Grieving and Conceiving

I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle. When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12 weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been something wrong' reason.

I have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but couldn't do much beyond that.

It wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did before. My empathy has increased.

Losing a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to deliver them their child.

As a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we knew we would be mothers.

When your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their 40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and no reason why we couldn't have babies.

Through my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just the dumb virus that stuffed things up!

I knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself. I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to the moon.

I now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss or just desperately wanting to start that family. 

With my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey. 

B. R.

K. M.

M. G.

M. B.

If I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand them and above all else, just be there.

As women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing, strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as 'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view ourselves.