Waiting

I hate waiting. There I said it; admitted it to the entire world. Don't get me wrong, hating it doesn't mean I don't do it. I do.

Nine weeks after Annabelle's birth we are still waiting for the 'big meeting' at the hospital with the doctors to discuss all of the test results. This meeting should have been two weeks ago but unfortunately not all results were back and so the wait continues.

Of everything I have ever had to wait for, this is by far the hardest.  Normally when you are waiting there is an end result and you know what you will receive or achieve once your time is up.  Not on this occasion. Once my wait is finally over I may be awarded with nothing – no resolution – no happy news  – no answers.  The idea that we could possibly never know why Annabelle died petrifies me.  I am someone who needs answers and needs to know 'why' to everything.  There needs to be a reason why my little girl is no longer here, and no, I don't think it has anything to do with my body only being able to grow boys so thank you to those who have so graciously tried to make me feel better by saying that.  In future just give me a hug and a chocolate bar.

I know that receiving no answers is a very real possibility as statistics show that one third of all stirbirths remain unexplained. With this in mind I have chosen to direct my focus to the information we need to obtain on how to proceed with the next baby. With all the fear and loss that swims around in me daily I am still very optimistic that we will have our rainbow baby. I have never before had such a strong desire to have a baby.   I am sure that sounds crazy to half the people out there but it is what I feel. For those who are wondering, yes I know the next baby wont replace Annabelle.  No one will replace her.  Annabelle will forever remain a part of our family; our firstborn daughter and third child.  Myself and my husband know that we want to continue to add to our family.  I never thought I would have anymore than three children, but clearly someone else higher knew I would.

Our meeting is now scheduled for Wednesday.  I hope that if nothing else the answers I can receive are to my questions of how to proceed with the next bub. I need every question I have answered and every i dotted and t crossed so that I am prepared.  I know that Annabelle would love a little brother or sister.  My next baby has to be born alive and healthy.  There is no other option.