Babies
born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as Rainbow
Babies.
The
idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is the
understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the
ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the
storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its
aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of
light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm
clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of
colour, energy and hope.
Our
rainbow arrived safely on April 17 at 11.02pm. Piper Leigh was a
healthy 7lbs 11oz and 52cm long. She is a much loved and adored
little girl and is a little sister for Annabelle as well as her two
big brothers.
I
have been wanting to write this blog post since the 17th
of April but finding the time with a newborn is challenging plus the
added emotion connected to this part of Annabelle's story made the
task more difficult than I expected.
Up
until now, this blog has primarily been about my journey after losing
Annabelle. It has been a way for me to not only heal but to use my
grief for good; hopefully help and maybe even inspire others. With
each post I found a way to connect to the little girl who was taken
away from me too early.
Now
I have another daughter. I always felt that once my rainbow baby
arrived that would be the end of the story; I would have come full
circle. In some ways it is, but I now feel very strongly that it is
only the end to one book, not the entire story. Like Harry Potter or
the Twilight Saga, my journey of life after stillbirth will be made
up of several books. It isn't just one long story that ends with a
happy ending. No, the grief for Annabelle will never go away and so
because of that, the story will never end.
I
can say that with the arrival of Piper there are many areas where it
does feel as if the story could end. She has definitely helped heal
our entire family. You can not only see this but it can be felt.
The atmosphere in our home changed with Piper's arrival. Anxiety
levels decreased and a feeling of completion crossed the threshold.
However,
the arrival of a rainbow baby brings with it a new set of challenges.
I personally think I underestimated exactly how emotional having
Piper would be. At times my feelings have caught me off guard and I
am not one who likes those sorts of surprises. I am not sure if it
is because Piper is a girl, but the strongest feeling I had in the
first few days after her birth was that I had been given a second
chance. Not just a second chance to have another baby, but a second
chance at a daughter; at having the little girl I had longed for.
With
this second chance came pressure. The worst part was the pressure was
internal. I didn't want to stuff up this second chance or do
anything wrong. I couldn't possibly make a mistake as then I
wouldn't be doing justice to Piper or her big sister. To honour
Annabelle I had to be the best mother and do everything perfect for
her little sister. If I failed in any way then in my mind I somehow
wasn't doing justice for Annabelle. As I write this now I can see
how crazy this sounds, but I have to tell you these feelings were so
incredibly strong. How strong you ask? To the point where I cried
because I had to put Piper down in her bassinet for all of two
minutes so I could go to the toilet. Yup, that crazy!
As
a rational person and a mother who has had newborns twice before, I
knew I was being irrational. You clearly cannot hold your children
24 hours a day nor do you want to. I was of course not doing
anything wrong by Piper or by Annabelle. In fact I was doing the
right thing, but in that moment I felt guilty. That sums it up –
GUILT. There has been guilt.
How
was it that I was able to carry Piper to term and I couldn't for
Annabelle? I know the answer to this question, and I know it has
nothing to do with me but as a Mother we cannot help but blame
ourselves. I felt guilty in those first few days after Piper came
home for a multitude of reasons.
I
felt like a cake of emotions. My cake had a layer of immense
pressure, topped by one of guilt and then covered in a thick ganache
of sadness. Yes I was sad. I wondered if Annabelle would have
looked like Piper? Would they have shared any of the same
characteristics? Would they have had similar mannerisms? I wont ever
know and that is heartbreaking.
Now
take this cake and add it to the emotional roller coaster you get to
go on after giving birth and you can clearly see why the first two
weeks of Piper's life I spent using a lot of tissues.
I
am very happy to say that although there were a lot of tears, there
was also immense pride and joy. If we hadn't of lost Annabelle,
Piper wouldn't be with us today. I also believe that Annabelle
played a part in making sure her little sister arrived safely.
Piper's
safe arrival was also due to an incredible team at the hospital. I
cannot thank or praise all of the staff that the Maternal Fetal
Health Unit at GCUH. They go above and beyond for each of their
patients and I feel honoured to have been one of them.
Stillbirth
is part of my story and that will never change, but with the arrival
of my rainbow it now hurts just a fraction less than it did before.
I know that there will continue to be days where tears flow for
Annabelle and that is okay. I am allowed to have those emotions and
feel them. Piper may drive me crazy at times such as when she felt
that she wanted to have a party at 3am in her cot and I am allowed to
feel annoyed by this. I do not have to feel guilty. I am a
wonderful mother and I love all four of my children. My emotions do
not negate anything that has happened nor do they reflect negatively
on Annabelle's story.
Annabelle my love for you hasn't changed and I know that you will be your sister's guardian angel from above.
Welcome
to the world Piper Leigh – your story has just begun and I look
forward to reading each chapter.
