Piper, Annabelle's little sister, is four months old tomorrow. Four Months! I honestly do not know where the time has gone, but here we are. A third of the first year of her life has passed. During these past sixteen weeks so many things have happened. Many of these I expected and have been the same as they were for my boys; sleepless nights, the first smile, the first giggle, baby spew and baby poo. There have however been some things I didn't expect.
One of these starts off with a little old lady on a cold winter morning. (Exactly how all stories start off right?!) Piper would have been about six weeks old and myself, Dear Hubby and Masters 6 and 3 were all at our local car boot sale. The first day of winter hadn't happened yet but it was definitely cool, especially for us here who are used to more sunshine and warmth. Miss P was dressed in layers of course including a singlet and full suit with feet and hands covered. She was also wrapped up in a blanket in the pram.
Fast forward about half an hour and Miss P has decided she no longer deems the pram an acceptable means of transportation and demands to be carried in the arms of one of her adult slaves. Enter stage right, Daddio. Dear Husband picks her up and has her semi wrapped in her blanket nestled in his arms surrounded by his lovely polar fleece jacket. Enter stage left, above mentioned little old lady who kindly says 'Isn't she cold? Look at her little head. She really should have a beanie on.' At the time both myself and hubby smile and converse with said woman and explain how she had only recently been in the warmth and comfort of now empty pram and that she was just fine.
Before losing Annabelle that would be the end of the story and you would all be left with a very anti-climatic blog and wondering why I had bothered to write about that at all. However, since the loss of my first daughter, this story is not yet over.
Now after we all moved away from the over caring elderly stranger, hubby looked at me and said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about her. She is just trying to be helpful. Piper is fine but her head is cold so maybe a beanie would be a good idea to add to the nappy bag.' I agreed and realised that after having two boys both born in summer, having a winter baby involved a lot more clothes and an immense amount of laundry. I continued browsing the car boot sale and tried to shake the comments off.
Two hours later and we arrived home with some bargain finds. This is where I lose the plot. I look at my hubby (who by the way knew something was bothering me even when I failed to notice myself), and tell him I need to be alone. I go into my room shut the door and proceed to cry. Why? Because of that little old lady! Her comment had struck a nerve and I couldn't get past it. How dare she comment on how I dressed Piper or insist that she must be cold! Didn't she know I wouldn't have brought her out if I had thought any harm could come to her from the weather? She should keep her stupid beanie opinions to herself. I am happy to say that after some reassurance from hubby and some time alone my psychotic self left and things seemed to be fine.
It wasn't until over a month later while driving the car to somewhere, (probably to get groceries or collect a child from school), I realised why that comment had set me off as it did. It wasn't that the comment was information I didn't need (as so much is when you are a parent to a newborn), no it was that at the core her simply mentioning that I could have been placing my child in harm's way immediately made my mind go past GO without collecting two hundred dollars and straight into the thought of DEATH. Why would you say that? Don't you know I have had a baby die. I would never ever do anything to my child that would cause them to die. Yup, no beanie when it is cold outside immediately felt like Piper might die from my negligence. Something tells me if I googled 'death by no beanie', Google would actually laugh at me.
After having this epiphany I then realised how silly I had been. However, in the moment my anger and sadness was real. All of it triggered by an innocent comment from a stranger. Of course she didn't know about Annabelle and of course she was not even hinting at the fact that I was a bad parent or that I in fact would do anything to bring death upon Piper. It is feelings like these that just hit you out of the blue after a loss. One moment everything is great and then BANG! a comment about a beanie from an old lady at a market and your entire day is ruined.
In these moments it is made crystal clear that grief is a journey and death and the loss of a child is something you never ever 'get over'. You learn to live and cope but you never forget. Since then I now try to take every comment (especially those from elderly beanie loving ladies) with a grain of salt and remind myself as often as I can that I am an awesome Mother and Piper is loved and cared for regardless of what items of clothing she may or may not have on.
