Trying Again

From the moment I had Annabelle I knew that she would not be my last baby. As long as we were able to have another, then we would. I couldn't let this experience be my last in a birth suite. I needed to be able to take home a live baby. Even hubby felt the same; we both knew Annabelle would not be our last.

And so here we are, thirteen weeks after her arrival, trying again. It has a different feel to it as compared to our first three. Somehow there is more pressure associated this time. Pressure not only to conceive but to ensure this baby survives. Sure the odds of another virus attacking my placenta are extremely rare, but what about all those other things I now know about. Oh, Dr Google, how I loathe you.

On one hand knowing the risks and possible outcomes is good. At least, if heaven forbid, someething happened again I would be somewhat prepared and not so blindsided as I was with Annabelle. I feel that some knowledge is power. However, too much of it can be bad. And couple this with an over active brain that comes up with the worst possible scenarios and morbid thoughts and you get crazy me! Not exactly the best combination when you are trying to conceive your rainbow baby but I won't let this stop me.

I have never wanted a baby as bad as I do now which doesn't help with the stress and pressure. I am going to try and relax and let things fall into place. Hopefully we will be blessed sooner rather than later. I know Annabelle will be happy to know we are going to give her a little brother or sister and so I am jumping on this new emotional roller coaster with my eyes open wide.   As per normal some days will be harder than others and I will be right here blogging about them and this next step in my journey.

Life Lessons

As Annabelle's due date approaches I have noticed my emotions rising up to the surface a bit more often. I have been aware this would probably occur and so have not been completely shocked by their arrival. I do however wish they would stay away.

My grief is not gone by any means and it will live with me permanently. I find that most days are good days and the sadness and accompanying thoughts are minute. However, in the past 7 days I have had two very sad, and as I call them, 'off' days. These are the days where any little thing can set me off or start the flow of tears. It doesn't have to be anything sad or baby / pregnancy related either. Yesterday it was if I should buy my child a $10 toy and the week before it was a good friend not being able to catch up with me. Go figure.

To try and keep things in perspective I have a quote that sits firmly implanted in my mind that I like to recite often.

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."

This is from Regina Brett's Life Lessons. I first came across it about a year ago when a co-worker placed it in the staff toilets of all places. This is only one of the fifty mantras she has written down and all of them have helped me in one way or another. I find reading them very calming and uplifting and thought I would share them here with you.

This particular mantra rings true with me and it helps me remember that everything is not as bad as it seems. Yes, losing my child was devastating and maybe I would trade that over something else, but then NO I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade it as that would mean losing Annabelle completely. She is my daughter and she is continuing to teach me things and bless my life in ways I never imagined. If I swapped my loss for something else, it wouldn't really fix anything. Sure, I wouldn't have the loss but what would I have? Without the loss I don't have Annabelle. I don't have this blog and I haven't gotten to meet all of the wonderful and amazing people I have come in contact with in the last ten weeks.

As much as I wish this wouldn't have happened, it did and in some ways I feel blessed. My circle of friends has now increased and I have learned the true value of life amongst many other things. These are gifts Annabelle has given me; I will not trade them.

Please feel free to share your favourite mantra from the list. I would love to know if any make an impact in your life as they have in mine.

Two Heads – why do you look at me like that when I talk about my child?

When I speak about Annabelle or use her name in conversation I swear people, (family and close friends excluded), look at me as if I have two heads. No, I am not crazy and yes, I am talking about my stillborn child.

I do not talk about Annabelle to make anyone uncomfortable. As a matter of fact I hope that by talking about her and stillbirth the subject will become less taboo and therefore no need to make you squirm or regret asking me how many children I have.

I do not talk about Annabelle to gain sympathy. I know that you feel bad for me and I appreciate that. Yes, it sucks and it is not fair, but its the hand I was dealt.

I do not talk about Annabelle to seek attention. I am not trying to weave my daughter into each conversation so that I will then become the focus. No, I just want to talk as I have something to contribute.

I do not talk about Annabelle to scare you. I would hate to think that I have scared anyone when I tell my story or speak of my baby. I want people to have resources available to them to learn about stillbirth and have the knowledge as it is power. 

For those of us who have lost our babies, regardless of how, we are not crazy. We are parents and we love our children and are proud of them. You will not understand that unless you have walked in our shoes, but please do not treat us like a crazy two-headed monster. 

We just want to be able to share our stories and our babies with you, just like any other mother would. We want you to meet our children and recognise them as part of our family. We want to remember. If we quit talking about and sharing our babies then what happens? Who will remember them? When a life is gone only memories survive, and in the case of death before birth your memories are few. If we have to live in a society where a woman cannot even share memories about her dead child, then what is the point? A woman with a dead baby already feels isolated, there is no need to force her to the corner of the room and make her ignore the elephant. That elephant has a name and it was here, even if briefly.

It is time to celebrate each life and the women who bring them into this world. Hug them, converse with them and never be afraid to mention their child by name because remembering is the biggest gift you can give.