The Glad Game

When I was younger one of my favourite movies to watch was Disney's Pollyanna. My Mom reminded me of this the other day when she mentioned the 'Glad Game'. This was a game that Pollyanna used to play.

Recently I have been having a bit of a rough time. I have been more negative than usual and missing my little girl a lot too. I know these lows are all part of the grieving process, but sometimes you need something to snap you out of it. It isn’t' healthy to be unhappy and angry 24/7 and it really doesn't accomplish anything.

With this in mind, I thought about my own Glad Game. Below is a list of things that I am glad about. Being positive or glad about things in no way means that I am not sad or that I am trying to mask my sadness or despair. I am not trying to diminish those feelings. I am very much a person who allows myself to feel how I am feeling and I try not to chastise myself too much about any particular feeling. In saying this though, I am also a person who can quickly get herself into a downward spiral. That spiral can then turn cyclonic and bring others into it and I don't want to to do that. So without further delay, please see my Glad Game below.

- I am glad that Annabelle is not in pain, nor was she ever in any pain.

- I am glad that my gorgeous boys and hubby continue to speak of their sister/daughter

- I am glad when anyone speaks of Annabelle using her name.

- I am glad that I had such amazing medical care.

- I am glad that it isn't raining today.

- I am glad that my words from this blog are touching so many lives.

- I am glad that I have amazing friends who know the exact right thing to say at the right time.

- I am glad that I live in a country where I have access to great resources and medical care.

- I am glad that I got to hold my baby and I have pictures of her.

- I am glad that I can still have another baby.

- I am glad that I have an amazing supportive husband who is there for me and our family.

- I am glad that spring is just around the corner and with it new beginnings.

I could probably keep this list going but I think that is enough for now. It is funny how once you start thinking about positive things and writing them down they start to flow. I suggest to each of you who read this to try your own Glad Game. I have no doubt that you will find that even after only ten minutes you will find yourself in a better and happier place then you were previously.

I believe we all need to be reminded from time to time that life is not all bad and it is not something out to get us. It can certainly feel that way but by really focusing on the positive and the things you are glad about you might just find that you are able to see the rainbow first instead of the rain.

Nits

After five years, head lice finally snuck their way into our home a little over two weeks ago. It was Friday and a gorgeous day. I had plans. A bit of grocery shopping and then some cleaning and a bit of special one on one time with my little guy.

On the walk up to school with Tanner, who is in Prep, he starts ferociously scratching his head and tells me he thinks he has nits. I being ever optimistic tell him he probably just has some dry skin as this winter has been particularly dry for us. However, being the responsible parent I am I went ahead and checked his head, and there was not one but two little critters right there – taunting me. It was if they were waving a little insect leg at me saying 'Ha ha! forget your plans – we're here and it wont be easy to make us leave'.

So much for my peaceful day. No school meant I had both boys which was fine, but it did turn my shopping trip into utter chaos. Why did I choose this week to physically go to the grocery store, when for the past five weeks I had done it online? Why?! Then of course when we got home it was time to treat everyone's heads and then start the laundry. Now, I complain about laundry on a regular basis and have been known on occasion to see the benefit in being a nudist. However, laundry after the detection of head lice is just insane. I had so much if you had looked in the laundry room you would have just thought it was a room that's only purpose was to hold heaps of stuff.  There was no washing machine to be seen through the mountainous piles of washing.  I believe all up that weekend I did something like 15 loads.

I am happy to report though that the lice have gone and so far so good. I also have an extremely clean house and nearly every piece of linen we own has been washed, dried and put away.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have chosen to blog about this. Really, who wants to hear about my first world problem of nits? Well, a funny thing happened during that crazy Friday. It was the first time since having Annabelle that I was happy she had died. Okay, that sounds horrible. How do I explain it?

I was so happy she would never ever get nits. I was happy I wasn't having to worry about her hair too and having to treat her. It was the first time that an event had occurred since her birth where my first thought wasn't sadness but actually one of happiness.

Don't get me wrong, if someone came to me today and told me I could have her back but she would get Nits I would take her in a heartbeat! When I realised though that I had this happy thought it made me stop and think for just a moment. It was a nice change to have a happy thought first before a sad one. I know there will be more sad moments but for right now I am taking this happiness as it is much nicer to be happy when I think of my little girl then to be sad.

Manual for Grief

I have been quiet on the blog for the last ten days or so and I apologise for that. I hit a bit of a bumpy patch with my journey and just needed time to reflect and curl up in my safe little ball.

My most recent insight into this journey is that my mourning and grief like to take over at the worst times. They come out and grab me and I can't get free. I can't even shove them in a box and pretend they aren't there. No. They are here and I need to deal with them. I am happy to say that I allowed myself to feel, do and grieve as I needed during this time and for that I not only feel better but also stronger. I am back and so very ready to continue to blog and share my story with you.

I actually Googled 'How to handle grief around your due date'. Yes, I actually looked it up. If you're wondering - there was no guide book or step by step. Bummer.

When you have your first baby you realise that there is no manual no matter how much you need one! You can take advice and look up things online but in the end you have to simply learn as you go through the experience of raising that child.

It turns out that grief is very similar. There is no manual for grief. Again, bummer. No two people grieve the same, not even if it is over the same situation.

It is 16 days until my due date for Annabelle. I know that in reality the odds of her arriving on that day were very slim. She may have come a bit early or maybe a few days later. Who knows. In any case this is proving to be more difficult than I had first thought.

I always knew as the due date got closer it would be more emotional, but it has really blindsided me. So many thoughts are rushing around in my head such as 'I would have been massive and waddling around by now', 'I should have been on maternity leave.', 'We would have the baby capsule installed in the car and the boys in their new seats', 'I would have been busy washing all those pink clothes and nesting.'. Ugh! Up until now losing Annabelle has been hard, but as she wasn't technically supposed to be here yet it has been a bit easier. Once the 20^th of August comes and goes I will know that she should have been here. That is when for me it will really feel as if someone is missing from our family. A little someone I wanted so badly. I also know that I need to have the due date come and go as a sort of closure too. As much as I would love to wake with amnesia over her due date I can't.

All I can do now is learn and deal with my grief as I move forward. Actually, it isn't moving forward, or letting go or any other cliché you may hear. What I am doing is learning to continue to live with loss. Live with my grief. Live with this new normal. Life is what keeps going and moving forward. I have to choose to live or I will die too. And frankly I am not ready for that.

So back to that manual. Since there is nothing I can check out from the Library or download off the Internet, I am just going to have to do what feels right for me and see how it works. I am sure as the years go on there will be tweaks and adjustments just as there are with the raising of my two boys.

If anyone else out there has dealt with their due date let me know what you did and what helped or worked for you. If you haven't had the due date yet feel free to take any information you can from me. Maybe I can help you. Maybe not. We are all so different and yet bound together via the loss of our children.

So far my plans to help me deal with this date and the pain and loss associated are to continue to see my counsellor, surround myself with friends and family and probably take the day off of work – just in case. Once this goes that will be it. This is in some ways the final chapter of Annabelle's book. The next major date will be her birthday and that is something I plan to celebrate.