I have been quiet on the blog. I know
this. It has been hard as I have had something I have wanted to blog
about now for weeks but it wasn't the right time. Everything else I
thought about writing didn't seem to compare to what I really wanted
to share.
Luckily the time has come and I can now
share some news with all of you. For those who do not follow the
Annabelle's Grace Facebook page, I put up a little announcement about
3 weeks ago.
Yes, we are expecting again! Our
Rainbow Baby.
Babies
born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as
"Rainbow Babies". The idea is that the baby is like a
rainbow after a storm. This is the understanding that the beauty of a
rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow
appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the
family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that
something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of
the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow
provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.
It
is an extremely exciting and anxious time. Each scan brings with it
excitement and nerves. Nerves because I will never forget the scan
with Annabelle where they told me there was no heartbeat. I quietly
hold my breath now while the sonographer goes to get the first image
from inside my belly. As soon as I see the heart beating I exhale and
everything in that moment is perfect and right in the world.
As I write this I have just recently had a scan and I am happy to report all is as it should be. We have one healthy baby and are nearly 17 weeks along.
The decision was made for me that I
would be seen every 4 weeks for a scan to check on baby's progress.
For me I am happy with this as I want to do everything I can to
make sure this baby grows and is healthy and arrives alive.
So far the most common question I am
asked is 'will you find out the sex?' followed by a close second of
'how are you feeling?'. Both questions are normal and fine but I
hear them so much!
To answer them, I don't know about
finding out. We have always found out with our other three and there
was no question to whether we would or not, we just did. This time
around I feel much differently. I feel that if I find out its a girl
I will be worried the whole time that her fate will be the same as
Annabelle's. (Yes I know how dumb that sounds but I am just being
honest). I also feel that if they say it is a boy my heart will drop
and there will be disappointment for some time as that means
Annabelle was my only little girl and I was somehow robbed of this.
(Again dumb but true.) Of course these feelings wouldn't last long
and hubby and I truly are happy with whatever bundle of joy we get.
However, because of these feelings I currently do not want to know. I
feel that finding out at the birth will prevent these negative
thoughts. Be aware I may change my mind – I am not exactly the
most patient person. ;)
For the second question, I feel
pregnant but fine. Nothing different from last time or frankly from
the boys. I get tired and eat heaps. Sometimes I feel sick other
times full of energy. I have hormones which means I can cry at the
lamest commercial on TV or just lose my cool at the worst or weirdest
time. That is pregnancy and I am pregnant so that is me. But,
really I am fine.
I look forward to sharing this
next part of my journey with all of you. I would say it is
definitely a different experience this time around as I know so much
more and fear is definitely present but in saying that I am excited
and cannot wait for this bundle of joy to arrive. I know Annabelle
is watching from above and doing what she can to take care of her
little brother or sister.
Until my next update may your day be
full of hope, sunshine and happiness.
