Grieving and Conceiving

I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle. When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12 weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been something wrong' reason.

I have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but couldn't do much beyond that.

It wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did before. My empathy has increased.

Losing a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to deliver them their child.

As a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we knew we would be mothers.

When your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their 40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and no reason why we couldn't have babies.

Through my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just the dumb virus that stuffed things up!

I knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself. I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to the moon.

I now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss or just desperately wanting to start that family. 

With my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey. 

B. R.

K. M.

M. G.

M. B.

If I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand them and above all else, just be there.

As women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing, strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as 'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view ourselves.  

Busy

I'm back!! I know it has been well over a month since I last posted. Last time I wrote I promised how I wouldn't leave you all again. Whoops! Sorry about that! I swear I had every intention to write weekly but time has escaped me!

Life has been BUSY. I remember after I had first had Annabelle I craved busyness and activity. The more stuff I had to focus on the less I thought about her and all the sadness that went with it. While I wanted life to be hectic at this time I quickly learned that a) being busy didn't really fix anything and b) no one lets you be busy at the beginning of your grief as they all give you space and time. Due to this I did the only thing I could at the time; I jumped on my grief train and started my ride.

It has now been six months since Annabelle was born and I started my journey. While I am still on the train it has changed significantly in the past month. The train is now full with much more life and happiness. Currently I am happy in this spot. Yes, things are crazy hectic but in a good way. I think of my little girl every day but am also looking forward to the future and what is has to hold for myself and my family.

I am aware that this happiness will be woven with moments of sadness, fear, anxiety and many other emotions but currently the happy is all I am focusing on. I have some things coming up that I am looking forward to sharing with you over the next few weeks. For now I will leave you all with a bit of happiness just in case maybe at this moment you could use some. CLICK FOR HAPPY

The Glad Game

When I was younger one of my favourite movies to watch was Disney's Pollyanna. My Mom reminded me of this the other day when she mentioned the 'Glad Game'. This was a game that Pollyanna used to play.

Recently I have been having a bit of a rough time. I have been more negative than usual and missing my little girl a lot too. I know these lows are all part of the grieving process, but sometimes you need something to snap you out of it. It isn’t' healthy to be unhappy and angry 24/7 and it really doesn't accomplish anything.

With this in mind, I thought about my own Glad Game. Below is a list of things that I am glad about. Being positive or glad about things in no way means that I am not sad or that I am trying to mask my sadness or despair. I am not trying to diminish those feelings. I am very much a person who allows myself to feel how I am feeling and I try not to chastise myself too much about any particular feeling. In saying this though, I am also a person who can quickly get herself into a downward spiral. That spiral can then turn cyclonic and bring others into it and I don't want to to do that. So without further delay, please see my Glad Game below.

- I am glad that Annabelle is not in pain, nor was she ever in any pain.

- I am glad that my gorgeous boys and hubby continue to speak of their sister/daughter

- I am glad when anyone speaks of Annabelle using her name.

- I am glad that I had such amazing medical care.

- I am glad that it isn't raining today.

- I am glad that my words from this blog are touching so many lives.

- I am glad that I have amazing friends who know the exact right thing to say at the right time.

- I am glad that I live in a country where I have access to great resources and medical care.

- I am glad that I got to hold my baby and I have pictures of her.

- I am glad that I can still have another baby.

- I am glad that I have an amazing supportive husband who is there for me and our family.

- I am glad that spring is just around the corner and with it new beginnings.

I could probably keep this list going but I think that is enough for now. It is funny how once you start thinking about positive things and writing them down they start to flow. I suggest to each of you who read this to try your own Glad Game. I have no doubt that you will find that even after only ten minutes you will find yourself in a better and happier place then you were previously.

I believe we all need to be reminded from time to time that life is not all bad and it is not something out to get us. It can certainly feel that way but by really focusing on the positive and the things you are glad about you might just find that you are able to see the rainbow first instead of the rain.

Nits

After five years, head lice finally snuck their way into our home a little over two weeks ago. It was Friday and a gorgeous day. I had plans. A bit of grocery shopping and then some cleaning and a bit of special one on one time with my little guy.

On the walk up to school with Tanner, who is in Prep, he starts ferociously scratching his head and tells me he thinks he has nits. I being ever optimistic tell him he probably just has some dry skin as this winter has been particularly dry for us. However, being the responsible parent I am I went ahead and checked his head, and there was not one but two little critters right there – taunting me. It was if they were waving a little insect leg at me saying 'Ha ha! forget your plans – we're here and it wont be easy to make us leave'.

So much for my peaceful day. No school meant I had both boys which was fine, but it did turn my shopping trip into utter chaos. Why did I choose this week to physically go to the grocery store, when for the past five weeks I had done it online? Why?! Then of course when we got home it was time to treat everyone's heads and then start the laundry. Now, I complain about laundry on a regular basis and have been known on occasion to see the benefit in being a nudist. However, laundry after the detection of head lice is just insane. I had so much if you had looked in the laundry room you would have just thought it was a room that's only purpose was to hold heaps of stuff.  There was no washing machine to be seen through the mountainous piles of washing.  I believe all up that weekend I did something like 15 loads.

I am happy to report though that the lice have gone and so far so good. I also have an extremely clean house and nearly every piece of linen we own has been washed, dried and put away.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have chosen to blog about this. Really, who wants to hear about my first world problem of nits? Well, a funny thing happened during that crazy Friday. It was the first time since having Annabelle that I was happy she had died. Okay, that sounds horrible. How do I explain it?

I was so happy she would never ever get nits. I was happy I wasn't having to worry about her hair too and having to treat her. It was the first time that an event had occurred since her birth where my first thought wasn't sadness but actually one of happiness.

Don't get me wrong, if someone came to me today and told me I could have her back but she would get Nits I would take her in a heartbeat! When I realised though that I had this happy thought it made me stop and think for just a moment. It was a nice change to have a happy thought first before a sad one. I know there will be more sad moments but for right now I am taking this happiness as it is much nicer to be happy when I think of my little girl then to be sad.

Manual for Grief

I have been quiet on the blog for the last ten days or so and I apologise for that. I hit a bit of a bumpy patch with my journey and just needed time to reflect and curl up in my safe little ball.

My most recent insight into this journey is that my mourning and grief like to take over at the worst times. They come out and grab me and I can't get free. I can't even shove them in a box and pretend they aren't there. No. They are here and I need to deal with them. I am happy to say that I allowed myself to feel, do and grieve as I needed during this time and for that I not only feel better but also stronger. I am back and so very ready to continue to blog and share my story with you.

I actually Googled 'How to handle grief around your due date'. Yes, I actually looked it up. If you're wondering - there was no guide book or step by step. Bummer.

When you have your first baby you realise that there is no manual no matter how much you need one! You can take advice and look up things online but in the end you have to simply learn as you go through the experience of raising that child.

It turns out that grief is very similar. There is no manual for grief. Again, bummer. No two people grieve the same, not even if it is over the same situation.

It is 16 days until my due date for Annabelle. I know that in reality the odds of her arriving on that day were very slim. She may have come a bit early or maybe a few days later. Who knows. In any case this is proving to be more difficult than I had first thought.

I always knew as the due date got closer it would be more emotional, but it has really blindsided me. So many thoughts are rushing around in my head such as 'I would have been massive and waddling around by now', 'I should have been on maternity leave.', 'We would have the baby capsule installed in the car and the boys in their new seats', 'I would have been busy washing all those pink clothes and nesting.'. Ugh! Up until now losing Annabelle has been hard, but as she wasn't technically supposed to be here yet it has been a bit easier. Once the 20^th of August comes and goes I will know that she should have been here. That is when for me it will really feel as if someone is missing from our family. A little someone I wanted so badly. I also know that I need to have the due date come and go as a sort of closure too. As much as I would love to wake with amnesia over her due date I can't.

All I can do now is learn and deal with my grief as I move forward. Actually, it isn't moving forward, or letting go or any other cliché you may hear. What I am doing is learning to continue to live with loss. Live with my grief. Live with this new normal. Life is what keeps going and moving forward. I have to choose to live or I will die too. And frankly I am not ready for that.

So back to that manual. Since there is nothing I can check out from the Library or download off the Internet, I am just going to have to do what feels right for me and see how it works. I am sure as the years go on there will be tweaks and adjustments just as there are with the raising of my two boys.

If anyone else out there has dealt with their due date let me know what you did and what helped or worked for you. If you haven't had the due date yet feel free to take any information you can from me. Maybe I can help you. Maybe not. We are all so different and yet bound together via the loss of our children.

So far my plans to help me deal with this date and the pain and loss associated are to continue to see my counsellor, surround myself with friends and family and probably take the day off of work – just in case. Once this goes that will be it. This is in some ways the final chapter of Annabelle's book. The next major date will be her birthday and that is something I plan to celebrate.

Trying Again

From the moment I had Annabelle I knew that she would not be my last baby. As long as we were able to have another, then we would. I couldn't let this experience be my last in a birth suite. I needed to be able to take home a live baby. Even hubby felt the same; we both knew Annabelle would not be our last.

And so here we are, thirteen weeks after her arrival, trying again. It has a different feel to it as compared to our first three. Somehow there is more pressure associated this time. Pressure not only to conceive but to ensure this baby survives. Sure the odds of another virus attacking my placenta are extremely rare, but what about all those other things I now know about. Oh, Dr Google, how I loathe you.

On one hand knowing the risks and possible outcomes is good. At least, if heaven forbid, someething happened again I would be somewhat prepared and not so blindsided as I was with Annabelle. I feel that some knowledge is power. However, too much of it can be bad. And couple this with an over active brain that comes up with the worst possible scenarios and morbid thoughts and you get crazy me! Not exactly the best combination when you are trying to conceive your rainbow baby but I won't let this stop me.

I have never wanted a baby as bad as I do now which doesn't help with the stress and pressure. I am going to try and relax and let things fall into place. Hopefully we will be blessed sooner rather than later. I know Annabelle will be happy to know we are going to give her a little brother or sister and so I am jumping on this new emotional roller coaster with my eyes open wide.   As per normal some days will be harder than others and I will be right here blogging about them and this next step in my journey.

Life Lessons

As Annabelle's due date approaches I have noticed my emotions rising up to the surface a bit more often. I have been aware this would probably occur and so have not been completely shocked by their arrival. I do however wish they would stay away.

My grief is not gone by any means and it will live with me permanently. I find that most days are good days and the sadness and accompanying thoughts are minute. However, in the past 7 days I have had two very sad, and as I call them, 'off' days. These are the days where any little thing can set me off or start the flow of tears. It doesn't have to be anything sad or baby / pregnancy related either. Yesterday it was if I should buy my child a $10 toy and the week before it was a good friend not being able to catch up with me. Go figure.

To try and keep things in perspective I have a quote that sits firmly implanted in my mind that I like to recite often.

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."

This is from Regina Brett's Life Lessons. I first came across it about a year ago when a co-worker placed it in the staff toilets of all places. This is only one of the fifty mantras she has written down and all of them have helped me in one way or another. I find reading them very calming and uplifting and thought I would share them here with you.

This particular mantra rings true with me and it helps me remember that everything is not as bad as it seems. Yes, losing my child was devastating and maybe I would trade that over something else, but then NO I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade it as that would mean losing Annabelle completely. She is my daughter and she is continuing to teach me things and bless my life in ways I never imagined. If I swapped my loss for something else, it wouldn't really fix anything. Sure, I wouldn't have the loss but what would I have? Without the loss I don't have Annabelle. I don't have this blog and I haven't gotten to meet all of the wonderful and amazing people I have come in contact with in the last ten weeks.

As much as I wish this wouldn't have happened, it did and in some ways I feel blessed. My circle of friends has now increased and I have learned the true value of life amongst many other things. These are gifts Annabelle has given me; I will not trade them.

Please feel free to share your favourite mantra from the list. I would love to know if any make an impact in your life as they have in mine.