Manual for Grief

I have been quiet on the blog for the last ten days or so and I apologise for that. I hit a bit of a bumpy patch with my journey and just needed time to reflect and curl up in my safe little ball.

My most recent insight into this journey is that my mourning and grief like to take over at the worst times. They come out and grab me and I can't get free. I can't even shove them in a box and pretend they aren't there. No. They are here and I need to deal with them. I am happy to say that I allowed myself to feel, do and grieve as I needed during this time and for that I not only feel better but also stronger. I am back and so very ready to continue to blog and share my story with you.

I actually Googled 'How to handle grief around your due date'. Yes, I actually looked it up. If you're wondering - there was no guide book or step by step. Bummer.

When you have your first baby you realise that there is no manual no matter how much you need one! You can take advice and look up things online but in the end you have to simply learn as you go through the experience of raising that child.

It turns out that grief is very similar. There is no manual for grief. Again, bummer. No two people grieve the same, not even if it is over the same situation.

It is 16 days until my due date for Annabelle. I know that in reality the odds of her arriving on that day were very slim. She may have come a bit early or maybe a few days later. Who knows. In any case this is proving to be more difficult than I had first thought.

I always knew as the due date got closer it would be more emotional, but it has really blindsided me. So many thoughts are rushing around in my head such as 'I would have been massive and waddling around by now', 'I should have been on maternity leave.', 'We would have the baby capsule installed in the car and the boys in their new seats', 'I would have been busy washing all those pink clothes and nesting.'. Ugh! Up until now losing Annabelle has been hard, but as she wasn't technically supposed to be here yet it has been a bit easier. Once the 20^th of August comes and goes I will know that she should have been here. That is when for me it will really feel as if someone is missing from our family. A little someone I wanted so badly. I also know that I need to have the due date come and go as a sort of closure too. As much as I would love to wake with amnesia over her due date I can't.

All I can do now is learn and deal with my grief as I move forward. Actually, it isn't moving forward, or letting go or any other cliché you may hear. What I am doing is learning to continue to live with loss. Live with my grief. Live with this new normal. Life is what keeps going and moving forward. I have to choose to live or I will die too. And frankly I am not ready for that.

So back to that manual. Since there is nothing I can check out from the Library or download off the Internet, I am just going to have to do what feels right for me and see how it works. I am sure as the years go on there will be tweaks and adjustments just as there are with the raising of my two boys.

If anyone else out there has dealt with their due date let me know what you did and what helped or worked for you. If you haven't had the due date yet feel free to take any information you can from me. Maybe I can help you. Maybe not. We are all so different and yet bound together via the loss of our children.

So far my plans to help me deal with this date and the pain and loss associated are to continue to see my counsellor, surround myself with friends and family and probably take the day off of work – just in case. Once this goes that will be it. This is in some ways the final chapter of Annabelle's book. The next major date will be her birthday and that is something I plan to celebrate.