It has been four weeks. That is 28 days, 672 hours, 40,320 minutes or 2,419,200 seconds. Yes, four weeks since my life and the world as I had known it came crashing down like an avalanche. At approximately 5.30pm on Wednesday April 2, a sonographer had the unpleasant job of telling me after she scanned my abdomen for several minutes, that my precious baby girl was no longer alive.
For as long as I live I will never forget that moment. As she uttered the words 'I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this...' while I gazed on at the image of my little girl's chest on the monitor will be with me until I take my last breath.
I knew the minute I saw her chest the heart was no longer beating. Even though I could see the proof it didn't make hearing it any less painful or easier. The walls seemed to start moving closer trying to squeeze out any ounce of life I had left in me. I was there in those ultrasound offices alone because there was no need for hubby to come along. This was simply a fun scan. I had my official diagnostic scan the Friday before - 5 days earlier- and everything was fine. She was baby #3 and we had never had any issues so me in my little bubble of happiness and naivety went off alone.
I somehow managed to make a phone call I never expected to make which was to hubby to tell him of the news. His loss for words followed by tears summed it up for me. This was real. It wasn't a horrible dream. My baby was dead. The child I had planned for and wanted was gone.
I made it home through a thick fog of shock and sadness. The home I had made with my husband and two gorgeous boys somehow didn't feel the same as I crossed the threshold. The rooms seemed darker and I knew this was only the beginning of my journey.
Annabelle Grace was born on April 4, 2014 at 4.38pm at 20 weeks. This blog is for her. This blog is for me. This blog is for any woman who has had a sliver of her heart forever ripped away with the loss of her child. This is my journey and I hope that in sharing it I will be able to dignify my child's life however brief it was, allow myself and family to heal and hopefully inspire and help others who may be facing the same unimaginable loss.
