One Year

One Year.  Twelve Months.  52 Weeks. 365 Days.  Here I am.  I am a survivor.

In those first few days and weeks after Annabelle's birth I really didn't know how I would survive and make it month and after month without her.  Life had changed and I felt lost and empty.

There are times when things still feel somewhat empty.  A piece of our family puzzle is missing and always will be, but we always remember her.  To quote the most recent movie I have seen at the theatre, The Book of Life - 'If you always remember them they are never forgotten.'

Just as we are all different, so is how we cope with our grief and loss.  For myself and our family it felt right to make a place with our family photos for Annabelle's photos and keepsakes.  Our boys each have a shelf and she does as well.  When we talk about her we always use her name.  That may not work for everyone but it works for us.

To be honest we don't speak of her everyday.  We currently have a six year old and a three year old that keep us really busy plus our rainbow baby who is due in less than three weeks.  Life gets crazy and with the two boys most conversation in our house revolves around superheroes, bums and bodily functions.  I do however think of Annabelle everyday; somedays more than others.

I wasn't sure what the one year anniversary would be.  To be quite honest I wasn't sure how to refer to today.  Is it her Birthday?  Her Angelversary?  An anniversary?  I am now set on the fact that April 4 will always be her birthday.  Although born sleeping, she was still born and I gave birth to her.  Those memories are still very vivid, so yes, today is Annabelle's birthday.

It is my daughter's birthday and instead of being manic rushing around my house making last minute preparations for a big party, I am sitting here in my pyjamas blogging.  It has taken me until about ten minutes ago to decide exactly what sort of cake I was going to make.  You see I promised her when I held her for those five precious hours that I would make her a very pink cake each year on her birthday.

Today I will bake my daughter's cake and this afternoon we will take it down to where most of her ashes are scattered and remember.  We are also going to do a belly photo shoot at the same.  In some ways expecting Annabelle's little brother or sister in just a few weeks feels as if we have come full circle.  It is bitter sweet.  I cannot wait to meet this little person but I am still sad that I will never know who Annabelle would have been or what colour eyes she would have had.  All the dreams you have for your children start at conception and losing those is very hard.

I am happy to say that one year on most days for me are good ones.  Losing Annabelle is and will probably always be the worst day of my life.  The loss of a child no matter how old is not how the world is supposed to work and a sliver of your heart goes with them.  It changes you.  That is a fact.  However, losing my daughter has also blessed my life in  many ways.  I have met some amazing women and I am now happy to call them my friends.  I appreciate life more than I did before and hubby and I are closer.  I have this blog and I have been able to share my journey with the world and heal at the same time.

It has been one year since I held Annabelle for the first and last time.  One year since I met my daughter and had to say goodbye all within the space of five hours.  One year since I became a mother to three.  Yes, a lot has happened in one year.  I am now a bereaved mother and can recommend a funeral home if someone needs one.  Not things I want to be or have knowledge of but I do.  This is my new normal.  My new life.

The next year is full to bring lots of emotions.  We will have a new baby, our fourth child.  Life will get even more hectic and I will live another year of my life without Annabelle.  I like to think that each year will get just a bit easier but only time will tell.  For now I am focused on the positives and the one thing that will never change - I am a MOTHER; Annabelle's Mum.

Happy Birthday Annabelle Grace.  Mummy, Daddy, Tanner & Archer love you and always will. xx