Congratulations!

A few months before Annabelle was conceived, my Facebook feed was full of friends sharing with the world the exciting news that they were expecting.  In fact for three particular ladies, it was their very first pregnancy announcement.

I knew that the news of Annabelle would probably hit these three amazing women hard as hearing and seeing the effects of stillbirth up close and personal cannot be easy.  I also wouldn't be surprised if they felt guilt in some way as they were still pregnant when I wasn't.  I know I felt this when a very close friend of my suffered a miscarriage earlier in the year.

I also know that they felt unsure of how I would feel seeing them pregnant after I lost Annabelle.  For me seeing other pregnant women hasn't bothered me.  Yes, I will admit the first outing into public after her birth was a bit tough but I can't judge.  For all I know the pregnant woman in front of me getting her groceries is carrying her rainbow.

I am not jealous or upset.  I am happy for my pregnant friends to share the details of their journey and each and every scan photo as pregnancy and birth are a joyous time and should be celebrated.  I very much want each of these women to be able to take their baby home.

It is with a very happy heart that I would like to welcome to the world three gorgeous little souls who have only just recently arrived.  Please join me in congratulating their gorgeous mothers who they will one day grow to realise they are lucky to have.  They are listed below in birth order.

Charlotte Grace

Maddox Archer

Silas Xavier

I look forward to watching all three of you grow, just as I look forward to being able to make more happy announcements on this page in future.

Life continues and it is beautiful; never take it for granted.

Mother's Day

Being a Mother

I will wake tomorrow morning, my first Mother's Day, as the mother of three children and yet the world can only see two.  I would have been 25 weeks, growing bigger with each passing day but I'm not.  Instead Annabelle arrived on April 4 and now I am a mother with an angel baby.

Unless you know me you will never know.  You will only see what is in the moment.  You will not know my story.  You will not see us as a family of five, but we are.  You will not realise that there should be an extra car seat in the back of my car or that only two months ago I felt the flutter of my daughter's first kick.  You do not know that the only item I ever got to buy my little girl was the blanket she was wrapped in for her cremation.

As I know you will not see my entire story, I will not judge you.  I will understand if your words do more harm then good for me.  I know you don't and that is okay.  As we do not walk around with our stories on display please remember that any woman you meet could be a mother, even if you do not 'see' her children.  Our babies our forever in our hearts and never forgotten.

It is with a grieving yet compassionate heart that I would like to wish every mother a Happy Mothers Day for 2014.  May all of your children know how truly blessed they are to have you as their Mum and may the world see you for the strong and amazing woman you are.

Fridays

Fridays are different now.  They no longer signal just the end of a busy and hectic week but also stand as a reminder to how much time has passed since Annabelle was born.  This friday marks five weeks.

I don't consciously count down the days until the next friday, no they sneak up on me.  Of course I know they are coming, as they do every week, and yet I forget.  Life gets in the way.  Before I know it another week has come and gone.  

I miss my little girl every moment of every day and no matter how busy I am the void is always there.  Sometimes it sits quietly in the background happy not to be noticed and other times it screams at me making sure I jump up and pay attention.  

I have known from the moment hubby and I walked out of the hospital without our baby that this void would form part of our new 'normal'.  And yet it wasn't until earlier in the week when the realisation arrived like an unwelcome guest, that it wont matter what things happen in the years to come as the emptiness will always remain; part of me, part of our family, part of the world is missing.

In the future maybe friday will come and I will forget exactly how many weeks or months it has been.  Part of me would like that.  Somehow I think that would be easier.  Deep down I know this probably isn't true but I will get back to you.

Until then, this Mummy of three is going to bed.  Tomorrow I hope to meet friday with a smile and be ready for whatever it brings.  

Four Weeks

It has been four weeks. That is 28 days, 672 hours, 40,320 minutes or 2,419,200 seconds. Yes, four weeks since my life and the world as I had known it came crashing down like an avalanche.  At approximately 5.30pm on Wednesday April 2, a sonographer had the unpleasant job of telling me after she scanned my abdomen for several minutes, that my precious baby girl was no longer alive.

For as long as I live I will never forget that moment.  As she uttered the words 'I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this...' while I gazed on at the image of my little girl's chest on the monitor will be with me until I take my last breath.  

I knew the minute I saw her chest the heart was no longer beating.  Even though I could see the proof it didn't make hearing it any less painful or easier.  The walls seemed to start moving closer trying to squeeze out any ounce of life I had left in me.  I was there in those ultrasound offices alone because there was no need for hubby to come along.  This was simply a fun scan.  I had my official diagnostic scan the Friday before - 5 days earlier- and everything was fine.  She was baby #3 and we had never had any issues so me in my little bubble of happiness and naivety went off alone.  

I somehow managed to make a phone call I never expected to make which was to hubby to tell him of the news.  His loss for words followed by tears summed it up for me.  This was real.  It wasn't a horrible dream.  My baby was dead.  The child I had planned for and wanted was gone.  

I made it home through a thick fog of shock and sadness. The home I had made with my husband and two gorgeous boys somehow didn't feel the same as I crossed the threshold.  The rooms seemed darker and I knew this was only the beginning of my journey.

Annabelle Grace was born on April 4, 2014 at 4.38pm at 20 weeks.  This blog is for her. This blog is for me.  This blog is for any woman who has had a sliver of her heart forever ripped away with the loss of her child.  This is my journey and I hope that in sharing it I will be able to dignify my child's life however brief it was, allow myself and family to heal and hopefully inspire and help others who may be facing the same unimaginable loss.