Cake

I used to believe that cake made everything better. Being a baker and someone who truly appreciates carbs, sugar and butter this was my mantra. Had a bad day – eat a cupcake. Split up with your boyfriend – bake yourself a nice chocolate fudge cake and consume it all. Been up all night with a screaming child – whip up some icing and take pleasure in licking the beaters. Doing your household budget for the month – grab a slice of Red Velvet. Your child dies – nope; no cake is going to help that. It doesn't matter what I bake or create (and I have done heaps of baking since Annabelle's birth), nothing is going to make this better.

Cake wont make it better but for me it makes it a bit easier. While I bake my cake or any other delectable item my mind doesn't have time to let negativity or thoughts in unless they are related directly to my dish. Having that focus allows me to have time to myself in a fairly happy place. I also take great pride watching my creation be devoured by my boys both big and small. Watching the crumbs gather on my newly mopped floor on the other hand is a negative, but one I will just have to deal with.

For me my focus on baking isn't ignoring or forgetting Annabelle it is simply my way of not having the sad thoughts around for a bit. I don't need nor do I want every thought that comes into my mind to be sad.  I need to be happy.  I am allowed to be happy.  This sounds strange considering I am grieving my stillborn child but I can still be happy. I still laugh and joke. It does feel weird to be doing these 'normal' things when I feel anything but at times but I know it is permitted and it is healing.

For me above all else it is important that my grief does not overcome me as Annabelle wouldn't want that. She wouldn't want her Mum to cry every day or be unable to laugh or have good times. She wouldn't want her big brothers to suffer in any way because her Mummy & Daddy are grieving.  I wake up each morning saying hello to my little girl and I go to bed each night sending her sweet dreams. I allow myself to grieve in whatever fashion works for me on that day, on that week or in that moment. I will continue to bake and pass on my love for sweet treats to my children and yes, I will have cake. It may not make everything better but it isn't going to hurt.

For those who may now be craving some cake thanks to my post. I thought I would share one of my favourite and easy recipes. There is no need for fancy equipment for this one. Enjoy!

Easy Peasy Choclolate Fudge Cake - adapted from One Bowl Chocolate Cake

2 Cup caster sugar
1 3/4 Cup plain flour
3/4 Cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 Cup milk
1/2 Cup oil (Vegetable or Canola work best)
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 Cup boiling water

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C or 160 fan forced). Grease and flour two 9 inch round pans.
2. In a large bowl, combine first six ingredients.  Make a well in the centre and add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla. Beat for two minutes at medium speed.  (If you do not have electric beaters just mix it heaps!)  Gently site in boiling water.
3. Pour into two 9 inch pans. Bake at 350 degrees F (180 degrees C) for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes in the pan, then turn out onto a wire rack and continue cooling.

This recipe will also make 24 -30 cupcakes depending on the size and can also be used for one large cake as well.  No matter what sort of pan you use this cake will always make your heart happy!

Can be iced with anything you like, but my favourite for a total chocolate overload would be Magnolia Bakery's chocolate buttercream.  Link to recipe here. 

A Virus

Virus

noun

'an infective agent that typically consists of a nucleic acid molecule in a protein coat, is too small to be seen by light microscopy, and is able to multiply only within the living cells of a host.'

We come into contact with viruses every day of our lives. Most of the time they don't do too much. On occasion you get a whopper and you are stuck on your lounge with a nose that seems to be running a marathon and a body that feels as if you have been hitting the gym hard when in reality the only exercise you have done is lifting the TV remote. Viruses have also been know to cause the much debilitating MAN FLU.

As much as a virus is a pain we all recover normally within 7 – 10 days and go upon our lives.

A week ago the word virus entered my life again and this time its impact has lasting effects. We found out from the Doctors that Annabelle's little life was lost due to a virus. Unfortunately a virus attacked my placenta and that was that. When the placenta is compromised and cannot function then it cannot transfer nutrients to the baby.

I learned there are a few common viruses that can cause this sort of acute attack, however it wasn't one of those that invaded my body. No, of course not. My body had to come in contact with some obscure virus that for whatever reason my placenta couldn't fight. Lucky me.

Actually in some ways I am lucky. I am lucky that we received an answer. I am lucky because the odds of this happening again are extremely tiny. I am lucky because my little girl didn't suffer. I am lucky because I have an amazing medical team who have been with me every step of the way and have promised me that they will do everything in their power to ensure that I get to go home with my next baby. I am lucky because I am Annabelle's Mum.

With all this luck you would think then that I would be happy to have the answer and the closure that it brings with it. In some respects I am. It is probably one of the best outcomes we could have asked for. However, it doesn't make it any better. The one question that I really want answered is 'Why?' and I will never have that. That is the hardest part for me.

I miss Annabelle every moment of every day and I wish things could be different, but this is now my reality. Unfortunately I can't go back in time and change things as much as I want to. For me I just have to continue to go forward. It is not always easy to keep moving but unfortunately it is a fundamental part of life.

I want to continue to live for my children and my husband and I want to move forward as I want Annabelle to have a little brother or sister. So for now I will put one foot in front of the other and march on. I will continue to share my story in hope that I am helping and making a difference. I will continue to dislike viruses and do my best to not let them invade our lives; certainly never again to this magnitude.

Waiting

I hate waiting. There I said it; admitted it to the entire world. Don't get me wrong, hating it doesn't mean I don't do it. I do.

Nine weeks after Annabelle's birth we are still waiting for the 'big meeting' at the hospital with the doctors to discuss all of the test results. This meeting should have been two weeks ago but unfortunately not all results were back and so the wait continues.

Of everything I have ever had to wait for, this is by far the hardest.  Normally when you are waiting there is an end result and you know what you will receive or achieve once your time is up.  Not on this occasion. Once my wait is finally over I may be awarded with nothing – no resolution – no happy news  – no answers.  The idea that we could possibly never know why Annabelle died petrifies me.  I am someone who needs answers and needs to know 'why' to everything.  There needs to be a reason why my little girl is no longer here, and no, I don't think it has anything to do with my body only being able to grow boys so thank you to those who have so graciously tried to make me feel better by saying that.  In future just give me a hug and a chocolate bar.

I know that receiving no answers is a very real possibility as statistics show that one third of all stirbirths remain unexplained. With this in mind I have chosen to direct my focus to the information we need to obtain on how to proceed with the next baby. With all the fear and loss that swims around in me daily I am still very optimistic that we will have our rainbow baby. I have never before had such a strong desire to have a baby.   I am sure that sounds crazy to half the people out there but it is what I feel. For those who are wondering, yes I know the next baby wont replace Annabelle.  No one will replace her.  Annabelle will forever remain a part of our family; our firstborn daughter and third child.  Myself and my husband know that we want to continue to add to our family.  I never thought I would have anymore than three children, but clearly someone else higher knew I would.

Our meeting is now scheduled for Wednesday.  I hope that if nothing else the answers I can receive are to my questions of how to proceed with the next bub. I need every question I have answered and every i dotted and t crossed so that I am prepared.  I know that Annabelle would love a little brother or sister.  My next baby has to be born alive and healthy.  There is no other option.  

The Tooth Fairy

When my eldest lost his first tooth recently I had two thoughts. My first was that we had worked so hard to get these teeth in the first place and now they were going to start falling out! My second thought was for Annabelle. I wouldn't get to know what sort of teether she would be.  Difficult like her biggest bro or really easy?  There would be no tooth fairy visits for her. Crap. Sad thought number 7034 has penetrated my brain and made its way into my conscious.

Yes, this is my normal now. Fun and exciting times always seem to be penetrated by a sad thought or something missing. It makes sense as someone is and forever will be missing from our family.

Before I go any further I am happy to report that sad thought 7034 did not stay long. No sad thoughts 7035, 7036 and 7037 came along but much much later. I was able to enjoy all of my son's exitement in losing his first tooth. The tooth fairly brought $2 which was a HUGE deal. Unfortuantely to Tanner's dismay, $2 is not enough to buy a toy but he is determined to save. With a mouth full of teeth I am sure a toy wont be far off.

The loss of the tooth was a massive reminder that life is continuing. Life does go on. It isn't pleasant to realise and of course it can make you angry that it hasn't stopped, not even for a second, to mark the loss of your child. But life can't stop it has to go on and that is what the tooth fairy taught me this past week.

As I write this two teeth have now been lost and two big shiny white ones are on their way to the surface. Nothing is slowing down, if anything it is going faster. My boys will be 6 and 3 in less than six months. Far out! In the weeks to come there will be parties to arrange, birthday cakes to bake and more teeth to fall out. Amongst all this life and change I will continue to grieve and Annabelle will forever remain a baby.

The tooth fairy didn't just come for Tanner this past week she came to remind me that life is going to continue and things are going to change and progress just as they are supposed to. Unfortunately Annabelle wont be part of that change as I had hoped and expected but she will always be here.