One Year

One Year.  Twelve Months.  52 Weeks. 365 Days.  Here I am.  I am a survivor.

In those first few days and weeks after Annabelle's birth I really didn't know how I would survive and make it month and after month without her.  Life had changed and I felt lost and empty.

There are times when things still feel somewhat empty.  A piece of our family puzzle is missing and always will be, but we always remember her.  To quote the most recent movie I have seen at the theatre, The Book of Life - 'If you always remember them they are never forgotten.'

Just as we are all different, so is how we cope with our grief and loss.  For myself and our family it felt right to make a place with our family photos for Annabelle's photos and keepsakes.  Our boys each have a shelf and she does as well.  When we talk about her we always use her name.  That may not work for everyone but it works for us.

To be honest we don't speak of her everyday.  We currently have a six year old and a three year old that keep us really busy plus our rainbow baby who is due in less than three weeks.  Life gets crazy and with the two boys most conversation in our house revolves around superheroes, bums and bodily functions.  I do however think of Annabelle everyday; somedays more than others.

I wasn't sure what the one year anniversary would be.  To be quite honest I wasn't sure how to refer to today.  Is it her Birthday?  Her Angelversary?  An anniversary?  I am now set on the fact that April 4 will always be her birthday.  Although born sleeping, she was still born and I gave birth to her.  Those memories are still very vivid, so yes, today is Annabelle's birthday.

It is my daughter's birthday and instead of being manic rushing around my house making last minute preparations for a big party, I am sitting here in my pyjamas blogging.  It has taken me until about ten minutes ago to decide exactly what sort of cake I was going to make.  You see I promised her when I held her for those five precious hours that I would make her a very pink cake each year on her birthday.

Today I will bake my daughter's cake and this afternoon we will take it down to where most of her ashes are scattered and remember.  We are also going to do a belly photo shoot at the same.  In some ways expecting Annabelle's little brother or sister in just a few weeks feels as if we have come full circle.  It is bitter sweet.  I cannot wait to meet this little person but I am still sad that I will never know who Annabelle would have been or what colour eyes she would have had.  All the dreams you have for your children start at conception and losing those is very hard.

I am happy to say that one year on most days for me are good ones.  Losing Annabelle is and will probably always be the worst day of my life.  The loss of a child no matter how old is not how the world is supposed to work and a sliver of your heart goes with them.  It changes you.  That is a fact.  However, losing my daughter has also blessed my life in  many ways.  I have met some amazing women and I am now happy to call them my friends.  I appreciate life more than I did before and hubby and I are closer.  I have this blog and I have been able to share my journey with the world and heal at the same time.

It has been one year since I held Annabelle for the first and last time.  One year since I met my daughter and had to say goodbye all within the space of five hours.  One year since I became a mother to three.  Yes, a lot has happened in one year.  I am now a bereaved mother and can recommend a funeral home if someone needs one.  Not things I want to be or have knowledge of but I do.  This is my new normal.  My new life.

The next year is full to bring lots of emotions.  We will have a new baby, our fourth child.  Life will get even more hectic and I will live another year of my life without Annabelle.  I like to think that each year will get just a bit easier but only time will tell.  For now I am focused on the positives and the one thing that will never change - I am a MOTHER; Annabelle's Mum.

Happy Birthday Annabelle Grace.  Mummy, Daddy, Tanner & Archer love you and always will. xx

An Announcement

I have been quiet on the blog. I know this. It has been hard as I have had something I have wanted to blog about now for weeks but it wasn't the right time. Everything else I thought about writing didn't seem to compare to what I really wanted to share.

Luckily the time has come and I can now share some news with all of you. For those who do not follow the Annabelle's Grace Facebook page, I put up a little announcement about 3 weeks ago.

Yes, we are expecting again! Our Rainbow Baby.  

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies". The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. This is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

It is an extremely exciting and anxious time. Each scan brings with it excitement and nerves. Nerves because I will never forget the scan with Annabelle where they told me there was no heartbeat. I quietly hold my breath now while the sonographer goes to get the first image from inside my belly. As soon as I see the heart beating I exhale and everything in that moment is perfect and right in the world.

As I write this I have just recently had a scan and I am happy to report all is as it should be.  We have one healthy baby and are nearly 17 weeks along.

The decision was made for me that I would be seen every 4 weeks for a scan to check on baby's progress. For me I am happy with this as I want to do everything I can to make sure this baby grows and is healthy and arrives alive.

So far the most common question I am asked is 'will you find out the sex?' followed by a close second of 'how are you feeling?'. Both questions are normal and fine but I hear them so much!

To answer them, I don't know about finding out. We have always found out with our other three and there was no question to whether we would or not, we just did. This time around I feel much differently. I feel that if I find out its a girl I will be worried the whole time that her fate will be the same as Annabelle's. (Yes I know how dumb that sounds but I am just being honest). I also feel that if they say it is a boy my heart will drop and there will be disappointment for some time as that means Annabelle was my only little girl and I was somehow robbed of this. (Again dumb but true.) Of course these feelings wouldn't last long and hubby and I truly are happy with whatever bundle of joy we get. However, because of these feelings I currently do not want to know. I feel that finding out at the birth will prevent these negative thoughts. Be aware I may change my mind – I am not exactly the most patient person. ;)

For the second question, I feel pregnant but fine. Nothing different from last time or frankly from the boys. I get tired and eat heaps. Sometimes I feel sick other times full of energy. I have hormones which means I can cry at the lamest commercial on TV or just lose my cool at the worst or weirdest time. That is pregnancy and I am pregnant so that is me. But, really I am fine.

I look forward to sharing this next part of my journey with all of you. I would say it is definitely a different experience this time around as I know so much more and fear is definitely present but in saying that I am excited and cannot wait for this bundle of joy to arrive. I know Annabelle is watching from above and doing what she can to take care of her little brother or sister.

Until my next update may your day be full of hope, sunshine and happiness.

Grieving and Conceiving

I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle. When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12 weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been something wrong' reason.

I have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but couldn't do much beyond that.

It wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did before. My empathy has increased.

Losing a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to deliver them their child.

As a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we knew we would be mothers.

When your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their 40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and no reason why we couldn't have babies.

Through my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just the dumb virus that stuffed things up!

I knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself. I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to the moon.

I now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss or just desperately wanting to start that family. 

With my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey. 

B. R.

K. M.

M. G.

M. B.

If I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand them and above all else, just be there.

As women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing, strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as 'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view ourselves.  

Busy

I'm back!! I know it has been well over a month since I last posted. Last time I wrote I promised how I wouldn't leave you all again. Whoops! Sorry about that! I swear I had every intention to write weekly but time has escaped me!

Life has been BUSY. I remember after I had first had Annabelle I craved busyness and activity. The more stuff I had to focus on the less I thought about her and all the sadness that went with it. While I wanted life to be hectic at this time I quickly learned that a) being busy didn't really fix anything and b) no one lets you be busy at the beginning of your grief as they all give you space and time. Due to this I did the only thing I could at the time; I jumped on my grief train and started my ride.

It has now been six months since Annabelle was born and I started my journey. While I am still on the train it has changed significantly in the past month. The train is now full with much more life and happiness. Currently I am happy in this spot. Yes, things are crazy hectic but in a good way. I think of my little girl every day but am also looking forward to the future and what is has to hold for myself and my family.

I am aware that this happiness will be woven with moments of sadness, fear, anxiety and many other emotions but currently the happy is all I am focusing on. I have some things coming up that I am looking forward to sharing with you over the next few weeks. For now I will leave you all with a bit of happiness just in case maybe at this moment you could use some. CLICK FOR HAPPY

The Glad Game

When I was younger one of my favourite movies to watch was Disney's Pollyanna. My Mom reminded me of this the other day when she mentioned the 'Glad Game'. This was a game that Pollyanna used to play.

Recently I have been having a bit of a rough time. I have been more negative than usual and missing my little girl a lot too. I know these lows are all part of the grieving process, but sometimes you need something to snap you out of it. It isn’t' healthy to be unhappy and angry 24/7 and it really doesn't accomplish anything.

With this in mind, I thought about my own Glad Game. Below is a list of things that I am glad about. Being positive or glad about things in no way means that I am not sad or that I am trying to mask my sadness or despair. I am not trying to diminish those feelings. I am very much a person who allows myself to feel how I am feeling and I try not to chastise myself too much about any particular feeling. In saying this though, I am also a person who can quickly get herself into a downward spiral. That spiral can then turn cyclonic and bring others into it and I don't want to to do that. So without further delay, please see my Glad Game below.

- I am glad that Annabelle is not in pain, nor was she ever in any pain.

- I am glad that my gorgeous boys and hubby continue to speak of their sister/daughter

- I am glad when anyone speaks of Annabelle using her name.

- I am glad that I had such amazing medical care.

- I am glad that it isn't raining today.

- I am glad that my words from this blog are touching so many lives.

- I am glad that I have amazing friends who know the exact right thing to say at the right time.

- I am glad that I live in a country where I have access to great resources and medical care.

- I am glad that I got to hold my baby and I have pictures of her.

- I am glad that I can still have another baby.

- I am glad that I have an amazing supportive husband who is there for me and our family.

- I am glad that spring is just around the corner and with it new beginnings.

I could probably keep this list going but I think that is enough for now. It is funny how once you start thinking about positive things and writing them down they start to flow. I suggest to each of you who read this to try your own Glad Game. I have no doubt that you will find that even after only ten minutes you will find yourself in a better and happier place then you were previously.

I believe we all need to be reminded from time to time that life is not all bad and it is not something out to get us. It can certainly feel that way but by really focusing on the positive and the things you are glad about you might just find that you are able to see the rainbow first instead of the rain.

Nits

After five years, head lice finally snuck their way into our home a little over two weeks ago. It was Friday and a gorgeous day. I had plans. A bit of grocery shopping and then some cleaning and a bit of special one on one time with my little guy.

On the walk up to school with Tanner, who is in Prep, he starts ferociously scratching his head and tells me he thinks he has nits. I being ever optimistic tell him he probably just has some dry skin as this winter has been particularly dry for us. However, being the responsible parent I am I went ahead and checked his head, and there was not one but two little critters right there – taunting me. It was if they were waving a little insect leg at me saying 'Ha ha! forget your plans – we're here and it wont be easy to make us leave'.

So much for my peaceful day. No school meant I had both boys which was fine, but it did turn my shopping trip into utter chaos. Why did I choose this week to physically go to the grocery store, when for the past five weeks I had done it online? Why?! Then of course when we got home it was time to treat everyone's heads and then start the laundry. Now, I complain about laundry on a regular basis and have been known on occasion to see the benefit in being a nudist. However, laundry after the detection of head lice is just insane. I had so much if you had looked in the laundry room you would have just thought it was a room that's only purpose was to hold heaps of stuff.  There was no washing machine to be seen through the mountainous piles of washing.  I believe all up that weekend I did something like 15 loads.

I am happy to report though that the lice have gone and so far so good. I also have an extremely clean house and nearly every piece of linen we own has been washed, dried and put away.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have chosen to blog about this. Really, who wants to hear about my first world problem of nits? Well, a funny thing happened during that crazy Friday. It was the first time since having Annabelle that I was happy she had died. Okay, that sounds horrible. How do I explain it?

I was so happy she would never ever get nits. I was happy I wasn't having to worry about her hair too and having to treat her. It was the first time that an event had occurred since her birth where my first thought wasn't sadness but actually one of happiness.

Don't get me wrong, if someone came to me today and told me I could have her back but she would get Nits I would take her in a heartbeat! When I realised though that I had this happy thought it made me stop and think for just a moment. It was a nice change to have a happy thought first before a sad one. I know there will be more sad moments but for right now I am taking this happiness as it is much nicer to be happy when I think of my little girl then to be sad.

Manual for Grief

I have been quiet on the blog for the last ten days or so and I apologise for that. I hit a bit of a bumpy patch with my journey and just needed time to reflect and curl up in my safe little ball.

My most recent insight into this journey is that my mourning and grief like to take over at the worst times. They come out and grab me and I can't get free. I can't even shove them in a box and pretend they aren't there. No. They are here and I need to deal with them. I am happy to say that I allowed myself to feel, do and grieve as I needed during this time and for that I not only feel better but also stronger. I am back and so very ready to continue to blog and share my story with you.

I actually Googled 'How to handle grief around your due date'. Yes, I actually looked it up. If you're wondering - there was no guide book or step by step. Bummer.

When you have your first baby you realise that there is no manual no matter how much you need one! You can take advice and look up things online but in the end you have to simply learn as you go through the experience of raising that child.

It turns out that grief is very similar. There is no manual for grief. Again, bummer. No two people grieve the same, not even if it is over the same situation.

It is 16 days until my due date for Annabelle. I know that in reality the odds of her arriving on that day were very slim. She may have come a bit early or maybe a few days later. Who knows. In any case this is proving to be more difficult than I had first thought.

I always knew as the due date got closer it would be more emotional, but it has really blindsided me. So many thoughts are rushing around in my head such as 'I would have been massive and waddling around by now', 'I should have been on maternity leave.', 'We would have the baby capsule installed in the car and the boys in their new seats', 'I would have been busy washing all those pink clothes and nesting.'. Ugh! Up until now losing Annabelle has been hard, but as she wasn't technically supposed to be here yet it has been a bit easier. Once the 20^th of August comes and goes I will know that she should have been here. That is when for me it will really feel as if someone is missing from our family. A little someone I wanted so badly. I also know that I need to have the due date come and go as a sort of closure too. As much as I would love to wake with amnesia over her due date I can't.

All I can do now is learn and deal with my grief as I move forward. Actually, it isn't moving forward, or letting go or any other cliché you may hear. What I am doing is learning to continue to live with loss. Live with my grief. Live with this new normal. Life is what keeps going and moving forward. I have to choose to live or I will die too. And frankly I am not ready for that.

So back to that manual. Since there is nothing I can check out from the Library or download off the Internet, I am just going to have to do what feels right for me and see how it works. I am sure as the years go on there will be tweaks and adjustments just as there are with the raising of my two boys.

If anyone else out there has dealt with their due date let me know what you did and what helped or worked for you. If you haven't had the due date yet feel free to take any information you can from me. Maybe I can help you. Maybe not. We are all so different and yet bound together via the loss of our children.

So far my plans to help me deal with this date and the pain and loss associated are to continue to see my counsellor, surround myself with friends and family and probably take the day off of work – just in case. Once this goes that will be it. This is in some ways the final chapter of Annabelle's book. The next major date will be her birthday and that is something I plan to celebrate.