I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle.
When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what
support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12
weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been
something wrong' reason.
I
have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again
I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but
couldn't do much beyond that.
It
wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the
gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I
won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each
story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did
before. My empathy has increased.
Losing
a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to
somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not
just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is
grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough
for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You
may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to
deliver them their child.
As
a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have
children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can
grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make
it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and
bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up
wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion
over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we
knew we would be mothers.
When
your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your
grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a
baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go
wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we
will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their
40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and
no reason why we couldn't have babies.
Through
my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them
not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite
lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple
and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just
the dumb virus that stuffed things up!
I
knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this
many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure
why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and
still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself.
I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to
conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help
conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and
it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it
would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to
the moon.
I
now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have
found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss
or just desperately wanting to start that family.
With
my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of
others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did
want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey.
B. R.
K. M.
M. G.
M. B.
If
I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead
I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand
them and above all else, just be there.
As
women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before
we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant
loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and
fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing,
strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as
'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view
ourselves.
