I never imagined. If I swapped my loss for something else, it wouldn't really fix anything. Sure, I wouldn't have the loss but what would I have? Without the loss I don't have Annabelle. I don't have this blog and I haven't gotten to meet all of the wonderful and amazing people I have come in contact with in the last ten weeks.

As much as I wish this wouldn't have happened, it did and in some ways I feel blessed. My circle of friends has now increased and I have learned the true value of life amongst many other things. These are gifts Annabelle has given me; I will not trade them.

Please feel free to share your favourite mantra from the list. I would love to know if any make an impact in your life as they have in mine.

Two Heads – why do you look at me like that when I talk about my child?

When I speak about Annabelle or use her name in conversation I swear people, (family and close friends excluded), look at me as if I have two heads. No, I am not crazy and yes, I am talking about my stillborn child.

I do not talk about Annabelle to make anyone uncomfortable. As a matter of fact I hope that by talking about her and stillbirth the subject will become less taboo and therefore no need to make you squirm or regret asking me how many children I have.

I do not talk about Annabelle to gain sympathy. I know that you feel bad for me and I appreciate that. Yes, it sucks and it is not fair, but its the hand I was dealt.

I do not talk about Annabelle to seek attention. I am not trying to weave my daughter into each conversation so that I will then become the focus. No, I just want to talk as I have something to contribute.

I do not talk about Annabelle to scare you. I would hate to think that I have scared anyone when I tell my story or speak of my baby. I want people to have resources available to them to learn about stillbirth and have the knowledge as it is power. 

For those of us who have lost our babies, regardless of how, we are not crazy. We are parents and we love our children and are proud of them. You will not understand that unless you have walked in our shoes, but please do not treat us like a crazy two-headed monster. 

We just want to be able to share our stories and our babies with you, just like any other mother would. We want you to meet our children and recognise them as part of our family. We want to remember. If we quit talking about and sharing our babies then what happens? Who will remember them? When a life is gone only memories survive, and in the case of death before birth your memories are few. If we have to live in a society where a woman cannot even share memories about her dead child, then what is the point? A woman with a dead baby already feels isolated, there is no need to force her to the corner of the room and make her ignore the elephant. That elephant has a name and it was here, even if briefly.

It is time to celebrate each life and the women who bring them into this world. Hug them, converse with them and never be afraid to mention their child by name because remembering is the biggest gift you can give.

Cake

I used to believe that cake made everything better. Being a baker and someone who truly appreciates carbs, sugar and butter this was my mantra. Had a bad day – eat a cupcake. Split up with your boyfriend – bake yourself a nice chocolate fudge cake and consume it all. Been up all night with a screaming child – whip up some icing and take pleasure in licking the beaters. Doing your household budget for the month – grab a slice of Red Velvet. Your child dies – nope; no cake is going to help that. It doesn't matter what I bake or create (and I have done heaps of baking since Annabelle's birth), nothing is going to make this better.

Cake wont make it better but for me it makes it a bit easier. While I bake my cake or any other delectable item my mind doesn't have time to let negativity or thoughts in unless they are related directly to my dish. Having that focus allows me to have time to myself in a fairly happy place. I also take great pride watching my creation be devoured by my boys both big and small. Watching the crumbs gather on my newly mopped floor on the other hand is a negative, but one I will just have to deal with.

For me my focus on baking isn't ignoring or forgetting Annabelle it is simply my way of not having the sad thoughts around for a bit. I don't need nor do I want every thought that comes into my mind to be sad.  I need to be happy.  I am allowed to be happy.  This sounds strange considering I am grieving my stillborn child but I can still be happy. I still laugh and joke. It does feel weird to be doing these 'normal' things when I feel anything but at times but I know it is permitted and it is healing.

For me above all else it is important that my grief does not overcome me as Annabelle wouldn't want that. She wouldn't want her Mum to cry every day or be unable to laugh or have good times. She wouldn't want her big brothers to suffer in any way because her Mummy & Daddy are grieving.  I wake up each morning saying hello to my little girl and I go to bed each night sending her sweet dreams. I allow myself to grieve in whatever fashion works for me on that day, on that week or in that moment. I will continue to bake and pass on my love for sweet treats to my children and yes, I will have cake. It may not make everything better but it isn't going to hurt.

For those who may now be craving some cake thanks to my post. I thought I would share one of my favourite and easy recipes. There is no need for fancy equipment for this one. Enjoy!

Easy Peasy Choclolate Fudge Cake - adapted from One Bowl Chocolate Cake

2 Cup caster sugar
1 3/4 Cup plain flour
3/4 Cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 Cup milk
1/2 Cup oil (Vegetable or Canola work best)
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 Cup boiling water

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C or 160 fan forced). Grease and flour two 9 inch round pans.
2. In a large bowl, combine first six ingredients.  Make a well in the centre and add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla. Beat for two minutes at medium speed.  (If you do not have electric beaters just mix it heaps!)  Gently site in boiling water.
3. Pour into two 9 inch pans. Bake at 350 degrees F (180 degrees C) for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes in the pan, then turn out onto a wire rack and continue cooling.

This recipe will also make 24 -30 cupcakes depending on the size and can also be used for one large cake as well.  No matter what sort of pan you use this cake will always make your heart happy!

Can be iced with anything you like, but my favourite for a total chocolate overload would be Magnolia Bakery's chocolate buttercream.  Link to recipe here. 

A Virus

Virus

noun

'an infective agent that typically consists of a nucleic acid molecule in a protein coat, is too small to be seen by light microscopy, and is able to multiply only within the living cells of a host.'

We come into contact with viruses every day of our lives. Most of the time they don't do too much. On occasion you get a whopper and you are stuck on your lounge with a nose that seems to be running a marathon and a body that feels as if you have been hitting the gym hard when in reality the only exercise you have done is lifting the TV remote. Viruses have also been know to cause the much debilitating MAN FLU.

As much as a virus is a pain we all recover normally within 7 – 10 days and go upon our lives.

A week ago the word virus entered my life again and this time its impact has lasting effects. We found out from the Doctors that Annabelle's little life was lost due to a virus. Unfortunately a virus attacked my placenta and that was that. When the placenta is compromised and cannot function then it cannot transfer nutrients to the baby.

I learned there are a few common viruses that can cause this sort of acute attack, however it wasn't one of those that invaded my body. No, of course not. My body had to come in contact with some obscure virus that for whatever reason my placenta couldn't fight. Lucky me.

Actually in some ways I am lucky. I am lucky that we received an answer. I am lucky because the odds of this happening again are extremely tiny. I am lucky because my little girl didn't suffer. I am lucky because I have an amazing medical team who have been with me every step of the way and have promised me that they will do everything in their power to ensure that I get to go home with my next baby. I am lucky because I am Annabelle's Mum.

With all this luck you would think then that I would be happy to have the answer and the closure that it brings with it. In some respects I am. It is probably one of the best outcomes we could have asked for. However, it doesn't make it any better. The one question that I really want answered is 'Why?' and I will never have that. That is the hardest part for me.

I miss Annabelle every moment of every day and I wish things could be different, but this is now my reality. Unfortunately I can't go back in time and change things as much as I want to. For me I just have to continue to go forward. It is not always easy to keep moving but unfortunately it is a fundamental part of life.

I want to continue to live for my children and my husband and I want to move forward as I want Annabelle to have a little brother or sister. So for now I will put one foot in front of the other and march on. I will continue to share my story in hope that I am helping and making a difference. I will continue to dislike viruses and do my best to not let them invade our lives; certainly never again to this magnitude.