The Importance of Sharing

I have been attending an amazing support group since losing Annabelle. Now I know that support groups are not for everyone, and attending one can be like going on a blind date. However if you find the right one it can be like true love. This is certainly the case for me!

I have not only had amazing support throughout my journey but have made some incredible friends who I cannot imagine my life without.

Recently our group had the opportunity to share our stories with student midwives. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was when I heard about this.

Any chance I get to speak about Annabelle and share my story just makes me so happy. Probably nearly as happy as I was last week thinking about the copious amounts of chocolate I was going to consume on Easter Sunday.

I knew this night would be special, and I knew I would definitely have plenty to share, however what took me by surprise was how moving it was. Speaking to these lovely women brought out so much raw emotion. I have not cried over Annabelle that way in a long time. Nor had I really remembered her entire birth with such vivid images. It was truly beautiful. Being able to have these impassioned releases is incredibly important as I have just realised. Even nearly two years later. It is part of the journey and part of my healing.

I came home that night knowing that I needed to continue to blog and share my story with whoever wanted to listen. This isn't just because it is so important to educate women and to give other bereaved parents hope and support but because I need this just as much.

In just under a week, the 4^th of April will once again appear and it will have been two years since I gave birth to my precious first born daughter who will forever be still. There has been so much that has happened in that time frame, the biggest being our rainbow Piper. I cannot imagine life without her and I am so thankful for her, but of course there will always be part of me that wonders about Annabelle and what life would or could have been. For this reason if nothing else I need to continue to share my feelings and her story.

I am going to continue sharing stories that I hope will be enjoyed and bring you comfort, support or even just a brief moment of laughter. I also would love to be able to share and speak about topics that may be of interest to all of you out there who are reading this. Please leave a comment and let me know if there is something in particular you would like me to share my insight on.

I look forward to another year of sharing and another year of growing stronger through my grief.

Thank You

Let me be the first to say that I am not a blogger.  Nope.  Not in the least.  I do not update this blog at least three times a week as a good blogger should.  Heck, I haven't posted anything for seven months! I am a horrible blogger!  However, I can see that even with my inactivity my blog is still being viewed and seen worldwide.

Thank You

Thank you to those who keep coming back to see if my slack-ass has written anything new.  Thank you to those who have just found me.  Thank you to those who share this blog with their friends and family.

I got to be a part of something very special tonight that has shown me once again how very important it is for me to keep sharing my story.  I guess you could say my passion has been re-ignighted.

Keep your eyes on this space.  New things are coming and I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you.

Four Months

Hello to each and every one of you who have come across this blog post.  Whether you have been with me since the beginning of my journey, or have just stumbled across me today thank you for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts.  I haven't been the best blogger of late but I have a very cute excuse for that....

Piper, Annabelle's little sister, is four months old tomorrow.  Four Months!  I honestly do not know where the time has gone, but here we are.  A third of the first year of her life has passed.  During these past sixteen weeks so many things have happened.  Many of these I expected and have been the same as they were for my boys; sleepless nights, the first smile, the first giggle, baby spew and baby poo.  There have however been some things I didn't expect.

One of these starts off with a little old lady on a cold winter morning.  (Exactly how all stories start off right?!) Piper would have been about six weeks old and myself, Dear Hubby and Masters 6 and 3 were all at our local car boot sale.  The first day of winter hadn't happened yet but it was definitely cool, especially for us here who are used to more sunshine and warmth.  Miss P was dressed in layers of course including a singlet and full suit with feet and hands covered.  She was also wrapped up in a blanket in the pram.

Fast forward about half an hour and Miss P has decided she no longer deems the pram an acceptable means of transportation and demands to be carried in the arms of one of her adult slaves.  Enter stage right, Daddio.  Dear Husband picks her up and has her semi wrapped in her blanket nestled in his arms surrounded by his lovely polar fleece jacket.  Enter stage left, above mentioned little old lady who kindly says 'Isn't she cold?  Look at her little head.  She really should have a beanie on.'  At the time both myself and hubby smile and converse with said woman and explain how she had only recently been in the warmth and comfort of now empty pram and that she was just fine.

Before losing Annabelle that would be the end of the story and you would all be left with a very anti-climatic blog and wondering why I had bothered to write about that at all.  However, since the loss of my first daughter, this story is not yet over.

Now after we all moved away from the over caring elderly stranger, hubby looked at me and said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about her.  She is just trying to be helpful.  Piper is fine but her head is cold so maybe a beanie would be a good idea to add to the nappy bag.' I agreed and realised that after having two boys both born in summer, having a winter baby involved a lot more clothes and an immense amount of laundry.  I continued browsing the car boot sale and tried to shake the comments off.

Two hours later and we arrived home with some bargain finds. This is where I lose the plot.  I look at my hubby (who by the way knew something was bothering me even when I failed to notice myself), and tell him I need to be alone.  I go into my room shut the door and proceed to cry.  Why?  Because of that little old lady!  Her comment had struck a nerve and I couldn't get past it.  How dare she comment on how I dressed Piper or insist that she must be cold!  Didn't she know I wouldn't have brought her out if I had thought any harm could come to her from the weather?  She should keep her stupid beanie opinions to herself.  I am happy to say that after some reassurance from hubby and some time alone my psychotic self left and things seemed to be fine.

It wasn't until over a month later while driving the car to somewhere, (probably to get groceries or collect a child from school), I realised why that comment had set me off as it did.  It wasn't that the comment was information I didn't need (as so much is when you are a parent to a newborn), no it was that at the core her simply mentioning that I could have been placing my child in harm's way immediately made my mind go past GO without collecting two hundred dollars and straight into the thought of DEATH. Why would you say that? Don't you know I have had a baby die.  I would never ever do anything to my child that would cause them to die.  Yup, no beanie when it is cold outside immediately felt like Piper might die from my negligence.  Something tells me if I googled 'death by no beanie', Google would actually laugh at me.

After having this epiphany I then realised how silly I had been.  However, in the moment my anger and sadness was real.  All of it triggered by an innocent comment from a stranger.  Of course she didn't know about Annabelle and of course she was not even hinting at the fact that I was a bad parent or that I in fact would do anything to bring death upon Piper.  It is feelings like these that just hit you out of the blue after a loss.  One moment everything is great and then BANG! a comment about a beanie from an old lady at a market and your entire day is ruined.

In these moments it is made crystal clear that grief is a journey and death and the loss of a child is something you never ever 'get over'. You learn to live and cope but you never forget.  Since then I now try to take every comment (especially those from elderly beanie loving ladies) with a grain of salt and remind myself as often as I can that I am an awesome Mother and Piper is loved and cared for regardless of what items of clothing she may or may not have on.

Happy Four Months Piper and thank you Annabelle for looking down on your little sister and keeping her head warm when your Mother may have failed to pack the necessary head garment.

A Rainbow

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as Rainbow Babies.

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

Our rainbow arrived safely on April 17 at 11.02pm. Piper Leigh was a healthy 7lbs 11oz and 52cm long. She is a much loved and adored little girl and is a little sister for Annabelle as well as her two big brothers.

I have been wanting to write this blog post since the 17^th of April but finding the time with a newborn is challenging plus the added emotion connected to this part of Annabelle's story made the task more difficult than I expected.

Up until now, this blog has primarily been about my journey after losing Annabelle. It has been a way for me to not only heal but to use my grief for good; hopefully help and maybe even inspire others. With each post I found a way to connect to the little girl who was taken away from me too early.

Now I have another daughter. I always felt that once my rainbow baby arrived that would be the end of the story; I would have come full circle. In some ways it is, but I now feel very strongly that it is only the end to one book, not the entire story. Like Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga, my journey of life after stillbirth will be made up of several books. It isn't just one long story that ends with a happy ending. No, the grief for Annabelle will never go away and so because of that, the story will never end.

I can say that with the arrival of Piper there are many areas where it does feel as if the story could end. She has definitely helped heal our entire family. You can not only see this but it can be felt. The atmosphere in our home changed with Piper's arrival. Anxiety levels decreased and a feeling of completion crossed the threshold.

However, the arrival of a rainbow baby brings with it a new set of challenges. I personally think I underestimated exactly how emotional having Piper would be. At times my feelings have caught me off guard and I am not one who likes those sorts of surprises. I am not sure if it is because Piper is a girl, but the strongest feeling I had in the first few days after her birth was that I had been given a second chance. Not just a second chance to have another baby, but a second chance at a daughter; at having the little girl I had longed for.

With this second chance came pressure. The worst part was the pressure was internal. I didn't want to stuff up this second chance or do anything wrong. I couldn't possibly make a mistake as then I wouldn't be doing justice to Piper or her big sister. To honour Annabelle I had to be the best mother and do everything perfect for her little sister. If I failed in any way then in my mind I somehow wasn't doing justice for Annabelle. As I write this now I can see how crazy this sounds, but I have to tell you these feelings were so incredibly strong. How strong you ask? To the point where I cried because I had to put Piper down in her bassinet for all of two minutes so I could go to the toilet. Yup, that crazy!

As a rational person and a mother who has had newborns twice before, I knew I was being irrational. You clearly cannot hold your children 24 hours a day nor do you want to. I was of course not doing anything wrong by Piper or by Annabelle. In fact I was doing the right thing, but in that moment I felt guilty. That sums it up – GUILT. There has been guilt.

How was it that I was able to carry Piper to term and I couldn't for Annabelle? I know the answer to this question, and I know it has nothing to do with me but as a Mother we cannot help but blame ourselves. I felt guilty in those first few days after Piper came home for a multitude of reasons.

I felt like a cake of emotions. My cake had a layer of immense pressure, topped by one of guilt and then covered in a thick ganache of sadness. Yes I was sad. I wondered if Annabelle would have looked like Piper? Would they have shared any of the same characteristics? Would they have had similar mannerisms? I wont ever know and that is heartbreaking.

Now take this cake and add it to the emotional roller coaster you get to go on after giving birth and you can clearly see why the first two weeks of Piper's life I spent using a lot of tissues.

I am very happy to say that although there were a lot of tears, there was also immense pride and joy. If we hadn't of lost Annabelle, Piper wouldn't be with us today. I also believe that Annabelle played a part in making sure her little sister arrived safely.

Piper's safe arrival was also due to an incredible team at the hospital. I cannot thank or praise all of the staff that the Maternal Fetal Health Unit at GCUH. They go above and beyond for each of their patients and I feel honoured to have been one of them.

Stillbirth is part of my story and that will never change, but with the arrival of my rainbow it now hurts just a fraction less than it did before. I know that there will continue to be days where tears flow for Annabelle and that is okay. I am allowed to have those emotions and feel them. Piper may drive me crazy at times such as when she felt that she wanted to have a party at 3am in her cot and I am allowed to feel annoyed by this. I do not have to feel guilty. I am a wonderful mother and I love all four of my children. My emotions do not negate anything that has happened nor do they reflect negatively on Annabelle's story.

Annabelle my love for you hasn't changed and I know that you will be your sister's guardian angel from above.

Welcome to the world Piper Leigh – your story has just begun and I look forward to reading each chapter.

One Year

One Year.  Twelve Months.  52 Weeks. 365 Days.  Here I am.  I am a survivor.

In those first few days and weeks after Annabelle's birth I really didn't know how I would survive and make it month and after month without her.  Life had changed and I felt lost and empty.

There are times when things still feel somewhat empty.  A piece of our family puzzle is missing and always will be, but we always remember her.  To quote the most recent movie I have seen at the theatre, The Book of Life - 'If you always remember them they are never forgotten.'

Just as we are all different, so is how we cope with our grief and loss.  For myself and our family it felt right to make a place with our family photos for Annabelle's photos and keepsakes.  Our boys each have a shelf and she does as well.  When we talk about her we always use her name.  That may not work for everyone but it works for us.

To be honest we don't speak of her everyday.  We currently have a six year old and a three year old that keep us really busy plus our rainbow baby who is due in less than three weeks.  Life gets crazy and with the two boys most conversation in our house revolves around superheroes, bums and bodily functions.  I do however think of Annabelle everyday; somedays more than others.

I wasn't sure what the one year anniversary would be.  To be quite honest I wasn't sure how to refer to today.  Is it her Birthday?  Her Angelversary?  An anniversary?  I am now set on the fact that April 4 will always be her birthday.  Although born sleeping, she was still born and I gave birth to her.  Those memories are still very vivid, so yes, today is Annabelle's birthday.

It is my daughter's birthday and instead of being manic rushing around my house making last minute preparations for a big party, I am sitting here in my pyjamas blogging.  It has taken me until about ten minutes ago to decide exactly what sort of cake I was going to make.  You see I promised her when I held her for those five precious hours that I would make her a very pink cake each year on her birthday.

Today I will bake my daughter's cake and this afternoon we will take it down to where most of her ashes are scattered and remember.  We are also going to do a belly photo shoot at the same.  In some ways expecting Annabelle's little brother or sister in just a few weeks feels as if we have come full circle.  It is bitter sweet.  I cannot wait to meet this little person but I am still sad that I will never know who Annabelle would have been or what colour eyes she would have had.  All the dreams you have for your children start at conception and losing those is very hard.

I am happy to say that one year on most days for me are good ones.  Losing Annabelle is and will probably always be the worst day of my life.  The loss of a child no matter how old is not how the world is supposed to work and a sliver of your heart goes with them.  It changes you.  That is a fact.  However, losing my daughter has also blessed my life in  many ways.  I have met some amazing women and I am now happy to call them my friends.  I appreciate life more than I did before and hubby and I are closer.  I have this blog and I have been able to share my journey with the world and heal at the same time.

It has been one year since I held Annabelle for the first and last time.  One year since I met my daughter and had to say goodbye all within the space of five hours.  One year since I became a mother to three.  Yes, a lot has happened in one year.  I am now a bereaved mother and can recommend a funeral home if someone needs one.  Not things I want to be or have knowledge of but I do.  This is my new normal.  My new life.

The next year is full to bring lots of emotions.  We will have a new baby, our fourth child.  Life will get even more hectic and I will live another year of my life without Annabelle.  I like to think that each year will get just a bit easier but only time will tell.  For now I am focused on the positives and the one thing that will never change - I am a MOTHER; Annabelle's Mum.

Happy Birthday Annabelle Grace.  Mummy, Daddy, Tanner & Archer love you and always will. xx

An Announcement

I have been quiet on the blog. I know this. It has been hard as I have had something I have wanted to blog about now for weeks but it wasn't the right time. Everything else I thought about writing didn't seem to compare to what I really wanted to share.

Luckily the time has come and I can now share some news with all of you. For those who do not follow the Annabelle's Grace Facebook page, I put up a little announcement about 3 weeks ago.

Yes, we are expecting again! Our Rainbow Baby.  

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies". The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. This is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

It is an extremely exciting and anxious time. Each scan brings with it excitement and nerves. Nerves because I will never forget the scan with Annabelle where they told me there was no heartbeat. I quietly hold my breath now while the sonographer goes to get the first image from inside my belly. As soon as I see the heart beating I exhale and everything in that moment is perfect and right in the world.

As I write this I have just recently had a scan and I am happy to report all is as it should be.  We have one healthy baby and are nearly 17 weeks along.

The decision was made for me that I would be seen every 4 weeks for a scan to check on baby's progress. For me I am happy with this as I want to do everything I can to make sure this baby grows and is healthy and arrives alive.

So far the most common question I am asked is 'will you find out the sex?' followed by a close second of 'how are you feeling?'. Both questions are normal and fine but I hear them so much!

To answer them, I don't know about finding out. We have always found out with our other three and there was no question to whether we would or not, we just did. This time around I feel much differently. I feel that if I find out its a girl I will be worried the whole time that her fate will be the same as Annabelle's. (Yes I know how dumb that sounds but I am just being honest). I also feel that if they say it is a boy my heart will drop and there will be disappointment for some time as that means Annabelle was my only little girl and I was somehow robbed of this. (Again dumb but true.) Of course these feelings wouldn't last long and hubby and I truly are happy with whatever bundle of joy we get. However, because of these feelings I currently do not want to know. I feel that finding out at the birth will prevent these negative thoughts. Be aware I may change my mind – I am not exactly the most patient person. ;)

For the second question, I feel pregnant but fine. Nothing different from last time or frankly from the boys. I get tired and eat heaps. Sometimes I feel sick other times full of energy. I have hormones which means I can cry at the lamest commercial on TV or just lose my cool at the worst or weirdest time. That is pregnancy and I am pregnant so that is me. But, really I am fine.

I look forward to sharing this next part of my journey with all of you. I would say it is definitely a different experience this time around as I know so much more and fear is definitely present but in saying that I am excited and cannot wait for this bundle of joy to arrive. I know Annabelle is watching from above and doing what she can to take care of her little brother or sister.

Until my next update may your day be full of hope, sunshine and happiness.

Grieving and Conceiving

I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle. When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12 weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been something wrong' reason.

I have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but couldn't do much beyond that.

It wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did before. My empathy has increased.

Losing a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to deliver them their child.

As a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we knew we would be mothers.

When your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their 40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and no reason why we couldn't have babies.

Through my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just the dumb virus that stuffed things up!

I knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself. I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to the moon.

I now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss or just desperately wanting to start that family. 

With my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey. 

B. R.

K. M.

M. G.

M. B.

If I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand them and above all else, just be there.

As women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing, strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as 'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view ourselves.