A Rainbow

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as Rainbow Babies.

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

Our rainbow arrived safely on April 17 at 11.02pm. Piper Leigh was a healthy 7lbs 11oz and 52cm long. She is a much loved and adored little girl and is a little sister for Annabelle as well as her two big brothers.

I have been wanting to write this blog post since the 17^th of April but finding the time with a newborn is challenging plus the added emotion connected to this part of Annabelle's story made the task more difficult than I expected.

Up until now, this blog has primarily been about my journey after losing Annabelle. It has been a way for me to not only heal but to use my grief for good; hopefully help and maybe even inspire others. With each post I found a way to connect to the little girl who was taken away from me too early.

Now I have another daughter. I always felt that once my rainbow baby arrived that would be the end of the story; I would have come full circle. In some ways it is, but I now feel very strongly that it is only the end to one book, not the entire story. Like Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga, my journey of life after stillbirth will be made up of several books. It isn't just one long story that ends with a happy ending. No, the grief for Annabelle will never go away and so because of that, the story will never end.

I can say that with the arrival of Piper there are many areas where it does feel as if the story could end. She has definitely helped heal our entire family. You can not only see this but it can be felt. The atmosphere in our home changed with Piper's arrival. Anxiety levels decreased and a feeling of completion crossed the threshold.

However, the arrival of a rainbow baby brings with it a new set of challenges. I personally think I underestimated exactly how emotional having Piper would be. At times my feelings have caught me off guard and I am not one who likes those sorts of surprises. I am not sure if it is because Piper is a girl, but the strongest feeling I had in the first few days after her birth was that I had been given a second chance. Not just a second chance to have another baby, but a second chance at a daughter; at having the little girl I had longed for.

With this second chance came pressure. The worst part was the pressure was internal. I didn't want to stuff up this second chance or do anything wrong. I couldn't possibly make a mistake as then I wouldn't be doing justice to Piper or her big sister. To honour Annabelle I had to be the best mother and do everything perfect for her little sister. If I failed in any way then in my mind I somehow wasn't doing justice for Annabelle. As I write this now I can see how crazy this sounds, but I have to tell you these feelings were so incredibly strong. How strong you ask? To the point where I cried because I had to put Piper down in her bassinet for all of two minutes so I could go to the toilet. Yup, that crazy!

As a rational person and a mother who has had newborns twice before, I knew I was being irrational. You clearly cannot hold your children 24 hours a day nor do you want to. I was of course not doing anything wrong by Piper or by Annabelle. In fact I was doing the right thing, but in that moment I felt guilty. That sums it up – GUILT. There has been guilt.

How was it that I was able to carry Piper to term and I couldn't for Annabelle? I know the answer to this question, and I know it has nothing to do with me but as a Mother we cannot help but blame ourselves. I felt guilty in those first few days after Piper came home for a multitude of reasons.

I felt like a cake of emotions. My cake had a layer of immense pressure, topped by one of guilt and then covered in a thick ganache of sadness. Yes I was sad. I wondered if Annabelle would have looked like Piper? Would they have shared any of the same characteristics? Would they have had similar mannerisms? I wont ever know and that is heartbreaking.

Now take this cake and add it to the emotional roller coaster you get to go on after giving birth and you can clearly see why the first two weeks of Piper's life I spent using a lot of tissues.

I am very happy to say that although there were a lot of tears, there was also immense pride and joy. If we hadn't of lost Annabelle, Piper wouldn't be with us today. I also believe that Annabelle played a part in making sure her little sister arrived safely.

Piper's safe arrival was also due to an incredible team at the hospital. I cannot thank or praise all of the staff that the Maternal Fetal Health Unit at GCUH. They go above and beyond for each of their patients and I feel honoured to have been one of them.

Stillbirth is part of my story and that will never change, but with the arrival of my rainbow it now hurts just a fraction less than it did before. I know that there will continue to be days where tears flow for Annabelle and that is okay. I am allowed to have those emotions and feel them. Piper may drive me crazy at times such as when she felt that she wanted to have a party at 3am in her cot and I am allowed to feel annoyed by this. I do not have to feel guilty. I am a wonderful mother and I love all four of my children. My emotions do not negate anything that has happened nor do they reflect negatively on Annabelle's story.

Annabelle my love for you hasn't changed and I know that you will be your sister's guardian angel from above.

Welcome to the world Piper Leigh – your story has just begun and I look forward to reading each chapter.