An Announcement

I have been quiet on the blog. I know this. It has been hard as I have had something I have wanted to blog about now for weeks but it wasn't the right time. Everything else I thought about writing didn't seem to compare to what I really wanted to share.

Luckily the time has come and I can now share some news with all of you. For those who do not follow the Annabelle's Grace Facebook page, I put up a little announcement about 3 weeks ago.

Yes, we are expecting again! Our Rainbow Baby.  

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies". The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. This is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.

It is an extremely exciting and anxious time. Each scan brings with it excitement and nerves. Nerves because I will never forget the scan with Annabelle where they told me there was no heartbeat. I quietly hold my breath now while the sonographer goes to get the first image from inside my belly. As soon as I see the heart beating I exhale and everything in that moment is perfect and right in the world.

As I write this I have just recently had a scan and I am happy to report all is as it should be.  We have one healthy baby and are nearly 17 weeks along.

The decision was made for me that I would be seen every 4 weeks for a scan to check on baby's progress. For me I am happy with this as I want to do everything I can to make sure this baby grows and is healthy and arrives alive.

So far the most common question I am asked is 'will you find out the sex?' followed by a close second of 'how are you feeling?'. Both questions are normal and fine but I hear them so much!

To answer them, I don't know about finding out. We have always found out with our other three and there was no question to whether we would or not, we just did. This time around I feel much differently. I feel that if I find out its a girl I will be worried the whole time that her fate will be the same as Annabelle's. (Yes I know how dumb that sounds but I am just being honest). I also feel that if they say it is a boy my heart will drop and there will be disappointment for some time as that means Annabelle was my only little girl and I was somehow robbed of this. (Again dumb but true.) Of course these feelings wouldn't last long and hubby and I truly are happy with whatever bundle of joy we get. However, because of these feelings I currently do not want to know. I feel that finding out at the birth will prevent these negative thoughts. Be aware I may change my mind – I am not exactly the most patient person. ;)

For the second question, I feel pregnant but fine. Nothing different from last time or frankly from the boys. I get tired and eat heaps. Sometimes I feel sick other times full of energy. I have hormones which means I can cry at the lamest commercial on TV or just lose my cool at the worst or weirdest time. That is pregnancy and I am pregnant so that is me. But, really I am fine.

I look forward to sharing this next part of my journey with all of you. I would say it is definitely a different experience this time around as I know so much more and fear is definitely present but in saying that I am excited and cannot wait for this bundle of joy to arrive. I know Annabelle is watching from above and doing what she can to take care of her little brother or sister.

Until my next update may your day be full of hope, sunshine and happiness.

Grieving and Conceiving

I have friends who had suffered miscarriages before I lost Annabelle. When I would hear of a loss I would feel for them and offer what support I had. However as all of these happened within the first 12 weeks or so part of me justified them with the 'there must have been something wrong' reason.

I have also had friends who have had trouble conceiving as well. Again I really felt for them and would try to offer support and comfort but couldn't do much beyond that.

It wasn't until after I had Annabelle that I fully appreciated the gravity of both these situations. I have now walked in the shoes. I won't say I know completely what each person is experiencing as each story is different but I definitely know much more than I ever did before. My empathy has increased.

Losing a baby regardless of when is devastating. The grief that seems to somehow fill up every nook and cranny in your body and world is not just for the loss of the child and that unfilled potential. There is grief that you as a mother did something wrong or didn't do enough for your child. You have grief as you feel you failed your child. You may even feel you failed your partner/husband as you were unable to deliver them their child.

As a woman you grow up knowing that your main point of being is to have children. You have this amazing gift and super power where you can grow humans. Throughout school and all those sex-ed classes they make it seem quite easy to make the babies, not to mention carry them and bring them into the world. I know that not every woman grows up wanting children and I am not here to get into any sort of discussion over that. I am merely stating that for me and my close friends, we knew we would be mothers.

When your body fails you or your child it adds another dimension to your grief. It is supposed to be easy – you get pregnant and have a baby. Happy days. We don't hear about all the things that could go wrong. We don't normally hear that we are born with all the eggs we will ever have. The media publicises stories of women well into their 40's having babies and so the rest of us assume there is no rush and no reason why we couldn't have babies.

Through my journey I have met some amazing women and am proud to call them not just my friends but my sisters. I have learned that I am quite lucky. With all three of our children conception was fairly simple and I had healthy children. Even Annabelle was healthy it was just the dumb virus that stuffed things up!

I knew that Annabelle would not be my last and have written about this many times. I have never wanted another baby so badly. I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I was supposed to bring a baby home and still need to do that, maybe my heart is trying to help heal itself. I don't know. What I do know is that being so desperate and trying to conceive is the worst possible combination. Stress does not help conception, but add that to the grief and all the other emotions and it becomes a JOB. My poor husband even mentioned it would be nice if we weren't strictly focused on the next mission to the moon.

I now have a taste of what it must be like for my friends who have found or are finding conception difficult. Whether it be after a loss or just desperately wanting to start that family. 

With my eyes officially open I now appreciate my shoes but also those of others. Without sharing too much in front of the entire world I did want to take a moment to recognise some very special women who I have met and come to know along my journey. 

B. R.

K. M.

M. G.

M. B.

If I could I would make it all better but unfortunately I can't. Instead I will stand alongside them, listen to them, support and understand them and above all else, just be there.

As women we can be our harshest critics and we can judge others before we should. Instead we need to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as well as the grief and loss associated with conception and fertility issues. We need to remember that we are all amazing, strong, deserving, beautiful women. We cannot let what we see as 'failure' or the misinformed opinions of others shape how we view ourselves.  

Busy

I'm back!! I know it has been well over a month since I last posted. Last time I wrote I promised how I wouldn't leave you all again. Whoops! Sorry about that! I swear I had every intention to write weekly but time has escaped me!

Life has been BUSY. I remember after I had first had Annabelle I craved busyness and activity. The more stuff I had to focus on the less I thought about her and all the sadness that went with it. While I wanted life to be hectic at this time I quickly learned that a) being busy didn't really fix anything and b) no one lets you be busy at the beginning of your grief as they all give you space and time. Due to this I did the only thing I could at the time; I jumped on my grief train and started my ride.

It has now been six months since Annabelle was born and I started my journey. While I am still on the train it has changed significantly in the past month. The train is now full with much more life and happiness. Currently I am happy in this spot. Yes, things are crazy hectic but in a good way. I think of my little girl every day but am also looking forward to the future and what is has to hold for myself and my family.

I am aware that this happiness will be woven with moments of sadness, fear, anxiety and many other emotions but currently the happy is all I am focusing on. I have some things coming up that I am looking forward to sharing with you over the next few weeks. For now I will leave you all with a bit of happiness just in case maybe at this moment you could use some. CLICK FOR HAPPY

The Glad Game

When I was younger one of my favourite movies to watch was Disney's Pollyanna. My Mom reminded me of this the other day when she mentioned the 'Glad Game'. This was a game that Pollyanna used to play.

Recently I have been having a bit of a rough time. I have been more negative than usual and missing my little girl a lot too. I know these lows are all part of the grieving process, but sometimes you need something to snap you out of it. It isn’t' healthy to be unhappy and angry 24/7 and it really doesn't accomplish anything.

With this in mind, I thought about my own Glad Game. Below is a list of things that I am glad about. Being positive or glad about things in no way means that I am not sad or that I am trying to mask my sadness or despair. I am not trying to diminish those feelings. I am very much a person who allows myself to feel how I am feeling and I try not to chastise myself too much about any particular feeling. In saying this though, I am also a person who can quickly get herself into a downward spiral. That spiral can then turn cyclonic and bring others into it and I don't want to to do that. So without further delay, please see my Glad Game below.

- I am glad that Annabelle is not in pain, nor was she ever in any pain.

- I am glad that my gorgeous boys and hubby continue to speak of their sister/daughter

- I am glad when anyone speaks of Annabelle using her name.

- I am glad that I had such amazing medical care.

- I am glad that it isn't raining today.

- I am glad that my words from this blog are touching so many lives.

- I am glad that I have amazing friends who know the exact right thing to say at the right time.

- I am glad that I live in a country where I have access to great resources and medical care.

- I am glad that I got to hold my baby and I have pictures of her.

- I am glad that I can still have another baby.

- I am glad that I have an amazing supportive husband who is there for me and our family.

- I am glad that spring is just around the corner and with it new beginnings.

I could probably keep this list going but I think that is enough for now. It is funny how once you start thinking about positive things and writing them down they start to flow. I suggest to each of you who read this to try your own Glad Game. I have no doubt that you will find that even after only ten minutes you will find yourself in a better and happier place then you were previously.

I believe we all need to be reminded from time to time that life is not all bad and it is not something out to get us. It can certainly feel that way but by really focusing on the positive and the things you are glad about you might just find that you are able to see the rainbow first instead of the rain.

Nits

After five years, head lice finally snuck their way into our home a little over two weeks ago. It was Friday and a gorgeous day. I had plans. A bit of grocery shopping and then some cleaning and a bit of special one on one time with my little guy.

On the walk up to school with Tanner, who is in Prep, he starts ferociously scratching his head and tells me he thinks he has nits. I being ever optimistic tell him he probably just has some dry skin as this winter has been particularly dry for us. However, being the responsible parent I am I went ahead and checked his head, and there was not one but two little critters right there – taunting me. It was if they were waving a little insect leg at me saying 'Ha ha! forget your plans – we're here and it wont be easy to make us leave'.

So much for my peaceful day. No school meant I had both boys which was fine, but it did turn my shopping trip into utter chaos. Why did I choose this week to physically go to the grocery store, when for the past five weeks I had done it online? Why?! Then of course when we got home it was time to treat everyone's heads and then start the laundry. Now, I complain about laundry on a regular basis and have been known on occasion to see the benefit in being a nudist. However, laundry after the detection of head lice is just insane. I had so much if you had looked in the laundry room you would have just thought it was a room that's only purpose was to hold heaps of stuff.  There was no washing machine to be seen through the mountainous piles of washing.  I believe all up that weekend I did something like 15 loads.

I am happy to report though that the lice have gone and so far so good. I also have an extremely clean house and nearly every piece of linen we own has been washed, dried and put away.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have chosen to blog about this. Really, who wants to hear about my first world problem of nits? Well, a funny thing happened during that crazy Friday. It was the first time since having Annabelle that I was happy she had died. Okay, that sounds horrible. How do I explain it?

I was so happy she would never ever get nits. I was happy I wasn't having to worry about her hair too and having to treat her. It was the first time that an event had occurred since her birth where my first thought wasn't sadness but actually one of happiness.

Don't get me wrong, if someone came to me today and told me I could have her back but she would get Nits I would take her in a heartbeat! When I realised though that I had this happy thought it made me stop and think for just a moment. It was a nice change to have a happy thought first before a sad one. I know there will be more sad moments but for right now I am taking this happiness as it is much nicer to be happy when I think of my little girl then to be sad.

Manual for Grief

I have been quiet on the blog for the last ten days or so and I apologise for that. I hit a bit of a bumpy patch with my journey and just needed time to reflect and curl up in my safe little ball.

My most recent insight into this journey is that my mourning and grief like to take over at the worst times. They come out and grab me and I can't get free. I can't even shove them in a box and pretend they aren't there. No. They are here and I need to deal with them. I am happy to say that I allowed myself to feel, do and grieve as I needed during this time and for that I not only feel better but also stronger. I am back and so very ready to continue to blog and share my story with you.

I actually Googled 'How to handle grief around your due date'. Yes, I actually looked it up. If you're wondering - there was no guide book or step by step. Bummer.

When you have your first baby you realise that there is no manual no matter how much you need one! You can take advice and look up things online but in the end you have to simply learn as you go through the experience of raising that child.

It turns out that grief is very similar. There is no manual for grief. Again, bummer. No two people grieve the same, not even if it is over the same situation.

It is 16 days until my due date for Annabelle. I know that in reality the odds of her arriving on that day were very slim. She may have come a bit early or maybe a few days later. Who knows. In any case this is proving to be more difficult than I had first thought.

I always knew as the due date got closer it would be more emotional, but it has really blindsided me. So many thoughts are rushing around in my head such as 'I would have been massive and waddling around by now', 'I should have been on maternity leave.', 'We would have the baby capsule installed in the car and the boys in their new seats', 'I would have been busy washing all those pink clothes and nesting.'. Ugh! Up until now losing Annabelle has been hard, but as she wasn't technically supposed to be here yet it has been a bit easier. Once the 20^th of August comes and goes I will know that she should have been here. That is when for me it will really feel as if someone is missing from our family. A little someone I wanted so badly. I also know that I need to have the due date come and go as a sort of closure too. As much as I would love to wake with amnesia over her due date I can't.

All I can do now is learn and deal with my grief as I move forward. Actually, it isn't moving forward, or letting go or any other cliché you may hear. What I am doing is learning to continue to live with loss. Live with my grief. Live with this new normal. Life is what keeps going and moving forward. I have to choose to live or I will die too. And frankly I am not ready for that.

So back to that manual. Since there is nothing I can check out from the Library or download off the Internet, I am just going to have to do what feels right for me and see how it works. I am sure as the years go on there will be tweaks and adjustments just as there are with the raising of my two boys.

If anyone else out there has dealt with their due date let me know what you did and what helped or worked for you. If you haven't had the due date yet feel free to take any information you can from me. Maybe I can help you. Maybe not. We are all so different and yet bound together via the loss of our children.

So far my plans to help me deal with this date and the pain and loss associated are to continue to see my counsellor, surround myself with friends and family and probably take the day off of work – just in case. Once this goes that will be it. This is in some ways the final chapter of Annabelle's book. The next major date will be her birthday and that is something I plan to celebrate.

Trying Again

From the moment I had Annabelle I knew that she would not be my last baby. As long as we were able to have another, then we would. I couldn't let this experience be my last in a birth suite. I needed to be able to take home a live baby. Even hubby felt the same; we both knew Annabelle would not be our last.

And so here we are, thirteen weeks after her arrival, trying again. It has a different feel to it as compared to our first three. Somehow there is more pressure associated this time. Pressure not only to conceive but to ensure this baby survives. Sure the odds of another virus attacking my placenta are extremely rare, but what about all those other things I now know about. Oh, Dr Google, how I loathe you.

On one hand knowing the risks and possible outcomes is good. At least, if heaven forbid, someething happened again I would be somewhat prepared and not so blindsided as I was with Annabelle. I feel that some knowledge is power. However, too much of it can be bad. And couple this with an over active brain that comes up with the worst possible scenarios and morbid thoughts and you get crazy me! Not exactly the best combination when you are trying to conceive your rainbow baby but I won't let this stop me.

I have never wanted a baby as bad as I do now which doesn't help with the stress and pressure. I am going to try and relax and let things fall into place. Hopefully we will be blessed sooner rather than later. I know Annabelle will be happy to know we are going to give her a little brother or sister and so I am jumping on this new emotional roller coaster with my eyes open wide.   As per normal some days will be harder than others and I will be right here blogging about them and this next step in my journey.

Life Lessons

As Annabelle's due date approaches I have noticed my emotions rising up to the surface a bit more often. I have been aware this would probably occur and so have not been completely shocked by their arrival. I do however wish they would stay away.

My grief is not gone by any means and it will live with me permanently. I find that most days are good days and the sadness and accompanying thoughts are minute. However, in the past 7 days I have had two very sad, and as I call them, 'off' days. These are the days where any little thing can set me off or start the flow of tears. It doesn't have to be anything sad or baby / pregnancy related either. Yesterday it was if I should buy my child a $10 toy and the week before it was a good friend not being able to catch up with me. Go figure.

To try and keep things in perspective I have a quote that sits firmly implanted in my mind that I like to recite often.

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."

This is from Regina Brett's Life Lessons. I first came across it about a year ago when a co-worker placed it in the staff toilets of all places. This is only one of the fifty mantras she has written down and all of them have helped me in one way or another. I find reading them very calming and uplifting and thought I would share them here with you.

This particular mantra rings true with me and it helps me remember that everything is not as bad as it seems. Yes, losing my child was devastating and maybe I would trade that over something else, but then NO I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade it as that would mean losing Annabelle completely. She is my daughter and she is continuing to teach me things and bless my life in ways I never imagined. If I swapped my loss for something else, it wouldn't really fix anything. Sure, I wouldn't have the loss but what would I have? Without the loss I don't have Annabelle. I don't have this blog and I haven't gotten to meet all of the wonderful and amazing people I have come in contact with in the last ten weeks.

As much as I wish this wouldn't have happened, it did and in some ways I feel blessed. My circle of friends has now increased and I have learned the true value of life amongst many other things. These are gifts Annabelle has given me; I will not trade them.

Please feel free to share your favourite mantra from the list. I would love to know if any make an impact in your life as they have in mine.

Two Heads – why do you look at me like that when I talk about my child?

When I speak about Annabelle or use her name in conversation I swear people, (family and close friends excluded), look at me as if I have two heads. No, I am not crazy and yes, I am talking about my stillborn child.

I do not talk about Annabelle to make anyone uncomfortable. As a matter of fact I hope that by talking about her and stillbirth the subject will become less taboo and therefore no need to make you squirm or regret asking me how many children I have.

I do not talk about Annabelle to gain sympathy. I know that you feel bad for me and I appreciate that. Yes, it sucks and it is not fair, but its the hand I was dealt.

I do not talk about Annabelle to seek attention. I am not trying to weave my daughter into each conversation so that I will then become the focus. No, I just want to talk as I have something to contribute.

I do not talk about Annabelle to scare you. I would hate to think that I have scared anyone when I tell my story or speak of my baby. I want people to have resources available to them to learn about stillbirth and have the knowledge as it is power. 

For those of us who have lost our babies, regardless of how, we are not crazy. We are parents and we love our children and are proud of them. You will not understand that unless you have walked in our shoes, but please do not treat us like a crazy two-headed monster. 

We just want to be able to share our stories and our babies with you, just like any other mother would. We want you to meet our children and recognise them as part of our family. We want to remember. If we quit talking about and sharing our babies then what happens? Who will remember them? When a life is gone only memories survive, and in the case of death before birth your memories are few. If we have to live in a society where a woman cannot even share memories about her dead child, then what is the point? A woman with a dead baby already feels isolated, there is no need to force her to the corner of the room and make her ignore the elephant. That elephant has a name and it was here, even if briefly.

It is time to celebrate each life and the women who bring them into this world. Hug them, converse with them and never be afraid to mention their child by name because remembering is the biggest gift you can give.

Cake

I used to believe that cake made everything better. Being a baker and someone who truly appreciates carbs, sugar and butter this was my mantra. Had a bad day – eat a cupcake. Split up with your boyfriend – bake yourself a nice chocolate fudge cake and consume it all. Been up all night with a screaming child – whip up some icing and take pleasure in licking the beaters. Doing your household budget for the month – grab a slice of Red Velvet. Your child dies – nope; no cake is going to help that. It doesn't matter what I bake or create (and I have done heaps of baking since Annabelle's birth), nothing is going to make this better.

Cake wont make it better but for me it makes it a bit easier. While I bake my cake or any other delectable item my mind doesn't have time to let negativity or thoughts in unless they are related directly to my dish. Having that focus allows me to have time to myself in a fairly happy place. I also take great pride watching my creation be devoured by my boys both big and small. Watching the crumbs gather on my newly mopped floor on the other hand is a negative, but one I will just have to deal with.

For me my focus on baking isn't ignoring or forgetting Annabelle it is simply my way of not having the sad thoughts around for a bit. I don't need nor do I want every thought that comes into my mind to be sad.  I need to be happy.  I am allowed to be happy.  This sounds strange considering I am grieving my stillborn child but I can still be happy. I still laugh and joke. It does feel weird to be doing these 'normal' things when I feel anything but at times but I know it is permitted and it is healing.

For me above all else it is important that my grief does not overcome me as Annabelle wouldn't want that. She wouldn't want her Mum to cry every day or be unable to laugh or have good times. She wouldn't want her big brothers to suffer in any way because her Mummy & Daddy are grieving.  I wake up each morning saying hello to my little girl and I go to bed each night sending her sweet dreams. I allow myself to grieve in whatever fashion works for me on that day, on that week or in that moment. I will continue to bake and pass on my love for sweet treats to my children and yes, I will have cake. It may not make everything better but it isn't going to hurt.

For those who may now be craving some cake thanks to my post. I thought I would share one of my favourite and easy recipes. There is no need for fancy equipment for this one. Enjoy!

Easy Peasy Choclolate Fudge Cake - adapted from One Bowl Chocolate Cake

2 Cup caster sugar
1 3/4 Cup plain flour
3/4 Cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 Cup milk
1/2 Cup oil (Vegetable or Canola work best)
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 Cup boiling water

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C or 160 fan forced). Grease and flour two 9 inch round pans.
2. In a large bowl, combine first six ingredients.  Make a well in the centre and add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla. Beat for two minutes at medium speed.  (If you do not have electric beaters just mix it heaps!)  Gently site in boiling water.
3. Pour into two 9 inch pans. Bake at 350 degrees F (180 degrees C) for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes in the pan, then turn out onto a wire rack and continue cooling.

This recipe will also make 24 -30 cupcakes depending on the size and can also be used for one large cake as well.  No matter what sort of pan you use this cake will always make your heart happy!

Can be iced with anything you like, but my favourite for a total chocolate overload would be Magnolia Bakery's chocolate buttercream.  Link to recipe here. 

A Virus

Virus

noun

'an infective agent that typically consists of a nucleic acid molecule in a protein coat, is too small to be seen by light microscopy, and is able to multiply only within the living cells of a host.'

We come into contact with viruses every day of our lives. Most of the time they don't do too much. On occasion you get a whopper and you are stuck on your lounge with a nose that seems to be running a marathon and a body that feels as if you have been hitting the gym hard when in reality the only exercise you have done is lifting the TV remote. Viruses have also been know to cause the much debilitating MAN FLU.

As much as a virus is a pain we all recover normally within 7 – 10 days and go upon our lives.

A week ago the word virus entered my life again and this time its impact has lasting effects. We found out from the Doctors that Annabelle's little life was lost due to a virus. Unfortunately a virus attacked my placenta and that was that. When the placenta is compromised and cannot function then it cannot transfer nutrients to the baby.

I learned there are a few common viruses that can cause this sort of acute attack, however it wasn't one of those that invaded my body. No, of course not. My body had to come in contact with some obscure virus that for whatever reason my placenta couldn't fight. Lucky me.

Actually in some ways I am lucky. I am lucky that we received an answer. I am lucky because the odds of this happening again are extremely tiny. I am lucky because my little girl didn't suffer. I am lucky because I have an amazing medical team who have been with me every step of the way and have promised me that they will do everything in their power to ensure that I get to go home with my next baby. I am lucky because I am Annabelle's Mum.

With all this luck you would think then that I would be happy to have the answer and the closure that it brings with it. In some respects I am. It is probably one of the best outcomes we could have asked for. However, it doesn't make it any better. The one question that I really want answered is 'Why?' and I will never have that. That is the hardest part for me.

I miss Annabelle every moment of every day and I wish things could be different, but this is now my reality. Unfortunately I can't go back in time and change things as much as I want to. For me I just have to continue to go forward. It is not always easy to keep moving but unfortunately it is a fundamental part of life.

I want to continue to live for my children and my husband and I want to move forward as I want Annabelle to have a little brother or sister. So for now I will put one foot in front of the other and march on. I will continue to share my story in hope that I am helping and making a difference. I will continue to dislike viruses and do my best to not let them invade our lives; certainly never again to this magnitude.

Waiting

I hate waiting. There I said it; admitted it to the entire world. Don't get me wrong, hating it doesn't mean I don't do it. I do.

Nine weeks after Annabelle's birth we are still waiting for the 'big meeting' at the hospital with the doctors to discuss all of the test results. This meeting should have been two weeks ago but unfortunately not all results were back and so the wait continues.

Of everything I have ever had to wait for, this is by far the hardest.  Normally when you are waiting there is an end result and you know what you will receive or achieve once your time is up.  Not on this occasion. Once my wait is finally over I may be awarded with nothing – no resolution – no happy news  – no answers.  The idea that we could possibly never know why Annabelle died petrifies me.  I am someone who needs answers and needs to know 'why' to everything.  There needs to be a reason why my little girl is no longer here, and no, I don't think it has anything to do with my body only being able to grow boys so thank you to those who have so graciously tried to make me feel better by saying that.  In future just give me a hug and a chocolate bar.

I know that receiving no answers is a very real possibility as statistics show that one third of all stirbirths remain unexplained. With this in mind I have chosen to direct my focus to the information we need to obtain on how to proceed with the next baby. With all the fear and loss that swims around in me daily I am still very optimistic that we will have our rainbow baby. I have never before had such a strong desire to have a baby.   I am sure that sounds crazy to half the people out there but it is what I feel. For those who are wondering, yes I know the next baby wont replace Annabelle.  No one will replace her.  Annabelle will forever remain a part of our family; our firstborn daughter and third child.  Myself and my husband know that we want to continue to add to our family.  I never thought I would have anymore than three children, but clearly someone else higher knew I would.

Our meeting is now scheduled for Wednesday.  I hope that if nothing else the answers I can receive are to my questions of how to proceed with the next bub. I need every question I have answered and every i dotted and t crossed so that I am prepared.  I know that Annabelle would love a little brother or sister.  My next baby has to be born alive and healthy.  There is no other option.  

The Tooth Fairy

When my eldest lost his first tooth recently I had two thoughts. My first was that we had worked so hard to get these teeth in the first place and now they were going to start falling out! My second thought was for Annabelle. I wouldn't get to know what sort of teether she would be.  Difficult like her biggest bro or really easy?  There would be no tooth fairy visits for her. Crap. Sad thought number 7034 has penetrated my brain and made its way into my conscious.

Yes, this is my normal now. Fun and exciting times always seem to be penetrated by a sad thought or something missing. It makes sense as someone is and forever will be missing from our family.

Before I go any further I am happy to report that sad thought 7034 did not stay long. No sad thoughts 7035, 7036 and 7037 came along but much much later. I was able to enjoy all of my son's exitement in losing his first tooth. The tooth fairly brought $2 which was a HUGE deal. Unfortuantely to Tanner's dismay, $2 is not enough to buy a toy but he is determined to save. With a mouth full of teeth I am sure a toy wont be far off.

The loss of the tooth was a massive reminder that life is continuing. Life does go on. It isn't pleasant to realise and of course it can make you angry that it hasn't stopped, not even for a second, to mark the loss of your child. But life can't stop it has to go on and that is what the tooth fairy taught me this past week.

As I write this two teeth have now been lost and two big shiny white ones are on their way to the surface. Nothing is slowing down, if anything it is going faster. My boys will be 6 and 3 in less than six months. Far out! In the weeks to come there will be parties to arrange, birthday cakes to bake and more teeth to fall out. Amongst all this life and change I will continue to grieve and Annabelle will forever remain a baby.

The tooth fairy didn't just come for Tanner this past week she came to remind me that life is going to continue and things are going to change and progress just as they are supposed to. Unfortunately Annabelle wont be part of that change as I had hoped and expected but she will always be here. 

Congratulations!

A few months before Annabelle was conceived, my Facebook feed was full of friends sharing with the world the exciting news that they were expecting.  In fact for three particular ladies, it was their very first pregnancy announcement.

I knew that the news of Annabelle would probably hit these three amazing women hard as hearing and seeing the effects of stillbirth up close and personal cannot be easy.  I also wouldn't be surprised if they felt guilt in some way as they were still pregnant when I wasn't.  I know I felt this when a very close friend of my suffered a miscarriage earlier in the year.

I also know that they felt unsure of how I would feel seeing them pregnant after I lost Annabelle.  For me seeing other pregnant women hasn't bothered me.  Yes, I will admit the first outing into public after her birth was a bit tough but I can't judge.  For all I know the pregnant woman in front of me getting her groceries is carrying her rainbow.

I am not jealous or upset.  I am happy for my pregnant friends to share the details of their journey and each and every scan photo as pregnancy and birth are a joyous time and should be celebrated.  I very much want each of these women to be able to take their baby home.

It is with a very happy heart that I would like to welcome to the world three gorgeous little souls who have only just recently arrived.  Please join me in congratulating their gorgeous mothers who they will one day grow to realise they are lucky to have.  They are listed below in birth order.

Charlotte Grace

Maddox Archer

Silas Xavier

I look forward to watching all three of you grow, just as I look forward to being able to make more happy announcements on this page in future.

Life continues and it is beautiful; never take it for granted.

Mother's Day

Being a Mother

I will wake tomorrow morning, my first Mother's Day, as the mother of three children and yet the world can only see two.  I would have been 25 weeks, growing bigger with each passing day but I'm not.  Instead Annabelle arrived on April 4 and now I am a mother with an angel baby.

Unless you know me you will never know.  You will only see what is in the moment.  You will not know my story.  You will not see us as a family of five, but we are.  You will not realise that there should be an extra car seat in the back of my car or that only two months ago I felt the flutter of my daughter's first kick.  You do not know that the only item I ever got to buy my little girl was the blanket she was wrapped in for her cremation.

As I know you will not see my entire story, I will not judge you.  I will understand if your words do more harm then good for me.  I know you don't and that is okay.  As we do not walk around with our stories on display please remember that any woman you meet could be a mother, even if you do not 'see' her children.  Our babies our forever in our hearts and never forgotten.

It is with a grieving yet compassionate heart that I would like to wish every mother a Happy Mothers Day for 2014.  May all of your children know how truly blessed they are to have you as their Mum and may the world see you for the strong and amazing woman you are.

Fridays

Fridays are different now.  They no longer signal just the end of a busy and hectic week but also stand as a reminder to how much time has passed since Annabelle was born.  This friday marks five weeks.

I don't consciously count down the days until the next friday, no they sneak up on me.  Of course I know they are coming, as they do every week, and yet I forget.  Life gets in the way.  Before I know it another week has come and gone.  

I miss my little girl every moment of every day and no matter how busy I am the void is always there.  Sometimes it sits quietly in the background happy not to be noticed and other times it screams at me making sure I jump up and pay attention.  

I have known from the moment hubby and I walked out of the hospital without our baby that this void would form part of our new 'normal'.  And yet it wasn't until earlier in the week when the realisation arrived like an unwelcome guest, that it wont matter what things happen in the years to come as the emptiness will always remain; part of me, part of our family, part of the world is missing.

In the future maybe friday will come and I will forget exactly how many weeks or months it has been.  Part of me would like that.  Somehow I think that would be easier.  Deep down I know this probably isn't true but I will get back to you.

Until then, this Mummy of three is going to bed.  Tomorrow I hope to meet friday with a smile and be ready for whatever it brings.  

Four Weeks

It has been four weeks. That is 28 days, 672 hours, 40,320 minutes or 2,419,200 seconds. Yes, four weeks since my life and the world as I had known it came crashing down like an avalanche.  At approximately 5.30pm on Wednesday April 2, a sonographer had the unpleasant job of telling me after she scanned my abdomen for several minutes, that my precious baby girl was no longer alive.

For as long as I live I will never forget that moment.  As she uttered the words 'I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this...' while I gazed on at the image of my little girl's chest on the monitor will be with me until I take my last breath.  

I knew the minute I saw her chest the heart was no longer beating.  Even though I could see the proof it didn't make hearing it any less painful or easier.  The walls seemed to start moving closer trying to squeeze out any ounce of life I had left in me.  I was there in those ultrasound offices alone because there was no need for hubby to come along.  This was simply a fun scan.  I had my official diagnostic scan the Friday before - 5 days earlier- and everything was fine.  She was baby #3 and we had never had any issues so me in my little bubble of happiness and naivety went off alone.  

I somehow managed to make a phone call I never expected to make which was to hubby to tell him of the news.  His loss for words followed by tears summed it up for me.  This was real.  It wasn't a horrible dream.  My baby was dead.  The child I had planned for and wanted was gone.  

I made it home through a thick fog of shock and sadness. The home I had made with my husband and two gorgeous boys somehow didn't feel the same as I crossed the threshold.  The rooms seemed darker and I knew this was only the beginning of my journey.

Annabelle Grace was born on April 4, 2014 at 4.38pm at 20 weeks.  This blog is for her. This blog is for me.  This blog is for any woman who has had a sliver of her heart forever ripped away with the loss of her child.  This is my journey and I hope that in sharing it I will be able to dignify my child's life however brief it was, allow myself and family to heal and hopefully inspire and help others who may be facing the same unimaginable loss.