Mother's Day 2016

This Mother's Day I would like to share one of my favourite quotes.  This is something we all need to remember.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Yesterday I got to spend the majority of my day surrounded by a room full of beautiful and corageous women.  What we all had in common was that we have lost at least one child.  Although it was raining the day was perfect and we were all able to come together and connect.

Many of you may not be aware but the Sunday before Mother's Day is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  A special day to allow all bereaved Mothers to be recognised and celebrated for what they are, Mothers.

I was lucky enough to be asked to speak at our High Tea yesterday and after the positive reaction I received yesterday I felt that I needed to share what I said with all of you as well.  Enjoy!

The Group No One Wants to Belong To

I grew up in Arizona and in my Senior year of high school we lived in Yuma, the winter lettuce capital of America. As you can imagine it was a very agricultural focused town.

Of all the groups and organisations I had been or wanted to be a part of up to this point there was no group I wanted into more than the FFA. This was the Future Farmers of America program that runs in both middle and high schools throughout the US. Now you may wonder why I wanted to be part of this group. Was it the hot guys? No, although there were those and they made cowboy boots look good. Was it the extra-curricular activities or the friends I would make? Nope. The life lessons I could learn? No. It was the navy blue corduroy jacket I would get.

That's right when you become part of the FFA you receive the blue jacket with your name embroidered on the front. I wanted, no needed, one of those jackets.

I am happy and proud to share that I got the blue jacket. I still have it. I cannot bear to part with it as it represents such an amazing time in my life and one that did provide me with more than just a very cool jacket.

Just over two years ago I became a member of another group.

Since I joined I have made amazing friends, met some incredibly strong women and grown within myself. I have also become more compassionate and gained a second family. Not only that, but by being a member of this group I have had the opportunity to help others.

Sounds like an amazing group doesn't it? I am sure that if this group advertised all of these benefits of membership at least a few of you would consider joining. Who wouldn't?! Nobody. None of us would if we knew the full magnitude of this group.

In order to be in this group your baby has to die. This is the group of bereaved parents, and more specifically bereaved mothers.

Hi, my name is Kirsten and I am a bereaved Mum.

My first born daughter, Annabelle Grace, came into this world silently on April 4, 2014 at 4.38pm weighing 202 grams. She was only twenty weeks old. Her death shocked myself, my husband and our family to the core. It was not expected. She was alive and moving on the Friday and at the scan on Wednesday there was no heartbeat. I will never ever forget that moment for the rest of my life.

I am a member of the group no wants to be a member of. The group that none of us even knew existed until we were thrust into it with the force of being hit by a bus. That is thing with this group, we don't get to choose if we want to be part of it or not. It is chosen for us and then becomes part of lives until we take our last breath.

Being part of this group means that I am a different type of Mother. I am the mother who experienced the unimaginable and lives with a sliver of her heart forever missing. I am the Mother that for as long as I am alive will miss my daughter every day and know that things just aren't quite how they were supposed to be. I am the Mother who knows that although you see three children, I actually have four. I am the Mother who smiles when you hear my story and tells you 'its fine' and comforts you. I am the Mother that others don't know exists or choose to ignore.

If there is only one thing I have learned by being in this group, it is that we are all mothers. Regardless of whether the outside world can see children or not, we are mothers. We have created and carried life within us.

I firmly believe that our children chose us specifically because they knew how strong and amazing we are and that we would ensure they would never be forgotten.

I didn't receive a cool jacket when I became part of this group, but I have received so much more.

The greatest thing Annabelle gave me was the gift of being her Mum, a bereaved Mum. Through my grief I am able to love and live. There is no greater strength and nothing I am more proud to do.

You're Invited

For anyone local or close to Brisbane.  

This is a beautiful event and definitely one worth attending.

The Importance of Sharing

I have been attending an amazing support group since losing Annabelle. Now I know that support groups are not for everyone, and attending one can be like going on a blind date. However if you find the right one it can be like true love. This is certainly the case for me!

I have not only had amazing support throughout my journey but have made some incredible friends who I cannot imagine my life without.

Recently our group had the opportunity to share our stories with student midwives. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was when I heard about this.

Any chance I get to speak about Annabelle and share my story just makes me so happy. Probably nearly as happy as I was last week thinking about the copious amounts of chocolate I was going to consume on Easter Sunday.

I knew this night would be special, and I knew I would definitely have plenty to share, however what took me by surprise was how moving it was. Speaking to these lovely women brought out so much raw emotion. I have not cried over Annabelle that way in a long time. Nor had I really remembered her entire birth with such vivid images. It was truly beautiful. Being able to have these impassioned releases is incredibly important as I have just realised. Even nearly two years later. It is part of the journey and part of my healing.

I came home that night knowing that I needed to continue to blog and share my story with whoever wanted to listen. This isn't just because it is so important to educate women and to give other bereaved parents hope and support but because I need this just as much.

In just under a week, the 4^th of April will once again appear and it will have been two years since I gave birth to my precious first born daughter who will forever be still. There has been so much that has happened in that time frame, the biggest being our rainbow Piper. I cannot imagine life without her and I am so thankful for her, but of course there will always be part of me that wonders about Annabelle and what life would or could have been. For this reason if nothing else I need to continue to share my feelings and her story.

I am going to continue sharing stories that I hope will be enjoyed and bring you comfort, support or even just a brief moment of laughter. I also would love to be able to share and speak about topics that may be of interest to all of you out there who are reading this. Please leave a comment and let me know if there is something in particular you would like me to share my insight on.

I look forward to another year of sharing and another year of growing stronger through my grief.

Thank You

Let me be the first to say that I am not a blogger.  Nope.  Not in the least.  I do not update this blog at least three times a week as a good blogger should.  Heck, I haven't posted anything for seven months! I am a horrible blogger!  However, I can see that even with my inactivity my blog is still being viewed and seen worldwide.

Thank You

Thank you to those who keep coming back to see if my slack-ass has written anything new.  Thank you to those who have just found me.  Thank you to those who share this blog with their friends and family.

I got to be a part of something very special tonight that has shown me once again how very important it is for me to keep sharing my story.  I guess you could say my passion has been re-ignighted.

Keep your eyes on this space.  New things are coming and I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you.

Four Months

Hello to each and every one of you who have come across this blog post.  Whether you have been with me since the beginning of my journey, or have just stumbled across me today thank you for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts.  I haven't been the best blogger of late but I have a very cute excuse for that....

Piper, Annabelle's little sister, is four months old tomorrow.  Four Months!  I honestly do not know where the time has gone, but here we are.  A third of the first year of her life has passed.  During these past sixteen weeks so many things have happened.  Many of these I expected and have been the same as they were for my boys; sleepless nights, the first smile, the first giggle, baby spew and baby poo.  There have however been some things I didn't expect.

One of these starts off with a little old lady on a cold winter morning.  (Exactly how all stories start off right?!) Piper would have been about six weeks old and myself, Dear Hubby and Masters 6 and 3 were all at our local car boot sale.  The first day of winter hadn't happened yet but it was definitely cool, especially for us here who are used to more sunshine and warmth.  Miss P was dressed in layers of course including a singlet and full suit with feet and hands covered.  She was also wrapped up in a blanket in the pram.

Fast forward about half an hour and Miss P has decided she no longer deems the pram an acceptable means of transportation and demands to be carried in the arms of one of her adult slaves.  Enter stage right, Daddio.  Dear Husband picks her up and has her semi wrapped in her blanket nestled in his arms surrounded by his lovely polar fleece jacket.  Enter stage left, above mentioned little old lady who kindly says 'Isn't she cold?  Look at her little head.  She really should have a beanie on.'  At the time both myself and hubby smile and converse with said woman and explain how she had only recently been in the warmth and comfort of now empty pram and that she was just fine.

Before losing Annabelle that would be the end of the story and you would all be left with a very anti-climatic blog and wondering why I had bothered to write about that at all.  However, since the loss of my first daughter, this story is not yet over.

Now after we all moved away from the over caring elderly stranger, hubby looked at me and said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about her.  She is just trying to be helpful.  Piper is fine but her head is cold so maybe a beanie would be a good idea to add to the nappy bag.' I agreed and realised that after having two boys both born in summer, having a winter baby involved a lot more clothes and an immense amount of laundry.  I continued browsing the car boot sale and tried to shake the comments off.

Two hours later and we arrived home with some bargain finds. This is where I lose the plot.  I look at my hubby (who by the way knew something was bothering me even when I failed to notice myself), and tell him I need to be alone.  I go into my room shut the door and proceed to cry.  Why?  Because of that little old lady!  Her comment had struck a nerve and I couldn't get past it.  How dare she comment on how I dressed Piper or insist that she must be cold!  Didn't she know I wouldn't have brought her out if I had thought any harm could come to her from the weather?  She should keep her stupid beanie opinions to herself.  I am happy to say that after some reassurance from hubby and some time alone my psychotic self left and things seemed to be fine.

It wasn't until over a month later while driving the car to somewhere, (probably to get groceries or collect a child from school), I realised why that comment had set me off as it did.  It wasn't that the comment was information I didn't need (as so much is when you are a parent to a newborn), no it was that at the core her simply mentioning that I could have been placing my child in harm's way immediately made my mind go past GO without collecting two hundred dollars and straight into the thought of DEATH. Why would you say that? Don't you know I have had a baby die.  I would never ever do anything to my child that would cause them to die.  Yup, no beanie when it is cold outside immediately felt like Piper might die from my negligence.  Something tells me if I googled 'death by no beanie', Google would actually laugh at me.

After having this epiphany I then realised how silly I had been.  However, in the moment my anger and sadness was real.  All of it triggered by an innocent comment from a stranger.  Of course she didn't know about Annabelle and of course she was not even hinting at the fact that I was a bad parent or that I in fact would do anything to bring death upon Piper.  It is feelings like these that just hit you out of the blue after a loss.  One moment everything is great and then BANG! a comment about a beanie from an old lady at a market and your entire day is ruined.

In these moments it is made crystal clear that grief is a journey and death and the loss of a child is something you never ever 'get over'. You learn to live and cope but you never forget.  Since then I now try to take every comment (especially those from elderly beanie loving ladies) with a grain of salt and remind myself as often as I can that I am an awesome Mother and Piper is loved and cared for regardless of what items of clothing she may or may not have on.

Happy Four Months Piper and thank you Annabelle for looking down on your little sister and keeping her head warm when your Mother may have failed to pack the necessary head garment.

A Rainbow

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as Rainbow Babies.

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

Our rainbow arrived safely on April 17 at 11.02pm. Piper Leigh was a healthy 7lbs 11oz and 52cm long. She is a much loved and adored little girl and is a little sister for Annabelle as well as her two big brothers.

I have been wanting to write this blog post since the 17^th of April but finding the time with a newborn is challenging plus the added emotion connected to this part of Annabelle's story made the task more difficult than I expected.

Up until now, this blog has primarily been about my journey after losing Annabelle. It has been a way for me to not only heal but to use my grief for good; hopefully help and maybe even inspire others. With each post I found a way to connect to the little girl who was taken away from me too early.

Now I have another daughter. I always felt that once my rainbow baby arrived that would be the end of the story; I would have come full circle. In some ways it is, but I now feel very strongly that it is only the end to one book, not the entire story. Like Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga, my journey of life after stillbirth will be made up of several books. It isn't just one long story that ends with a happy ending. No, the grief for Annabelle will never go away and so because of that, the story will never end.

I can say that with the arrival of Piper there are many areas where it does feel as if the story could end. She has definitely helped heal our entire family. You can not only see this but it can be felt. The atmosphere in our home changed with Piper's arrival. Anxiety levels decreased and a feeling of completion crossed the threshold.

However, the arrival of a rainbow baby brings with it a new set of challenges. I personally think I underestimated exactly how emotional having Piper would be. At times my feelings have caught me off guard and I am not one who likes those sorts of surprises. I am not sure if it is because Piper is a girl, but the strongest feeling I had in the first few days after her birth was that I had been given a second chance. Not just a second chance to have another baby, but a second chance at a daughter; at having the little girl I had longed for.

With this second chance came pressure. The worst part was the pressure was internal. I didn't want to stuff up this second chance or do anything wrong. I couldn't possibly make a mistake as then I wouldn't be doing justice to Piper or her big sister. To honour Annabelle I had to be the best mother and do everything perfect for her little sister. If I failed in any way then in my mind I somehow wasn't doing justice for Annabelle. As I write this now I can see how crazy this sounds, but I have to tell you these feelings were so incredibly strong. How strong you ask? To the point where I cried because I had to put Piper down in her bassinet for all of two minutes so I could go to the toilet. Yup, that crazy!

As a rational person and a mother who has had newborns twice before, I knew I was being irrational. You clearly cannot hold your children 24 hours a day nor do you want to. I was of course not doing anything wrong by Piper or by Annabelle. In fact I was doing the right thing, but in that moment I felt guilty. That sums it up – GUILT. There has been guilt.

How was it that I was able to carry Piper to term and I couldn't for Annabelle? I know the answer to this question, and I know it has nothing to do with me but as a Mother we cannot help but blame ourselves. I felt guilty in those first few days after Piper came home for a multitude of reasons.

I felt like a cake of emotions. My cake had a layer of immense pressure, topped by one of guilt and then covered in a thick ganache of sadness. Yes I was sad. I wondered if Annabelle would have looked like Piper? Would they have shared any of the same characteristics? Would they have had similar mannerisms? I wont ever know and that is heartbreaking.

Now take this cake and add it to the emotional roller coaster you get to go on after giving birth and you can clearly see why the first two weeks of Piper's life I spent using a lot of tissues.

I am very happy to say that although there were a lot of tears, there was also immense pride and joy. If we hadn't of lost Annabelle, Piper wouldn't be with us today. I also believe that Annabelle played a part in making sure her little sister arrived safely.

Piper's safe arrival was also due to an incredible team at the hospital. I cannot thank or praise all of the staff that the Maternal Fetal Health Unit at GCUH. They go above and beyond for each of their patients and I feel honoured to have been one of them.

Stillbirth is part of my story and that will never change, but with the arrival of my rainbow it now hurts just a fraction less than it did before. I know that there will continue to be days where tears flow for Annabelle and that is okay. I am allowed to have those emotions and feel them. Piper may drive me crazy at times such as when she felt that she wanted to have a party at 3am in her cot and I am allowed to feel annoyed by this. I do not have to feel guilty. I am a wonderful mother and I love all four of my children. My emotions do not negate anything that has happened nor do they reflect negatively on Annabelle's story.

Annabelle my love for you hasn't changed and I know that you will be your sister's guardian angel from above.

Welcome to the world Piper Leigh – your story has just begun and I look forward to reading each chapter.