Trying Again

From the moment I had Annabelle I knew that she would not be my last baby. As long as we were able to have another, then we would. I couldn't let this experience be my last in a birth suite. I needed to be able to take home a live baby. Even hubby felt the same; we both knew Annabelle would not be our last.

And so here we are, thirteen weeks after her arrival, trying again. It has a different feel to it as compared to our first three. Somehow there is more pressure associated this time. Pressure not only to conceive but to ensure this baby survives. Sure the odds of another virus attacking my placenta are extremely rare, but what about all those other things I now know about. Oh, Dr Google, how I loathe you.

On one hand knowing the risks and possible outcomes is good. At least, if heaven forbid, someething happened again I would be somewhat prepared and not so blindsided as I was with Annabelle. I feel that some knowledge is power. However, too much of it can be bad. And couple this with an over active brain that comes up with the worst possible scenarios and morbid thoughts and you get crazy me! Not exactly the best combination when you are trying to conceive your rainbow baby but I won't let this stop me.

I have never wanted a baby as bad as I do now which doesn't help with the stress and pressure. I am going to try and relax and let things fall into place. Hopefully we will be blessed sooner rather than later. I know Annabelle will be happy to know we are going to give her a little brother or sister and so I am jumping on this new emotional roller coaster with my eyes open wide.   As per normal some days will be harder than others and I will be right here blogging about them and this next step in my journey.

Life Lessons

As Annabelle's due date approaches I have noticed my emotions rising up to the surface a bit more often. I have been aware this would probably occur and so have not been completely shocked by their arrival. I do however wish they would stay away.

My grief is not gone by any means and it will live with me permanently. I find that most days are good days and the sadness and accompanying thoughts are minute. However, in the past 7 days I have had two very sad, and as I call them, 'off' days. These are the days where any little thing can set me off or start the flow of tears. It doesn't have to be anything sad or baby / pregnancy related either. Yesterday it was if I should buy my child a $10 toy and the week before it was a good friend not being able to catch up with me. Go figure.

To try and keep things in perspective I have a quote that sits firmly implanted in my mind that I like to recite often.

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."

This is from Regina Brett's Life Lessons. I first came across it about a year ago when a co-worker placed it in the staff toilets of all places. This is only one of the fifty mantras she has written down and all of them have helped me in one way or another. I find reading them very calming and uplifting and thought I would share them here with you.

This particular mantra rings true with me and it helps me remember that everything is not as bad as it seems. Yes, losing my child was devastating and maybe I would trade that over something else, but then NO I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade it as that would mean losing Annabelle completely. She is my daughter and she is continuing to teach me things and bless my life in ways I never imagined. If I swapped my loss for something else, it wouldn't really fix anything. Sure, I wouldn't have the loss but what would I have? Without the loss I don't have Annabelle. I don't have this blog and I haven't gotten to meet all of the wonderful and amazing people I have come in contact with in the last ten weeks.

As much as I wish this wouldn't have happened, it did and in some ways I feel blessed. My circle of friends has now increased and I have learned the true value of life amongst many other things. These are gifts Annabelle has given me; I will not trade them.

Please feel free to share your favourite mantra from the list. I would love to know if any make an impact in your life as they have in mine.

Two Heads – why do you look at me like that when I talk about my child?

When I speak about Annabelle or use her name in conversation I swear people, (family and close friends excluded), look at me as if I have two heads. No, I am not crazy and yes, I am talking about my stillborn child.

I do not talk about Annabelle to make anyone uncomfortable. As a matter of fact I hope that by talking about her and stillbirth the subject will become less taboo and therefore no need to make you squirm or regret asking me how many children I have.

I do not talk about Annabelle to gain sympathy. I know that you feel bad for me and I appreciate that. Yes, it sucks and it is not fair, but its the hand I was dealt.

I do not talk about Annabelle to seek attention. I am not trying to weave my daughter into each conversation so that I will then become the focus. No, I just want to talk as I have something to contribute.

I do not talk about Annabelle to scare you. I would hate to think that I have scared anyone when I tell my story or speak of my baby. I want people to have resources available to them to learn about stillbirth and have the knowledge as it is power. 

For those of us who have lost our babies, regardless of how, we are not crazy. We are parents and we love our children and are proud of them. You will not understand that unless you have walked in our shoes, but please do not treat us like a crazy two-headed monster. 

We just want to be able to share our stories and our babies with you, just like any other mother would. We want you to meet our children and recognise them as part of our family. We want to remember. If we quit talking about and sharing our babies then what happens? Who will remember them? When a life is gone only memories survive, and in the case of death before birth your memories are few. If we have to live in a society where a woman cannot even share memories about her dead child, then what is the point? A woman with a dead baby already feels isolated, there is no need to force her to the corner of the room and make her ignore the elephant. That elephant has a name and it was here, even if briefly.

It is time to celebrate each life and the women who bring them into this world. Hug them, converse with them and never be afraid to mention their child by name because remembering is the biggest gift you can give.

Cake

I used to believe that cake made everything better. Being a baker and someone who truly appreciates carbs, sugar and butter this was my mantra. Had a bad day – eat a cupcake. Split up with your boyfriend – bake yourself a nice chocolate fudge cake and consume it all. Been up all night with a screaming child – whip up some icing and take pleasure in licking the beaters. Doing your household budget for the month – grab a slice of Red Velvet. Your child dies – nope; no cake is going to help that. It doesn't matter what I bake or create (and I have done heaps of baking since Annabelle's birth), nothing is going to make this better.

Cake wont make it better but for me it makes it a bit easier. While I bake my cake or any other delectable item my mind doesn't have time to let negativity or thoughts in unless they are related directly to my dish. Having that focus allows me to have time to myself in a fairly happy place. I also take great pride watching my creation be devoured by my boys both big and small. Watching the crumbs gather on my newly mopped floor on the other hand is a negative, but one I will just have to deal with.

For me my focus on baking isn't ignoring or forgetting Annabelle it is simply my way of not having the sad thoughts around for a bit. I don't need nor do I want every thought that comes into my mind to be sad.  I need to be happy.  I am allowed to be happy.  This sounds strange considering I am grieving my stillborn child but I can still be happy. I still laugh and joke. It does feel weird to be doing these 'normal' things when I feel anything but at times but I know it is permitted and it is healing.

For me above all else it is important that my grief does not overcome me as Annabelle wouldn't want that. She wouldn't want her Mum to cry every day or be unable to laugh or have good times. She wouldn't want her big brothers to suffer in any way because her Mummy & Daddy are grieving.  I wake up each morning saying hello to my little girl and I go to bed each night sending her sweet dreams. I allow myself to grieve in whatever fashion works for me on that day, on that week or in that moment. I will continue to bake and pass on my love for sweet treats to my children and yes, I will have cake. It may not make everything better but it isn't going to hurt.

For those who may now be craving some cake thanks to my post. I thought I would share one of my favourite and easy recipes. There is no need for fancy equipment for this one. Enjoy!

Easy Peasy Choclolate Fudge Cake - adapted from One Bowl Chocolate Cake

2 Cup caster sugar
1 3/4 Cup plain flour
3/4 Cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 Cup milk
1/2 Cup oil (Vegetable or Canola work best)
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 Cup boiling water

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C or 160 fan forced). Grease and flour two 9 inch round pans.
2. In a large bowl, combine first six ingredients.  Make a well in the centre and add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla. Beat for two minutes at medium speed.  (If you do not have electric beaters just mix it heaps!)  Gently site in boiling water.
3. Pour into two 9 inch pans. Bake at 350 degrees F (180 degrees C) for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes in the pan, then turn out onto a wire rack and continue cooling.

This recipe will also make 24 -30 cupcakes depending on the size and can also be used for one large cake as well.  No matter what sort of pan you use this cake will always make your heart happy!

Can be iced with anything you like, but my favourite for a total chocolate overload would be Magnolia Bakery's chocolate buttercream.  Link to recipe here. 

A Virus

Virus

noun

'an infective agent that typically consists of a nucleic acid molecule in a protein coat, is too small to be seen by light microscopy, and is able to multiply only within the living cells of a host.'

We come into contact with viruses every day of our lives. Most of the time they don't do too much. On occasion you get a whopper and you are stuck on your lounge with a nose that seems to be running a marathon and a body that feels as if you have been hitting the gym hard when in reality the only exercise you have done is lifting the TV remote. Viruses have also been know to cause the much debilitating MAN FLU.

As much as a virus is a pain we all recover normally within 7 – 10 days and go upon our lives.

A week ago the word virus entered my life again and this time its impact has lasting effects. We found out from the Doctors that Annabelle's little life was lost due to a virus. Unfortunately a virus attacked my placenta and that was that. When the placenta is compromised and cannot function then it cannot transfer nutrients to the baby.

I learned there are a few common viruses that can cause this sort of acute attack, however it wasn't one of those that invaded my body. No, of course not. My body had to come in contact with some obscure virus that for whatever reason my placenta couldn't fight. Lucky me.

Actually in some ways I am lucky. I am lucky that we received an answer. I am lucky because the odds of this happening again are extremely tiny. I am lucky because my little girl didn't suffer. I am lucky because I have an amazing medical team who have been with me every step of the way and have promised me that they will do everything in their power to ensure that I get to go home with my next baby. I am lucky because I am Annabelle's Mum.

With all this luck you would think then that I would be happy to have the answer and the closure that it brings with it. In some respects I am. It is probably one of the best outcomes we could have asked for. However, it doesn't make it any better. The one question that I really want answered is 'Why?' and I will never have that. That is the hardest part for me.

I miss Annabelle every moment of every day and I wish things could be different, but this is now my reality. Unfortunately I can't go back in time and change things as much as I want to. For me I just have to continue to go forward. It is not always easy to keep moving but unfortunately it is a fundamental part of life.

I want to continue to live for my children and my husband and I want to move forward as I want Annabelle to have a little brother or sister. So for now I will put one foot in front of the other and march on. I will continue to share my story in hope that I am helping and making a difference. I will continue to dislike viruses and do my best to not let them invade our lives; certainly never again to this magnitude.

Waiting

I hate waiting. There I said it; admitted it to the entire world. Don't get me wrong, hating it doesn't mean I don't do it. I do.

Nine weeks after Annabelle's birth we are still waiting for the 'big meeting' at the hospital with the doctors to discuss all of the test results. This meeting should have been two weeks ago but unfortunately not all results were back and so the wait continues.

Of everything I have ever had to wait for, this is by far the hardest.  Normally when you are waiting there is an end result and you know what you will receive or achieve once your time is up.  Not on this occasion. Once my wait is finally over I may be awarded with nothing – no resolution – no happy news  – no answers.  The idea that we could possibly never know why Annabelle died petrifies me.  I am someone who needs answers and needs to know 'why' to everything.  There needs to be a reason why my little girl is no longer here, and no, I don't think it has anything to do with my body only being able to grow boys so thank you to those who have so graciously tried to make me feel better by saying that.  In future just give me a hug and a chocolate bar.

I know that receiving no answers is a very real possibility as statistics show that one third of all stirbirths remain unexplained. With this in mind I have chosen to direct my focus to the information we need to obtain on how to proceed with the next baby. With all the fear and loss that swims around in me daily I am still very optimistic that we will have our rainbow baby. I have never before had such a strong desire to have a baby.   I am sure that sounds crazy to half the people out there but it is what I feel. For those who are wondering, yes I know the next baby wont replace Annabelle.  No one will replace her.  Annabelle will forever remain a part of our family; our firstborn daughter and third child.  Myself and my husband know that we want to continue to add to our family.  I never thought I would have anymore than three children, but clearly someone else higher knew I would.

Our meeting is now scheduled for Wednesday.  I hope that if nothing else the answers I can receive are to my questions of how to proceed with the next bub. I need every question I have answered and every i dotted and t crossed so that I am prepared.  I know that Annabelle would love a little brother or sister.  My next baby has to be born alive and healthy.  There is no other option.