Four Months

Hello to each and every one of you who have come across this blog post.  Whether you have been with me since the beginning of my journey, or have just stumbled across me today thank you for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts.  I haven't been the best blogger of late but I have a very cute excuse for that....

Piper, Annabelle's little sister, is four months old tomorrow.  Four Months!  I honestly do not know where the time has gone, but here we are.  A third of the first year of her life has passed.  During these past sixteen weeks so many things have happened.  Many of these I expected and have been the same as they were for my boys; sleepless nights, the first smile, the first giggle, baby spew and baby poo.  There have however been some things I didn't expect.

One of these starts off with a little old lady on a cold winter morning.  (Exactly how all stories start off right?!) Piper would have been about six weeks old and myself, Dear Hubby and Masters 6 and 3 were all at our local car boot sale.  The first day of winter hadn't happened yet but it was definitely cool, especially for us here who are used to more sunshine and warmth.  Miss P was dressed in layers of course including a singlet and full suit with feet and hands covered.  She was also wrapped up in a blanket in the pram.

Fast forward about half an hour and Miss P has decided she no longer deems the pram an acceptable means of transportation and demands to be carried in the arms of one of her adult slaves.  Enter stage right, Daddio.  Dear Husband picks her up and has her semi wrapped in her blanket nestled in his arms surrounded by his lovely polar fleece jacket.  Enter stage left, above mentioned little old lady who kindly says 'Isn't she cold?  Look at her little head.  She really should have a beanie on.'  At the time both myself and hubby smile and converse with said woman and explain how she had only recently been in the warmth and comfort of now empty pram and that she was just fine.

Before losing Annabelle that would be the end of the story and you would all be left with a very anti-climatic blog and wondering why I had bothered to write about that at all.  However, since the loss of my first daughter, this story is not yet over.

Now after we all moved away from the over caring elderly stranger, hubby looked at me and said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about her.  She is just trying to be helpful.  Piper is fine but her head is cold so maybe a beanie would be a good idea to add to the nappy bag.' I agreed and realised that after having two boys both born in summer, having a winter baby involved a lot more clothes and an immense amount of laundry.  I continued browsing the car boot sale and tried to shake the comments off.

Two hours later and we arrived home with some bargain finds. This is where I lose the plot.  I look at my hubby (who by the way knew something was bothering me even when I failed to notice myself), and tell him I need to be alone.  I go into my room shut the door and proceed to cry.  Why?  Because of that little old lady!  Her comment had struck a nerve and I couldn't get past it.  How dare she comment on how I dressed Piper or insist that she must be cold!  Didn't she know I wouldn't have brought her out if I had thought any harm could come to her from the weather?  She should keep her stupid beanie opinions to herself.  I am happy to say that after some reassurance from hubby and some time alone my psychotic self left and things seemed to be fine.

It wasn't until over a month later while driving the car to somewhere, (probably to get groceries or collect a child from school), I realised why that comment had set me off as it did.  It wasn't that the comment was information I didn't need (as so much is when you are a parent to a newborn), no it was that at the core her simply mentioning that I could have been placing my child in harm's way immediately made my mind go past GO without collecting two hundred dollars and straight into the thought of DEATH. Why would you say that? Don't you know I have had a baby die.  I would never ever do anything to my child that would cause them to die.  Yup, no beanie when it is cold outside immediately felt like Piper might die from my negligence.  Something tells me if I googled 'death by no beanie', Google would actually laugh at me.

After having this epiphany I then realised how silly I had been.  However, in the moment my anger and sadness was real.  All of it triggered by an innocent comment from a stranger.  Of course she didn't know about Annabelle and of course she was not even hinting at the fact that I was a bad parent or that I in fact would do anything to bring death upon Piper.  It is feelings like these that just hit you out of the blue after a loss.  One moment everything is great and then BANG! a comment about a beanie from an old lady at a market and your entire day is ruined.

In these moments it is made crystal clear that grief is a journey and death and the loss of a child is something you never ever 'get over'. You learn to live and cope but you never forget.  Since then I now try to take every comment (especially those from elderly beanie loving ladies) with a grain of salt and remind myself as often as I can that I am an awesome Mother and Piper is loved and cared for regardless of what items of clothing she may or may not have on.

Happy Four Months Piper and thank you Annabelle for looking down on your little sister and keeping her head warm when your Mother may have failed to pack the necessary head garment.

A Rainbow

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as Rainbow Babies.

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

Our rainbow arrived safely on April 17 at 11.02pm. Piper Leigh was a healthy 7lbs 11oz and 52cm long. She is a much loved and adored little girl and is a little sister for Annabelle as well as her two big brothers.

I have been wanting to write this blog post since the 17^th of April but finding the time with a newborn is challenging plus the added emotion connected to this part of Annabelle's story made the task more difficult than I expected.

Up until now, this blog has primarily been about my journey after losing Annabelle. It has been a way for me to not only heal but to use my grief for good; hopefully help and maybe even inspire others. With each post I found a way to connect to the little girl who was taken away from me too early.

Now I have another daughter. I always felt that once my rainbow baby arrived that would be the end of the story; I would have come full circle. In some ways it is, but I now feel very strongly that it is only the end to one book, not the entire story. Like Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga, my journey of life after stillbirth will be made up of several books. It isn't just one long story that ends with a happy ending. No, the grief for Annabelle will never go away and so because of that, the story will never end.

I can say that with the arrival of Piper there are many areas where it does feel as if the story could end. She has definitely helped heal our entire family. You can not only see this but it can be felt. The atmosphere in our home changed with Piper's arrival. Anxiety levels decreased and a feeling of completion crossed the threshold.

However, the arrival of a rainbow baby brings with it a new set of challenges. I personally think I underestimated exactly how emotional having Piper would be. At times my feelings have caught me off guard and I am not one who likes those sorts of surprises. I am not sure if it is because Piper is a girl, but the strongest feeling I had in the first few days after her birth was that I had been given a second chance. Not just a second chance to have another baby, but a second chance at a daughter; at having the little girl I had longed for.

With this second chance came pressure. The worst part was the pressure was internal. I didn't want to stuff up this second chance or do anything wrong. I couldn't possibly make a mistake as then I wouldn't be doing justice to Piper or her big sister. To honour Annabelle I had to be the best mother and do everything perfect for her little sister. If I failed in any way then in my mind I somehow wasn't doing justice for Annabelle. As I write this now I can see how crazy this sounds, but I have to tell you these feelings were so incredibly strong. How strong you ask? To the point where I cried because I had to put Piper down in her bassinet for all of two minutes so I could go to the toilet. Yup, that crazy!

As a rational person and a mother who has had newborns twice before, I knew I was being irrational. You clearly cannot hold your children 24 hours a day nor do you want to. I was of course not doing anything wrong by Piper or by Annabelle. In fact I was doing the right thing, but in that moment I felt guilty. That sums it up – GUILT. There has been guilt.

How was it that I was able to carry Piper to term and I couldn't for Annabelle? I know the answer to this question, and I know it has nothing to do with me but as a Mother we cannot help but blame ourselves. I felt guilty in those first few days after Piper came home for a multitude of reasons.

I felt like a cake of emotions. My cake had a layer of immense pressure, topped by one of guilt and then covered in a thick ganache of sadness. Yes I was sad. I wondered if Annabelle would have looked like Piper? Would they have shared any of the same characteristics? Would they have had similar mannerisms? I wont ever know and that is heartbreaking.

Now take this cake and add it to the emotional roller coaster you get to go on after giving birth and you can clearly see why the first two weeks of Piper's life I spent using a lot of tissues.

I am very happy to say that although there were a lot of tears, there was also immense pride and joy. If we hadn't of lost Annabelle, Piper wouldn't be with us today. I also believe that Annabelle played a part in making sure her little sister arrived safely.

Piper's safe arrival was also due to an incredible team at the hospital. I cannot thank or praise all of the staff that the Maternal Fetal Health Unit at GCUH. They go above and beyond for each of their patients and I feel honoured to have been one of them.

Stillbirth is part of my story and that will never change, but with the arrival of my rainbow it now hurts just a fraction less than it did before. I know that there will continue to be days where tears flow for Annabelle and that is okay. I am allowed to have those emotions and feel them. Piper may drive me crazy at times such as when she felt that she wanted to have a party at 3am in her cot and I am allowed to feel annoyed by this. I do not have to feel guilty. I am a wonderful mother and I love all four of my children. My emotions do not negate anything that has happened nor do they reflect negatively on Annabelle's story.

Annabelle my love for you hasn't changed and I know that you will be your sister's guardian angel from above.

Welcome to the world Piper Leigh – your story has just begun and I look forward to reading each chapter.

One Year

One Year.  Twelve Months.  52 Weeks. 365 Days.  Here I am.  I am a survivor.

In those first few days and weeks after Annabelle's birth I really didn't know how I would survive and make it month and after month without her.  Life had changed and I felt lost and empty.

There are times when things still feel somewhat empty.  A piece of our family puzzle is missing and always will be, but we always remember her.  To quote the most recent movie I have seen at the theatre, The Book of Life - 'If you always remember them they are never forgotten.'

Just as we are all different, so is how we cope with our grief and loss.  For myself and our family it felt right to make a place with our family photos for Annabelle's photos and keepsakes.  Our boys each have a shelf and she does as well.  When we talk about her we always use her name.  That may not work for everyone but it works for us.

To be honest we don't speak of her everyday.  We currently have a six year old and a three year old that keep us really busy plus our rainbow baby who is due in less than three weeks.  Life gets crazy and with the two boys most conversation in our house revolves around superheroes, bums and bodily functions.  I do however think of Annabelle everyday; somedays more than others.

I wasn't sure what the one year anniversary would be.  To be quite honest I wasn't sure how to refer to today.  Is it her Birthday?  Her Angelversary?  An anniversary?  I am now set on the fact that April 4 will always be her birthday.  Although born sleeping, she was still born and I gave birth to her.  Those memories are still very vivid, so yes, today is Annabelle's birthday.

It is my daughter's birthday and instead of being manic rushing around my house making last minute preparations for a big party, I am sitting here in my pyjamas blogging.  It has taken me until about ten minutes ago to decide exactly what sort of cake I was going to make.  You see I promised her when I held her for those five precious hours that I would make her a very pink cake each year on her birthday.

Today I will bake my daughter's cake and this afternoon we will take it down to where most of her ashes are scattered and remember.  We are also going to do a belly photo shoot at the same.  In some ways expecting Annabelle's little brother or sister in just a few weeks feels as if we have come full circle.  It is bitter sweet.  I cannot wait to meet this little person but I am still sad that I will never know who Annabelle would have been or what colour eyes she would have had.  All the dreams you have for your children start at conception and losing those is very hard.

I am happy to say that one year on most days for me are good ones.  Losing Annabelle is and will probably always be the worst day of my life.  The loss of a child no matter how old is not how the world is supposed to work and a sliver of your heart goes with them.  It changes you.  That is a fact.  However, losing my daughter has also blessed my life in  many ways.  I have met some amazing women and I am now happy to call them my friends.  I appreciate life more than I did before and hubby and I are closer.  I have this blog and I have been able to share my journey with the world and heal at the same time.

It has been one year since I held Annabelle for the first and last time.  One year since I met my daughter and had to say goodbye all within the space of five hours.  One year since I became a mother to three.  Yes, a lot has happened in one year.  I am now a bereaved mother and can recommend a funeral home if someone needs one.  Not things I want to be or have knowledge of but I do.  This is my new normal.  My new life.

The next year is full to bring lots of emotions.  We will have a new baby, our fourth child.  Life will get even more hectic and I will live another year of my life without Annabelle.  I like to think that each year will get just a bit easier but only time will tell.  For now I am focused on the positives and the one thing that will never change - I am a MOTHER; Annabelle's Mum.

Happy Birthday Annabelle Grace.  Mummy, Daddy, Tanner & Archer love you and always will. xx