The Tooth Fairy

When my eldest lost his first tooth recently I had two thoughts. My first was that we had worked so hard to get these teeth in the first place and now they were going to start falling out! My second thought was for Annabelle. I wouldn't get to know what sort of teether she would be.  Difficult like her biggest bro or really easy?  There would be no tooth fairy visits for her. Crap. Sad thought number 7034 has penetrated my brain and made its way into my conscious.

Yes, this is my normal now. Fun and exciting times always seem to be penetrated by a sad thought or something missing. It makes sense as someone is and forever will be missing from our family.

Before I go any further I am happy to report that sad thought 7034 did not stay long. No sad thoughts 7035, 7036 and 7037 came along but much much later. I was able to enjoy all of my son's exitement in losing his first tooth. The tooth fairly brought $2 which was a HUGE deal. Unfortuantely to Tanner's dismay, $2 is not enough to buy a toy but he is determined to save. With a mouth full of teeth I am sure a toy wont be far off.

The loss of the tooth was a massive reminder that life is continuing. Life does go on. It isn't pleasant to realise and of course it can make you angry that it hasn't stopped, not even for a second, to mark the loss of your child. But life can't stop it has to go on and that is what the tooth fairy taught me this past week.

As I write this two teeth have now been lost and two big shiny white ones are on their way to the surface. Nothing is slowing down, if anything it is going faster. My boys will be 6 and 3 in less than six months. Far out! In the weeks to come there will be parties to arrange, birthday cakes to bake and more teeth to fall out. Amongst all this life and change I will continue to grieve and Annabelle will forever remain a baby.

The tooth fairy didn't just come for Tanner this past week she came to remind me that life is going to continue and things are going to change and progress just as they are supposed to. Unfortunately Annabelle wont be part of that change as I had hoped and expected but she will always be here. 

Congratulations!

A few months before Annabelle was conceived, my Facebook feed was full of friends sharing with the world the exciting news that they were expecting.  In fact for three particular ladies, it was their very first pregnancy announcement.

I knew that the news of Annabelle would probably hit these three amazing women hard as hearing and seeing the effects of stillbirth up close and personal cannot be easy.  I also wouldn't be surprised if they felt guilt in some way as they were still pregnant when I wasn't.  I know I felt this when a very close friend of my suffered a miscarriage earlier in the year.

I also know that they felt unsure of how I would feel seeing them pregnant after I lost Annabelle.  For me seeing other pregnant women hasn't bothered me.  Yes, I will admit the first outing into public after her birth was a bit tough but I can't judge.  For all I know the pregnant woman in front of me getting her groceries is carrying her rainbow.

I am not jealous or upset.  I am happy for my pregnant friends to share the details of their journey and each and every scan photo as pregnancy and birth are a joyous time and should be celebrated.  I very much want each of these women to be able to take their baby home.

It is with a very happy heart that I would like to welcome to the world three gorgeous little souls who have only just recently arrived.  Please join me in congratulating their gorgeous mothers who they will one day grow to realise they are lucky to have.  They are listed below in birth order.

Charlotte Grace

Maddox Archer

Silas Xavier

I look forward to watching all three of you grow, just as I look forward to being able to make more happy announcements on this page in future.

Life continues and it is beautiful; never take it for granted.

Mother's Day

Being a Mother

I will wake tomorrow morning, my first Mother's Day, as the mother of three children and yet the world can only see two.  I would have been 25 weeks, growing bigger with each passing day but I'm not.  Instead Annabelle arrived on April 4 and now I am a mother with an angel baby.

Unless you know me you will never know.  You will only see what is in the moment.  You will not know my story.  You will not see us as a family of five, but we are.  You will not realise that there should be an extra car seat in the back of my car or that only two months ago I felt the flutter of my daughter's first kick.  You do not know that the only item I ever got to buy my little girl was the blanket she was wrapped in for her cremation.

As I know you will not see my entire story, I will not judge you.  I will understand if your words do more harm then good for me.  I know you don't and that is okay.  As we do not walk around with our stories on display please remember that any woman you meet could be a mother, even if you do not 'see' her children.  Our babies our forever in our hearts and never forgotten.

It is with a grieving yet compassionate heart that I would like to wish every mother a Happy Mothers Day for 2014.  May all of your children know how truly blessed they are to have you as their Mum and may the world see you for the strong and amazing woman you are.

Fridays

Fridays are different now.  They no longer signal just the end of a busy and hectic week but also stand as a reminder to how much time has passed since Annabelle was born.  This friday marks five weeks.

I don't consciously count down the days until the next friday, no they sneak up on me.  Of course I know they are coming, as they do every week, and yet I forget.  Life gets in the way.  Before I know it another week has come and gone.  

I miss my little girl every moment of every day and no matter how busy I am the void is always there.  Sometimes it sits quietly in the background happy not to be noticed and other times it screams at me making sure I jump up and pay attention.  

I have known from the moment hubby and I walked out of the hospital without our baby that this void would form part of our new 'normal'.  And yet it wasn't until earlier in the week when the realisation arrived like an unwelcome guest, that it wont matter what things happen in the years to come as the emptiness will always remain; part of me, part of our family, part of the world is missing.

In the future maybe friday will come and I will forget exactly how many weeks or months it has been.  Part of me would like that.  Somehow I think that would be easier.  Deep down I know this probably isn't true but I will get back to you.

Until then, this Mummy of three is going to bed.  Tomorrow I hope to meet friday with a smile and be ready for whatever it brings.